Posted on 04/21/2006 7:40:22 AM PDT by BJClinton
Happy Friday everyone! The monster storms last night knocked out power and turned my alarm off. It also jacked with the clock on my coffee grinder/brewer. Not cool. Anywho, please, let the silliness begin!.
Hottie, do you still have a pic of me? day10 would like to see it, and since I am a computer mental midget, I can't do it. It's for cheesecake for IPW
We need to send a box to Tom Cruise.
1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself
.........Mark Twain -
2. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
.........Winston Churchill -
3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
.........George Bernard Shaw -
4. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
.........James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) -
5. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
.........Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University -
6. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
.........P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian -
7. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
.........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) -
8. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a fewshort phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
.........Ronald Reagan (1986) -
9. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
........Will Rogers -
10. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
........P.J. O'Rourke -
11. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
.......Voltaire (1764) -
12. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
.......Pericles (430 BC.) -
13. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the Legislature is in session.
.......Mark Twain (1866) -
14. Talk is cheap. . .except when Congress does it.
.......Unknown -
15. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
.......Winston Churchill -
16. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
.......Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) -
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
......Thomas Jefferson -
OK, which thread do we use? This one, or this one:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1618861/posts
"What's with that pig?" he inquires.
"That pig, saved my daughter's life, my son's life, and our barn."
"How so?"
"Well, about 2 years back, my daughter was missing. She'd fallen into the well. We was looking for her, and that pig heard her, found me, and dragged me to the well. Last year, my son was walking the cornfields when he collapsed in the path of the combine. That pig saw it happen, climbed out of the stye, ran into the field and dragged my boy out of the way of the combine. And earlier this spring, we had an electric fire start in the barn. That pig broke down the front door, came upstair and woke us up."
"Is that how he lost his legs? Burnt in the fire?"
"Naw." said the farmer. "A pig like that, well, you don't eat him all at once."
Sounds pretty good...actually!
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
I do. Where should I send it? I don't want to open IPW here at work. I like you guys and all, but you know....
Don't know about you, but I've got plenty to go around. Wow, that sounds bad.
Hangover Ratings
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 a.m. Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your @$$. You are thinking that Death might be better that this.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Indubitably
2. Innovative
3. Preliminary
4. Proliferation
5. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5. Oh no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Morning! glad you could make it today.
Understand. You're off the hook, Millee is going to do it.
The End of the Raven
-- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"There is nothing I like more"
Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;
For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
"Nevermore."
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.
1st Graders
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
he children began:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're a$$holes!"
It's Hu--not, huh.
I didn't see an official thread already posted. But really, it took an act of God to make me late...
The man stops and says, "If you'll shake the apples off the tree you can put the pig down to eat the apples and save a lot of time."
Farmer says, "What's time to a pig?"
Behold! The mesmerizing glory of the entire Star Wars Episode IV as pixelgif!
STAND BACK!
I HAVE SILLINESS AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT!
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.