Posted on 12/09/2018 12:51:48 PM PST by sodpoodle
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target, her store of choice.
Unfortunately, like most men; I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a few commotions in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor which resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the, ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
# 12 made me laugh out loud!
I hit #3 and just started rolling. Still chuckling.
Roommate and me did that a campus bus stopped at Texas Tech U about '79.
Made the school newspaper and included a bus in the pic.
A retraction was issued the next day stating that a bus did not run over anyone...that time
It is darn funny. I wish I had that much imagination.
OUTSTANDING-—
I was raised on a dairy farm & that really made me laugh.
I like your humor.
Post away!
And some freepers should eat some coal. They are so uptight they would poop diamonds. :)
LOL, thank you. :-)
Is this a quiz?
Fill in the blanks: Stick and @$$.
This female thinks shopping is a chore.
We pinched the metal fitting of one of the hoses so that it was very, very high pressure so that when people walked out of the barn, while out of sight from the far end and other side of the rack, we'd turn it on and watch the hose stand up--seemingly all on it's own like a cobra snake--and spray water all over everyone.
Not looking for trouble, we only did that one once. Great memories..
After reading this my husband said maybe shopping doesn’t have to be boring.
Now that right there is funny!
Hey! I got a good laugh at your humor
Thank you
The rest of you peeps new to get a sense of humor
Ask Santa for one
Hey, I think yelling at clouds is funny too.
People gotta be so series these days...phhhhhht.
I enjoy your humor threads. We all need a laugh once in a while.
Thanks for posting them. And God bless to you, too!
>I might stop posting ‘humor’ threads if there is no longer any laughter profit margin.
Excuse me, Sir, but that’s the worst news I’ve gotten in the last week or so. In fact I’d go so far as to ask you that, if you have a sodpoodle ping list to put me on it. For all the critics there’s a simple solution - close the thread. For the rest of us, I, for one shall continue to enjoy. Thanks for posting.
Many years ago I walked into an appliance store with a friend. While he kept the salesman busy I went over to one of the receivers that allowed one to program the genre of music being played by a specific station. I figured out how to input “Bite Me!” with the built in controller and left the message for all to see.
A few weeks later I had occasion to return to the store and lo and behold my message was still running on said receiver. Turns out that nobody there had any idea about to re-program the device.
Superglued dimes and quarters to floor.
Some of the WalMart self checker areas have “Scan & Go” invitations on the column signage.
As I was starting to walk out with a few items, I pointed out to the “minder” that because it didn’t say “Scan, PAY and Go” I just figured it was some sort of inventory control feature.
PS. Do either of you last two on my reply list work the self-checkout at the WalMart on FM2920 @ Kuykendahl in Spring, TX?
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