The College Football Czar: 2015 Season Preview

Welcome to the 2015 season preview issue of The College Football Czar, a seasonal sports publication by the author and editor of The Shinbone. In the coming months, you will find weekly analyses of upcoming college football action posted at this site. To find out more, please see the Ground Rules.

This issue contains the Czar's rankings for all 128 teams in Division I-A football, as well as conference preview capsules, potential upsets to watch for, bowl projections, and a guide to help you locate head coaches on the move. Most importantly, it includes early nominees for the Lardhead of the Year Award, which the Czar never gets around to actually awarding, but for which he dispenses nominations copiously.

Lance Leipold ….. Buffalo ….. head coach WI-Whitewater (D-III) … Jeff Quinn

John Bonamego ….. Central Michigan ….. sp. teams coach Detroit Lions ….. Dan Enos

The following coaches will have a difficult time hanging onto their noggins through the 2015 season:

Norm Chow, Hawaii – Once the most sought-after assistant coach in America, the fourth-year UH skipper is now more than a decade removed from his glory days as offensive coordinator at USC. His following stints with the Tennessee Titans, UCLA and the University of Utah were forgettable, and he has gone 8-29 as head coach since returning to his native Honolulu. Last year’s 4-9 record was somewhat encouraging, considering the Warriors’ strength of schedule, and it would probably suffice again this year for the same reason. If they don’t continue to pull out close games against the likes of UNLV, however, Chow’s athletic director may decide to let him hang loose.

Kevin Wilson, Indiana – A four-year record of 14-34 would already be enough to get fired from most schools, but the Hoosiers have been understandably patient – especially while seeing flashes of promise like last year’s upset of Missouri, and a 2013 shocker over Penn State. Wilson was forced to turn to his third-string quarterback during last season’s 4-8 campaign, but starter Nate Sudfeld is back, and the Hoosiers’ nonconference schedule is weenie enough to make a winning season probable. On the other hand, if his team is left in the dark for another postseason, it could be lights out for the head coach of the candelabra-heads.

Paul Rhoads, Iowa State – Would it be too corny to describe Rhoads’ tenure at ISU as “rocky”? In six years, he’s never finished better than 3-5 in the Big XII, or 7-6 overall. By Cyclone standards, that’s actually pretty good, but Rhoads’ records have regressed over the past two seasons, culminating in last year’s 0-9, 2-10 implosion. The hiring of former Kansas head coach Mark Mangino as offensive coordinator did not have its desired effect, as the Clones tallied fewer points than in any season since 2010. If adding the Mayor of Oz to his staff won’t help, it might be time for Coach Rhoads to hit the yellow bricks.

Al Golden, Miami – The man who put Temple football on the map obviously has more talent to work with in Coral Gables, but can he make this team play with the same character that his plucky Owls did? After failing to derail Florida State last season, the Hurricanes simply quit. Their lack of effort was palpable in subsequent losses to Virginia and Pitt. Throw in an Independence Bowl clunker against South Carolina, and Miami finished with a losing record for the first time since hiring Golden, who is now 28-21 at The U. He’ll get to snap his losing streak by kicking around a couple tomato cans to open the 2015 season, but then his team begins a challenging stretch of five games, starting with a visit from Nebraska. If the Canes’ faithful don’t feel a couple prevailing winds during that time, the coach could be given his Golden parachute.

Willie Taggart, South Florida – Once a wizard at Western Kentucky, Willie’s been all wet since arriving in Tampa two years ago. Granted, that’s not much time, but USF’s offensive ineptitude is causing a premature panic. Last season, the Bulls ranked #121 of 128 in yards per game, which is actually an improvement on 2013, when they were #124 out of 126. Meanwhile, the WKU program he left behind has only kept climbing. Unfortunately, Taggart has got to overcome not just his own record, but that of his predecessor, Skip Holtz. Since 2010, this team’s offense has looked like a herd of mechanical bulls on a cattle drive. If Taggart is still “it”, he’d better at least start losing games a little more interestingly.

Curtis Johnson, Tulane – The Green Wave made a rare bowl appearance in 2013, albeit one that ended in disappointment, partly due to tentative play calling on the coach’s part. Still, the season seemed to usher in a new era, as it generated excitement about the opening of on-campus Yulman Stadium the following year. That enthusiasm was quickly wiped out, as the reality of a 3-9 season came crashing down on them. Johnson’s team tallied a meager average of 16 points per game, and was held to single digits in each of its last three. His record now stands at 12-25, with two of those wins against lower-division opponents. If he fails to take advantage of this year’s soft November schedule, he’ll soon find himself on the Tulane highway out of town.

* Carolina Comrades – The newest Division I-A football team, and member of Conference USA, is Charlotte, nee the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. For reasons too uninteresting and stupid to bother explaining here, the team’s nickname is the 49ers. Since 2000, its logo has consisted of a round letter “C” wielding a pickaxe. It could not more obviously be a thinly veiled hammer-and-sickle logo, which probably started as a contest submission from some typical campus pinko. If only their school colors were red and yellow instead of green and gold, they’d look like the official American football team of the Soviet Union, perhaps participating in Ted Turner’s “Goodwill Games.” The Czar must therefore ask his readers to excuse his lack of objectivity while analyzing the Niners’ games. To paraphrase Jake Blues, “I hate Carolina Commies.”

* U still be AB –as of the 2017 season, at least. The University of Alabama-Birmingham has reversed last year’s decision to terminate its football program, although it will still have to suspend operations for the next two seasons. The truth be known, the team’s financial problems had been deliberately imposed by the tyrannical University of Alabama board of trustees in the first place. The board presides over three U of A campuses (Tuscaloosa, Birmingham and Huntsville), but is dominated by the main campus, which does not want its Birmingham affiliate to field a competitive football team. The obvious question, then, is why they would let the Blazers return at all. The College Football Czar theorizes that the folks from Tuscaloosa meant only to torpedo the UAB football team, and not the entire athletic program. When they learned that the school would be booted from Conference USA, they did an about-face, rather than let the more successful basketball, baseball and soccer teams find refuge in a smaller league like the Ohio Valley or Southland Conference.

* Yet more bowl games – The two new ones are the Arizona Bowl in Tucson, which will probably be renamed once it finds a sponsor, and the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which will benefit breast cancer research. Although the College Football Czar admits there are too many bowl games anymore, he still enjoys watching them all. He’d gladly trade in ten or twelve of them, however, in exchange for just one that’s played on Christmas Day.

* New digs at Duke, sort of – Venerable Wallace Wade Stadium is still standing, but the Blue Devils have followed Stanford’s lead by removing their running track, and closing in the seats tighter around the playing field. Here’s hoping the University of Buffalo – whose front-row seats look like they’re halfway to Hamilton – is paying attention.

* The equipment cops are coming! – Any player who violates equipment rules will be sent off the field for at least one play, and not allowed to return until he corrects the problem. That means no deliberately untucked shirts or exposed padding, and no messages written on eye black stickers. This latter example is bound to become a point of contention. The Czar can’t wait for the media firestorm the first time a player is sent off for making a statement of solidarity with victims of discrimination against Furries. It’s only a matter of time.

* Conversions – Unlike the NFL and the CFL, which have each backed up extra point attempts to the 15-yard-line, the NCAA is leaving the line of scrimmage at the three for now, and the College Football Czar is glad. The idea behind the change at the pro level is that extra points have become too automatic, and two-point conversions are only attempted in those narrow circumstances in which the game situation dictates it. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell thinks his new rule will create more two-point attempts, but the Czar disagrees. In college, many two-pointers are attempted by sending the kicking team on the field in an unconventional formation, and then snapping the ball for an offensive play if the other team doesn’t seem prepared. You can’t pull a fake like that if you have to first declare whether you’re going for one point or two, and then march backward 12 yards if you’re committing to the kick. The Czar thinks that if the NFL wants to make extra points more challenging, it should first move the hash marks back where they are in the college game, and then – borrowing a rule from rugby – make the kicker attempt the point from the spot across the width of the field where the touchdown was scored. Following a TD in the corner of the end zone, the kick would come from the hash mark on that side of the field. It wouldn’t be a gimme anymore, and you could still go for two from the same mark. There’s no logical reason why the line of scrimmage should differ depending on what type of conversion is being attempted.

* Conference alignments – Division I-A newcomer Charlotte is taking UAB’s place in Conference USA, and Navy is joining the American Athletic Conference, but other than that, everybody’s staying put. So, for those scoring at home, ten is still twelve, twelve is still ten, Louisville is still on the Atlantic coast, and Idaho is still in the Sun Belt.

* Nameless Nittany Lions – In James Franklin’s second year at Penn State, he has decided to reverse the decision by predecessor Bill O’Brien to put the players’ names on their jerseys. While announcing the change, Franklin tiresomely declared, “There is only one name that truly matters – Penn State.” It seems like every season there’s some coach somewhere who pulls this shtick, as if putting names on the jerseys were some kind of a reward for the players, or as if the team becomes more cohesive without them. Now that every Division I-A football game is televised or streamed online, there’s no good reason not to put names on the jerseys. In this age of narcissism, in which every little leaguer gets a trophy just for participating, and half of them have trading cards of themselves at the age of four, putting a college kid’s name on his back is not going to send him on an ego trip, nor is its removal likely to humble him. Coaches need to knock off the amateur psychology, and show some consideration for the spectators for a change.

* Politically correct hypocrisy – If you’re a big, important school that contends for national championships, you’re allowed to keep your Indian team nickname, mascot, logo and chant. But if you’re from the MAC or the Sun Belt Conference, you’ve got to rename your team the Red Aardvarks, or something. You’re not allowed to refer to midgets anymore, and certainly not to promote ethnic stereotypes, but Notre Dame represents itself with an ethnic midget, and everything’s fine. When it comes to selective application of the rules, the IRS has got nothing on the NCAA and the liberal sports media.

* Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher – Following accusations against players DeAndre Johnson and Dalvin Cook for allegedly assaulted women at bars, the coach has banned his Seminoles from public drinking places. Mind you, in both instances, the players involved were underage, so why is a new rule even necessary? Is this a new development, that doing something that’s actually illegal is a violation of FSU team policy? Why not announce that punching women is henceforth prohibited by team rules as well? Moreover, why should a law-abiding, 21-year-old senior be forbidden from having a couple beers in a pub, just because two of his teammates are criminals? To his credit, Fisher has dismissed Johnson from the team, and indefinitely suspended Cook, pending investigation. So why dilute the message of accountability by also punishing the innocent?

* Nike founder and Oregon alumnus Phil Knight – for taking away his team’s identity as it prepared for the biggest game in its history. Not that the uniforms made the difference in UO’s 42-20 championship game defeat, but many coaches do believe what their players wear on the field affects them psychologically, which is why so many teams wear black. For the Fighting Ducks, who had just dominated Florida State while wearing their classic emerald greens, showing up for the title game in Tooth Fairy suits had to be a huge letdown. For those of you in the “it’s all about da munny” chorus, Knight doesn’t even have that excuse for what he’s done to the Duck uniforms in recent years, because nobody buys his silver, black and gray merchandise. Even the winged helmet has never really caught on. When the fans showed up for the big game, all decked out in the traditional green and yellow, and displaying the big “O” logo, it looked like half of the stadium was rooting for a team that didn’t bother showing up. Which it didn’t.

* “Mock draft” experts – Trying to project the NFL draft from an entire season away is about as scientific as consulting the Magic 8-Ball, and less than half as interesting. ESPN’s Todd McShay is predicting that Penn State quarterback Christian Hackenberg will be the first player taken in next year’s draft. The College Football Czar’s prediction is that if we first wait and see if Hackenberg has that much better a season than he did last year, and then find out if he’s interested in turning pro a year early, then guessing at his place in the draft order will not be such a moronic thing to do.

* Washington State head coach Mike Leach – A former lawyer, and admirer of Supreme Court justices who make crap up as they go along, Leach has given a characteristically liberal opinion on the New England Patriots’ deflated balls scandal. “With everything that’s going on, we’re worried about how much air goes into a ball when everybody uses their own ball,” he said. “It’s not like it’s a forged football.” Actually, we’re worried about a team breaking the rules in order to cheat its way into the Super Bowl, but who’s counting? If that’s no cause for concern, then by extension, why not use a “forged” football? If every team gets to use whatever it wants as a ball, then why not a Nerf ball, or an acorn squash? The NFL has regulations that define what is and is not a legitimate game ball. If the Pats don’t like the rules, they can try to persuade the league to change them, but they are not at liberty to simply disregard them. Now that Leach is expressing equally little respect for the written rules, the NCAA should immediately investigate him for absolutely everything.

* Washington State head coach Mike Leach – In the same interview, Leach proposed that college football adopt a 64-team playoff, on the basis that “It would be indisputable that it was settled on the field.” Are you playoff-mongers out there starting to see why the College Football Czar has opposed the idea? If absolutely every competent team is invited to a playoff, then there will be little controversy over the national championship, and equally little interest in the regular season. Not only would Alabama and LSU both be assured of playoff spots, but the possibility of encountering each other in the postseason would encourage them to execute vanilla game plans in their regular-season meeting, so as not to give anything away. College football has always been unique among team sports in the excitement it generates in regular-season matchups with national championship implications. It’s like having a world heavyweight title fight on an almost weekly basis, in addition to all the great football games. Anyone who would rather turn college football into college basketball is either a lardhead or an agent of Satan. The Czar is giving Leach the benefit of the doubt by putting him in the former category.

* ESPN’s Joe Schad and Austin Ward – in an online article, Ward wrote that a source had told reporter Schad that four Ohio State players were suspended for their opening game “due to either marijuana or academics.” Those are two very different things, only one of which is against the law. Why split hairs, when you can spatter unfounded rumors throughout cyberspace? One might as well say that Schad and Ward are either bath salt-snorting cannibals or irresponsible journalists.

If the College Football Czar could issue proclamations changing college football, these are some of the things he would do:

* Mandate true-to-life turf – The Czar had hoped that Boise State’s blue playing surface would prove to be a fad, not unlike Koogle, the peanut butter that came in different revolting flavors during the 70s, and had a Kool-Aid Man ripoff mascot that talked like Wolfman Jack. Many of the Czar’s readers are fortunately too young to remember Koogle, but you’ve probably seen football games from Boise, which are nearly as disgusting. Two Division I-AA teams, Eastern Washington and Coastal Carolina, now have their football fields colored bright red and teal, respectively. A second I-A school, Eastern Michigan, now plays on a gray field, which makes live games there look like old newsreel footage. This trendy turf is far too expensive to just tell the schools to tear it up, but the NCAA ought to grandfather in a rule requiring the color of the turf to be consistent with a natural playing surface.

* Let it snow – It’s so rare that we get a good snow game, and when we do, some dorky engineer at ESPN decides it’s a good idea to superimpose black yard lines onto the snow. What kind of a miserable killjoy would even think to do a thing like that? It reminds the Czar of that episode of MASH in which Father Mulcahy grows corn for a Fourth of July cookout, only for the oblivious cook Igor to cream it, per standard Army procedure. It seems as if the sports networks hold weekly meetings to decide how to spoil football for the fans. It’s as if they think that by ruining the games, they’ll justify using more of the screen for tweets and fantasy stats.

* Stop counting cupcakes toward bowl eligibility – Is it any wonder that college football attendance is on the decline? Anymore, the opening week features more phony games than real ones, and fans know the difference. When a Division I-A team schedules a Division I-AA opponent, there are three possible outcomes. One is that the I-A team actually prepares for a game, and mercilessly pummels the I-AA team. Another is that the smaller school wins, because the big-league team goes in with an exhibition game mindset, and doesn’t start taking the game seriously until it’s too late. The most common outcome is that the I-A team ambles to victory despite appearing distracted, in a scrimmage-like performance that’s about as exciting as watching wood rot. In any case, it’s a terrible game that never should have happened.

Games like this used to be somewhat rare, but they’ve proliferated ever since the NCAA ruled that they may be counted toward bowl eligibility. The Czar says no team deserves a bowl game that isn’t willing to face bowl-quality teams in its nonconference schedule.

* Nix the neutral-site games – Partly due to the issue referenced above, there is a paucity of quality interconference games anymore. Worse yet, many of the biggest ones that still exist are neutral-site games, which are organized in much the same way as the old “classics,” like the Kickoff Classic, Disney Pigskin Classic and Jim Thorpe Classic. Unlike those defunct events, these early-season games are not bonuses tacked onto an already existing regular season schedule, but instead are simply regular season games that neither team gets in its season ticket package. That’s a royal kick in the codpiece to loyal fans who now only get strategically scheduled nonconference mismatches. If you buy a season ticket, you get the privilege of paying to see your team beat up on Eastwest Missouri State&M, but if they ever play Alabama, it will be a neutral-site game that you’ll never get to watch in person. Moreover, most of these games tend to be played in domes, which makes for awful TV.

* Give lottery lardheads their own TV network – In the College Football Czar’s hometown of Pittsburgh, broadcasts of the daily lottery have been moved from the ABC to the NBC affiliate. The Czar was initially relieved that this would no longer cause him to miss the decisive play from the 3:30 Big Ten game, until he realized he’d be missing the decisive play of the Notre Dame game instead. The way this works is that college football games last roughly three and a half hours, meaning that a 3:30 game will likely wrap up somewhere around 7:00. That’s when the lottery goes on the air, pushing the end of the football game to a tiny, soundless corner of the screen, so that lardheads can get excited by the obnoxious lottery jingle, and then bore brain cells to death by watching the drawing of the ping pong balls.

It would be best for all of humanity if people would simply stop playing the lottery, but sadly, things are trending in the opposite direction. Now, Pennsylvania has both noon and evening drawings every day, for two, three, four and five-digit numbers. The last of these used to be entitled “Quinto.” Since playing the lottery requires the same mentality it takes to go first in a game of tic-tac-toe and still lose, the Czar proposed a few years ago that the Latin-derived Quinto was far too subtle for lottery lardheads, and should instead be changed to “Fivey” to better get the point across. Lo and behold, Quinto has now been renamed “Pick 5.” Close enough.

Since there seems to be no end to this idiocy, there should at least be a whole separate channel called The Lottery Network, where lardheads can turn to keep abreast of all things lottery. Meanwhile, college football fans would actually get to see that last-second desperation heave into the end zone. As it is, when someone asks the Czar if he remembers that great finish to the 2015 Notre Dame-Georgia Tech game, he will have to answer, “No, but that day’s Fivey was 81639.”

1. Cincinnati Bearcats* – no bear cupboard, with 11 SRs & JRs starting on offense

3. Central Florida Knights – will have some long days with all-new WRs and DBs

4. East Carolina Pirates – hardly Ruffin it, despite losing luxury of Carden at QB

2. Houston Cougars – Coach from Columbus sets sail for new world of Planet Hooston

3. Memphis Tigers – need long-distance information to get in touch with last year’s D

Outlook: If the Middies can keep Keenan Reynolds healthy, they should win a division title in their very first season of play in this or any other conference. The Bearcats’ defense remains a liability, but their schedule is hardly challenging. If they survive an early October trip to BYU, they could be on their way to their best year since their undefeated regular season of 2009.

2. Florida State Seminoles – That’s “semi,” as in half of last year’s team

5. Louisville Cardinals – hollowed out club could collapse like a house of Cards

7. Wake Forest Demon Deacons – Lately, “WF” is a question asked by their fans

1. Georgia Tech Ramblin Wreck – assistant coach Roof has a full slate on defense

3. Pitt Panthers – hoping Pat Narduzzi’s stay is for longer than the usual Pitt-stop

5. Miami Hurricanes – visiting opponents no longer afraid to storm their beach

6. Virginia Cavaliers – cross swords with UCLA, Notre Dame, Boise St. in Sept.

Outlook: A title game featuring anything other than a GT-Clemson matchup would be a tremendous upset. Along with all the players FSU lost to the pros, they’re unlikely to bring back their indefinitely suspended 1,000-yard rusher, Dalvin Cook. If Narduzzi can prop up the Panther defense, their O should roll, with arguably the league’s best rusher and receiver.

1. Ohio State Buckeyes* – What they do to Va. Tech in their rematch will be Brutus

2. Michigan State Spartans – loss of CBs could be a “breaker, breaker” for title hopes

3. Michigan Wolverines – offense won’t miss QB Gardner and WR Funchess bunches

5. Penn State Nittany Lions – must catch the Lions’ share of passes from their own QB

7. Maryland Terrapins – Slow and steady ranks twelfth in the league in rushing

1. Nebraska Cornhuskers – Fans may be saying shucks about strange coaching hire

2. Minnesota Golden Gophers – Can they go pherther than second place finish in 2014?

5. Iowa Hawkeyes – won’t be hard to beat if they don’t protect QB Beathard

Outlook: The battle for the East division promises to be fought ferociously, but if MSU can’t improve its pass defense, the Buckeyes should drop the bomb on them just like last year. Jim Harbaugh should instantly make Michigan a contender, but the offseason coaching hire for the N-men is a lot iffier. Mike Riley’s Oregon State teams hadn’t been competitive for a couple years, and he never did build that program into a contender, but only took over again after Dennis Erickson gave them their first winning season in decades. The College Football Czar must wonder if the Bo Pelini regime was in such total disarray that the Huskers were simply looking for a guy who could run a clean and organized program.

1. TCU Horned Frogs – With ten O starters back, a national title wouldn’t take a big jump

2. Baylor Bears – pre-November schedule is a pick-a-nick basket waiting to be picked

3. Oklahoma State Cowboys – Gundy’s players aren’t 40, but they’ve matured since a year ago

4. West Virginia Mountaineers – WVU doesn’t wuv its woad conference schedule

6. Texas Longhorns – Charlie Strong has yet to put his brand on the men of steer

7. Oklahoma Sooners – didn’t start nearly soon enough in bowl game vs. Clemson

8. Texas Tech Red Raiders – Must they hit bottom before bouncing back in Lubbock?

10. Iowa State Cyclones – The original Cy’s football genes must have been recessive

Outlook: Once again, the Frogs and Bears could contend nationally, in part because their schedules offer few opportunities for defeat. At least TCU dares to tangle with Minnesota on the road to open the season, although they probably didn’t figure that to be a tough game when they scheduled it. WVU and Texas have the potential to mount an unexpected challenge, while OSU remains steady, and the rest of the conference remains flatter than the terrain where it resides.

1. Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders – MT-heads and shoulders above their divisional foes

2. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers – Someone tell the defense that Big Red means “STOP”

3. Marshall Thundering Herd – less lightninging seen, with record-setting QB Cato gone

5. Florida Atlantic Burrowing Owls – The 2014 season left a bad taste in Rat Mouth

6. Old Dominion Monarchs – didn’t get any butterflies in first year of I-A ball

1. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs* – Coach Skippy looks like he’ll stick around awhile

4. North Texas Mean Green – Tough road games mean they must scratch out wins in Denton

6. Southern Miss Golden Eagles – They melt in opponents’ hands at M.M. Roberts Stadium

Outlook: LTU coach Skip Holtz finally got the fireworks started on the Bulldog offense last season. We’ll see if it’s a good gamble for him to go with Florida transfer QB Jeff Driskel, whose career with the Gators had been a dud. It’s the Tech defense that will make the difference, though, as MTSU, WKU, Marshall and Rice will have to keep scoring their way out of trouble.

1. Notre Dame Fighting Irish – They Con-go a long way with Zaire at quarterback

2. Brigham Young Cougars – can’t wait to put Miami melee vs. Memphis behind them

3. Army Black Knights – West Pointers need to point north and south more often

Outlook: The annually unjustified Fighting Irish hype will be put to the test early. If the golden domers defeat Georgia Tech on Sept. 19, they are a legitimate national powerhouse. If not, things probably won’t get much better for them against Clemson and USC. The Cougars were 4-0 last year before QB Taysom Hill broke his leg. He’s back this year, but they’re unlikely to replicate that start, since they open against Nebraska, Boise St., UCLA and Michigan.

1. Bowling Green Falcons* – QB Matt Johnson gets off the mat to fight for the title

6. Kent State Golden Flashes – gotta get down to it, opponents are gunning them down

7. Miami OH RedHawks – If the clothes make the man, last year’s 2-10 record was fitting

1. Northern Illinois Huskies – Drew Hare, a.k.a., Wudy da Wabbit, makes dem da winna

3. Western Michigan Broncos – “Row the Boat” made them no match for flyboys in bowl game

4. Central Michigan Chippewas – deflating finish to bowl rally makes them ask “Wa Hoppmm?”

5. Ball State Cardinals – try to take flight, in absence of a top running back

Outlook: BG should bag the East division with ease, while NIU and Toledo battle for the West. The Minutemen are out to prove themselves in this, their last season before being kicked out of the league. Buffalo has the talent to contend, but former D-III coach Leipold better realize he’s not facing UW-Eau Claire anymore.

2. Air Force Falcons – Colorado Springs trapped Boise St., Navy, Colo. St. & Nevada in ‘14

3. Colorado State Rams – nation’s leading receiver Higgins is ex-trohhr-dnerry!

4. Utah State Aggies – Can this Chuckie sequel possibly turn out any differently?

1. San Diego State Aztecs* – if only they had this strong a defense against the Spaniards

2. Nevada Wolf Pack – When Ian Seau hits you, you say, “I’d rather you hadn’t done that”

3. Fresno State Bulldogs – anything but bowl-dogs, judging from recent appearances

4. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors – They must be HI, if they think they can win with this schedule

6. UNLV Rebels – High school coach should feel right at home with this remedial team

Outlook: The Aztecs appear to be the class of the league, with Kentucky transfer Maxwell Smith at QB to complement RB Donnel Pumphrey, as well as the MWC’s premier defense. The Broncos have lots of starters returning, but Grant Hedrick and Jay Ajai are not among them. The wild card in this conference is former Georgia QB and offensive coordinator Mike Bobo, who takes over a young club at Colorado State.

4. Washington State Cougars – new DC Grinch could fix D that stink, stank, stunk

5. Oregon State Beavers – expecting grate things with Big Cheese arriving from Wisconsin

6. Washington Huskies – not enough big dogs hitting the blocking sleds on either line

2. Arizona State Sun Devils – QB Berco-(veni, vidi)-vici against SC & Stanford last year

Outlook: Southern Cal should contend for the national championship, just as long as they don’t overlook opponents like they did last season at Boston College. They are in by far the tougher division of this conference, however, as the South has at least 5 of the league’s 7 best teams, and maybe 5 out of 6. The Fighting Ducks have lost a lot of talent on defense, but the offense is still in good hands, even without Marcus Mariota. ASU must be considered a perennial contender, now that they’ve persuaded coach Todd Graham to stay put for more than three years.

3. Tennessee Volunteers – Tennessee, Tenne-do, after years of being a mere spectator

4. Florida Gators – realizing that “Gainesville” wasn’t meant to be ironic

5. South Carolina Gamecocks – roster so unsettled, they should be the Shuttlecocks

7. Vanderbilt Commodores – the ugliest thing to hit Nashville since Natalie Maines

Southeastern Conference (west division) 1. LSU Tigers* – divisional foes are in for a Rouge awakening

4. Texas A&M Aggies – raggedy “&” defense gets tossed around like rag dolls

6. Ole Miss Rebels – Their fortunes are flagging, like the forbidden Southern Cross

7. Mississippi State Bulldogs – Dak’s not dealing from a stacked deck this time

Outlook: The College Football Czar sees too much parity in this league for it to produce a national championship contender, but its teams will dominate the Top 25 as usual. Overall, the league will be down slightly, due to a dearth of experience at the quarterback position. On that basis, Brandon Allen and Arkansas have a chance for a big season. When no dominant team emerges, LSU always seems to find a way to outlast the opposition, even if they don’t appear talented enough at the so-called “skill positions.” As for the Mississippi schools, it was nice while it lasted.

3. Texas State Bobcats – Were Franchione a francophone, he’d say, “bonjour, bowl game”

4. Georgia Southern Eagles – new OL leaves spread eagle offense in compromising position

5. Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns – lack off pass rush will let foes pick their peppers

6. Appalachian State Mountaineers – Last year’s lineup is ‘Neer totally intact

7. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks – Coach Berry takes command of O for belligerent birds

8. Troy Trojans – fans need Counselor Troi to do a level-one diagnostic on them

9. Idaho Vandals – took the handles, but don’t seem to use them, with minus-11 TO margin

10. New Mexico State Aggies – continue to get everything crossed up in Las Cruces

11. Georgia State Panthers – The Georgia Dome’s depressing enough without these guys

Outlook: The Jags get a much desired do-over, after weirdly introducing a whole new offensive scheme for their bowl game, thus letting a promising season end with a defeat, a 6-7 record, and abundant bumfuzzlement. By all rights, the Bobs should have been invited to their first bowl game last season. This time, they won’t leave the committees much of a choice. Arky-State will contend as always, just as long as they don’t get too badly beaten up in early games against USC and Missouri.

The College Football Czar has no idea who he will end up picking to win the following games, but he highlights them now as possible upsets which threaten to ensnare some of the nation's most prominent programs. The favored teams appear in bold face.

TCU at Minnesota – The Horned Frogs can’t expect many challenges this season, so will they be ready for one on the opening Thursday night of the season? The Golden Gophers have come a long way since last year’s 30-7 defeat at Fort Worth. Maybe the way they rolled over Michigan was no big deal, but they also blew out Iowa, defeated Nebraska, and went toe-to-toe with Ohio State for four quarters before falling by a final of 31-24. These radiant rodents can be an impressive sight in their home stadium, where they were 6-0 heading into that OSU game. The Frogs didn’t fare that well on the road in 2014, losing at Baylor, and barely withstanding West Virginia and Kansas.

Temple at Cincinnati – You never know until they start playing the games, but it sure looks like this could prove to be a decisive battle in determining the East division of the AAC. Last November, the undermanned Owls actually outgained the UC offense by 12 yards in a 14-6 loss. The Bearcats can’t afford to be on cruise control, in between games against Division I-AA Alabama A&M and MAC doormat Miami Ohio. Temple is determined to record a couple big victories, so that it is finally known for something un-Cosby.

Air Force at Michigan State – Wishbone teams are always tough to prepare for, but especially just seven days after a marquee grudge match like MSU-Oregon. Especially if the Spartans prevail in that rematch with the webfoots, they could have trouble focusing on an AFA squad that is, needless to say, disciplined. The Falcons, who are idle the following week, will see no need to keep their lightning in a bottle.

Baylor vs. Texas Tech – Last year in Arlington, the Red Raiders had a late two-point attempt that could have forced overtime. The try failed, and BU escaped 48-46, but the damage was done, as the Bears’ national title chances had effectively ended. Tech QB Pat Mahomes, then a freshman, whaled on the Waco kids for 598 passing yards and six touchdowns. The Bears have won the last four games in this series, but they’ve all been unsettling, high-scoring contests, with the teams combining for an average of 98.5 points per game. This year’s rematch is also a neutral-site indoor game at Jerry Jones’ House of Inadequacy, which means they’ll need to score twelve more touchdowns just to make it interesting.

Ohio State at Indiana – Conventional wisdom has it that the Buckeyes proved they’ve solved the problem of up-tempo offenses by handling Oregon in last year’s championship game. However, those three consecutive first-half three-and-outs that let the OSU defense catch its breath were not primarily of its own doing. If they think two dropped UO third-down conversions and a missed interference penalty means they’ve got the blueprint to beat the hurry-up, they could be ripe for a Hoosier upset. Last time the lumpy nuts visited IU was during their undefeated 2012 season, when they barely escaped with a 52-49 win. They clearly got gassed in the second half of that one, during which they allowed 35 points.

LSU at South Carolina – Unless a young Auburn team grows up in a hurry, the Bayou Bengals are likely to get to this point undefeated, mostly because their nonconference schedule is as solid as a bowl of gumbo. Come to think of it, at least gumbo has solid bits in it. The Tigers’ non-SEC slate is more like gumbo-flavored pudding. The Gamecocks were one of the most disappointing teams of 2014, which probably means you don’t want to be Steve Spurrier’s opponent in his biggest home game of 2015.

Tennessee at Alabama – Traditionally, one of the great rivalries of college football, only the Volunteers perceive it as such anymore. To the Crimson Tide, it’s just another game against an East division also-ran, between battles with Texas A&M and LSU. The Vols are an experienced, improving team, from a school that still harbors considerable animosity toward Bama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin, who left Knoxville after only one turbulent season as head coach.

California at Oregon – The Ducks played some ugly ball against the Golden Bears in last year’s 59-41 win at Levi’s Stadium. This time, they might start feeling a little too comfortable at home in Eugene, right after a big road game against Arizona State, and a week before traveling to Stanford. In coach Sonny Dykes’ second season in at Cal, his team was in seven games last year that were decided by eight points or fewer. In his third year at Louisiana Tech, he went 9-3 with a team that averaged 51.5 points per game, and then got hired away by the Bears. In spite of UO’s recent dominance in this series, its hometown may be suffering from feelings of inferiority toward the Bay Area. It’s a little-known fact that Eugene, Oregon once fell and hit its head, and then woke up thinking it was Berkeley.

UCLA at USC – The Bruins are lucky this is a season-ending rivalry game, because by then freshman QB Josh Rosen will have had a full season behind center in an otherwise loaded offense. With the Trojans trekking to Oregon a week earlier, there’s a good chance they will either just have clinched a berth in the Pac 12 title game, or just have been eliminated. It may be hard to believe they could be unmotivated to play their crosstown foes, but it sure seemed like it last year, when they lost 38-20. With the exception of the Pete Carroll era, Southern Cal has been historically known for taking opponents likely. Once, they even let Fleetwood Mac march all the way into their end zone. Admittedly, Lindsey Buckingham is sneaky-fast, but still!

Just for fun, the Czar takes his best preseason guesses at how the postseason might turn out.

Poinsettia ….. Dec. 23 ….. MWC vs. Army^* ….. San Diego St. vs. Bowling Green

GoDaddy.com ….. Dec. 23 ….. Sun Belt vs. MAC ….. S. Alabama vs. No. Illinois

St. Petersburg ….. Dec. 26 ….. AAC vs. C-USA ….. E. Carolina vs. Fla. Int’l

Heart of Dallas ….. Dec. 26 ….. C-USA vs. Big XII* ….. La. Tech vs. Fresno St.

Foster Farms ….. Dec. 26 ….. Big Ten vs. Pac 12 ….. Indiana vs. California

Russell Athletic ….. Dec. 29 ….. ACC vs. Big XII ….. N. Carolina vs. W. Virginia

Orange ….. Dec. 31 ….. Semifinalist vs. Semifinalist ….. Ohio St. vs Clemson

Championship ….. Jan. 11 ….. Cotton winner vs. Orange winner ….. USC vs. Ohio St.

-- Daniel Clark is a writer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He is the author and editor of a web publication called The Shinbone: The Frontier of the Free Press, where he also publishes a seasonal sports digest as The College Football Czar.

The newest Division I-A football team, and member of Conference USA, is Charlotte, nee the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. For reasons too uninteresting and stupid to bother explaining here, the team’s nickname is the 49ers. Since 2000, its logo has consisted of a round letter “C” wielding a pickaxe. It could not more obviously be a thinly veiled hammer-and-sickle logo, which probably started as a contest submission from some typical campus pinko. If only their school colors were red and yellow instead of green and gold, they’d look like the official American football team of the Soviet Union...

Entertaining read in the lead-in items and I generally agree with the writer on most of those. I’m a Big 12 guy and I think he got close on the rankings. I see OSU handling Baylor this year to take the Cowboys to one of the New Year’s Day bowls. Good line on the “flat.”

Once, they even let Fleetwood Mac march all the way into their end zone. Admittedly, Lindsey Buckingham is sneaky-fast, but still!

LOL!

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