Posted on 05/31/2013 5:46:00 AM PDT by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
Tuesday afternoon, a local elementary school student, Peter Collins, was arrested for bringing a “tornado in a bottle” to school for the annual Denysin Elementary science fair. Authorities were alerted after it was reported that a student had what appeared to be an “atmospheric weapon of destruction” on school grounds.
The school was quickly evacuated, as the Denver bomb squad was called in to deal with collecting and neutralizing Collins’ second grade science fair project. Teachers close to Collins noted that Collins was a, “stellar student’ and they were, “shocked to learn someone like that could be capable of doing something so dangerous”. One witness remarked that Collins’ project looked, “normal” until Collins shook it up to reveal its true “sinister and offensive form”.
According to Collins’ parents, the project was nothing more than water mixed with dish soap and blue dye that creates a, “tornado like spiral” when shaken. However, many area parents are not so convinced of the project’s innocent nature.
Mother of a student in Peter Collins’ class, Angela Surname, told reporters that she, “didn’t know how plans for such diabolical technology could get into the hands of children” and that she and all of her book club agree that the internet and, “whichever top-forty musician that wears the most black” are to blame.
Many parents have demanded the school district take, “immediate disciplinary action” against Collins. Several students in Collins’ class have reportedly told the school’s administration that they are, “too distraught “ by the incident to do homework or participate in class.
These complaints by students have resulted in many parents demanding that free after school counseling be offered to any students in the district who were, “disturbed by Collins’ science fair project”.
Denysin Elementary School Principal, Dan Johnson, noted that the school has a strict, “zero tolerance policy on any and all atmospheric simulations” since the infamous 2003 incident involving a baking soda volcano in which two students’ shoes and pants were temporarily stained. Principal Johnson told reporters that seven year old Collins will be charged with, “possession and discharge of a weapon on school grounds, discharging a destructive device, and child abuse” all of which carry a minimum of ten years prison time.
When asked about the severity of Collins’ punishment, Principal Johnson told reporters, “We don’t allow toy guns in our schools, why should we allow a replication of something more destructive than a gun”.
When parents of Denysin Elementary students were asked about the severity of Collins’ punishment, many believed that the actions taken against Collins were, “perfectly reasonable”.
“What if next time a student brings a real tornado to school? We have to show the bad seeds that there are serious consequences for their actions” remarked local mother and elbow pad enthusiast, Coleen McClusky.
Many parents of students in Collins’ class have spoken out for Collins to be, “expelled and banished” from the school and state respectively. Those parents then told reporters that were their children to be in Collins situation, they were, “ninety percent sure (they) would still feel the same way”.
Collins is currently being held in San Morrison federal prison without bail, and will see a judge sometime in between “next Tuesday and his eighth grade graduation”.
UPDATE: After being thrown out by three separate local judges, Denysin Elementary School Principal is pursuing the possibility of trying young Peter Collins in a military tribunal for, “Conspiracy and Terrorism”.
(Preceding is Satire.)
Acme Do it Yourself Tornado Kit?
Land of the free and home of the brave, huh?
Good God, the kid put soap and dye in water and everyone freaks out like he’s created a nuclear bomb.
This country is so damned afraid of its own shadow, it’ll never recover its former greatness.
Satire. Belay my last.
Until the very last line, i wasn’t sure if this was satire or not.
Granted, it was at the end.
LOL! It had me going for a few sentences too.
FRiend - it’s satire.
Belay my last also!
.png)
It’s funny that with all the “zero tolerance” policies,
that you actually could think that this was true.
Yes, we think that little of public schools and their administrators.
after the fifth paragraph or so, I scrolled down to check if it had been posted to Humor.
I think the adults at that school need to be drug tested.
Is that from “Redneck Rampage”?
The nanny State has become so ubiquitous and oppressive that I didn’t realize this was satire until almost the end!
Yes... I believe so.
Had me going right up to “whichever top-forty musician that wears the most black.”
It seemed so real.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.