Posted on 08/30/2011 1:45:15 PM PDT by CSM
Dave Ramsey's been there, and he knows how to overcome it from daveramsey.com on 20 Sep 2010 Email Sean has a problem.
Like millions of Americans, Sean is addicted to spending. He buys stuff he doesn’t need with money he doesn’t have. Not only that, but Sean is addicted to spending to the point that it’s having a huge impact on his marriage. His wife has threatened to leave him if he doesn’t get control of his spending.
When Sean called in to The Dave Ramsey Show, he had reached the end of his rope. “I keep a lot of things hidden from [my wife], and I know I’m supposed to tell her everything, but I just feel like I’m addicted to spending. She’s lost trust in me, and she’s wanting to end the marriage over it, and I just don’t know what to do.”
It’s the sad truth that Sean’s problem isn’t unique. Some Americans could be classified as “shopaholics”—people who really are compulsive spenders. But, in reality, most Americans like Sean are just spenders. They’ve grown up without ever being told no, and they have carried that mentality into adulthood. Now, they don’t know how to tell themselves no.
“When I see something I want, I can tell myself no,” Sean said. “But then over the next day or so, I convince myself that I need to go buy it.” He can’t seem to get out of this self-destructive cycle.
Dave Ramsey can relate. After building up a net worth of more than $1 million, he lost everything. A series of bad real estate decisions and a desire to buy stuff his family couldn’t afford eventually led him to bankruptcy. But those failures led him to pursue finding out how money really works—and how to be confident and in control of it. He discovered that there’s a better way.
Dave's advice for Sean was straightforward. “Number one: You’ve got to really believe you have a problem. Sometimes, you need a healthy level of disgust with yourself to make a change. Then you’ve got to realize that the next Costco run you make is going to cost you the marriage. If you get that into your head, then you will change.”
If you find yourself in Sean’s situation, you must—absolutely must—sit down with your spouse, or find an accountability partner if you aren’t married, and make a game plan. Spend every dollar on paper, on purpose, before the month begins. Allocate a small percentage of your budget—depending on your income and your amount of debt—toward “blow money.” Spend that money on whatever you want. But once it’s gone, that’s it. You have to wait until next month to spend more.
When you put everything down on paper, and when you pinky swear and spit shake that “this is the way things are going to be,” then you have made yourself accountable. If you break your word after doing all of that, then you need to be in serious therapy and hope that you can save your marriage.
If you are married, then you’re in this together. There is no such thing as “his debt” and “her debt.” The pastor said, “For better or for worse”—and this is one of those “for worse” times in your life. One of you might have messed up. But, if you want to stay together, then both of you need to figure out a way to fix it. Without you both on the same page, you’ll never rebuild your marriage or overcome your spending problem.
Adults devise a plan and follow it; children do what feels good. If you’re like Sean and have recognized your spending problem, then you have taken the first step. Now, it’s time to follow through.
I hate to post and run, but I have to run.....enjoy.
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Part of the problem is not so much spending as much as people have lost the skill in knowing how to fully utilize the stuff they have, so they buy more stuff without having tried to figure out how to really use what they have.
interesting Dave Ramsey article.
A guy I work with finally had enough with his wife’s inability to stop spending. Over the last year, he’s changed jobs 3 times to earn more money to stay ahead of her habits, but each time, she just rachetted it up even more. He doesn’t like debt, at all, and is trying to finish his degree, paying his way as he goes, so this drives him nuts. He can’t get ahead or work on his goals, because she spends everything. He finally ended the marriage, because she just would not change and would not work with him to get it under control. They have 3 kids; oldest is 3. Very sad.
I have an uncle who continues to spend more than he takes in. I promised him I would give him roughly 30% of everything I earn in order to help him make ends meet. He's lately been talking about hitting me up for a larger percentage of what I earn. If I miss a payment to him, he threatens me and my family. I'm especially worried since he seems to be borrowing more and more in order to make payments on his old loans. It's to the the point that he even said my kids and grand-kids are going to have to pitch in. Should I keep paying him or should I stand up to him and tell him where he can go?
P.S. His name is Sam
Just Sam or Son of Sam?
If it’s just Sam, give him the honest truth. If it’s otherwise, do it in a phonecall, from Australia.
Very creative, optiguy!! Also, lots of truth there.
I think his name is “Uncle Sam.”
No matter, it’s the same procedure.
You can do a lot when you’re out of jurisdiction, as opposed to when you’re in jurisdiction.
I’ll do my best to speak on Dave’s behalf. I think I can accurately predict what he would say, but remember that I am not him....
;-)
That said, I think he would tell you to stop being an enabler. If your uncle was a crackhead, would you give him money for crack? would you buy a drunk a drink? You need to shift your thinking to realize that his way of handling his finances is the same as any other life destroying activity. Stop enabling him.
Now, what you could do is convince him to read “The Total Money Makeover.” Offer to pay him $100 to read it and give you a verbal book report on it. Then offer to match his debt payment, for example for every $1 in debt pay off he completes, you could match it with a $1 or $0.50 or whatever you are comfortable with.
This will allow for you to help him and teach him how to stop destroying his life. Quite often in these scenarios, he recommends that the caller read “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud. I have read that and I think you would find it very valuable.
Good luck in handling this very difficult situation.
That is a very sad and heartbreaking story. I wish I would never have to hear that story again, but I fear that it will continue to be a theme.....
hahahaha! You fooled me! Good one. The problem is that it is a common personal finance problem, so I fell hook, line and sinker. I’ve posted the following before, but will take this opportunity to post it again.
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A couple of months ago, my hero, Dave Ramsey laid out the financial conversion of the federal budget to how it would look for the average family. My numbers may be off a bit as I am doing it from memory, but the scope is there.
Average Family, if they spent like the feds:
Annual Income: $50,000
Annual Spending: $90,000 - 180% of annual income
Existing CC bill: $330,000
Now, if this same family wanted to increase their income (raise revenues) and they patterned that after the same numbers that the dems are discussing for “taxing the rich” it would equal that family getting a second job that earns an extra income of $80 per year……yes, that is eighty dollars, I did not leave of a K or anything….
But don’t worry about it, this family doesn’t have a spending problem either.
It’s obviously on her head here, but he also bears fault. He didn’t know this behavior pattern 4 years ago before bringing THREE children into the world? And yet he has 3 tiny children with someone that he has left and I’ll bet he left his children with her. Neither one of these two are a prize.
I agree. My heart breaks for the little ones. They’re the ones who ultimately pay for mom’s inability to grow up, and dad’s inability to see the truth about mom before it was too late.
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