Americans Divided Over What Wild Animal They Would Like To See Congress Mauled By

Da New Yorker ^ | October, 2013 | Andy Borowitz

[Diana in Wisconsin]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the partial government shutdown grinds on into its twelfth day, Americans remain deeply divided over what kind of wild animal they would most like to see Congress mauled by, according to a new poll released today.

While a majority of Americans say they would enjoy seeing Congress torn limb from limb by a ferocious bear, there is disagreement over which species of bear would be best suited for that assignment.

When asked, “What kind of bear would do the best job of savaging Congress with its fearsome paws?,” Americans gave grizzly bears the highest job-approval rating, followed by polar bears, and by black bears in a distant third.

But the poll showed that there was also strong support for the idea of Congress being set upon by a pack of rapacious animals, with rabid hyenas the first choice of many respondents, followed by feral dogs and cats.

While insatiable, bloodthirsty mammals were most often cited as the animals Americans would like to see eviscerate Congress, there was significant support for another scenario, involving Congress being consumed by a swarm of predatory insects.

Fifteen per cent of those surveyed “strongly agreed” with the statement, “Being torn limb from limb by a grizzly bear or devoured by a pack of rabid hyenas is too good for these people. They should be eaten, very slowly, by a colony of hungry fire ants. Yes, that’s it—fire ants. That would be amazing.”

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Just silliness at the end of a TRYING week! :)

[cyclotic]

Honey Badger

[RC one]

seems like it’s already being torn apart by a angry herd of RINOs.

[Red Badger]

Pit Bull...........................

[Diana in Wisconsin]

LOL!

[atc23]

The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit -

Great White Shark

[grania]

(sick joke, forgive me, I can’t help myself)......ISIS

[2ndDivisionVet]

A band of Sasquatch.

[Noumenon]

Honey badger don't care

[ZOOKER]

Too quick and easy.

I vote for ducks, only mildly angry.

Just chip away, a little at a time. Seems appropriate.

[pax_et_bonum]

ROFLLLL!!!

Thanks very very much for posting!

;-)

[ssaftler]

The sand worm from “Return of the Jedi”. The one that takes 1000 years to digest its prey.

[BenLurkin]

[bigbob]

Hilldebeast

[cyclotic]

That was a great three minutes.

The Honey Badger is Steve Bannon’s theme animal. I read he had a poster of a Honey Badger on his White house office door.

[MrEdd]

A giant squid.
Release the kraken.

[honurider]

I know some will probably be pissed, but oh well.

Just a question. Had the Las Vegas shooter shot up the 535 members of congress, truly (other than family members) how many Americans would be upset?

[Brooklyn Attitude]

Full grown male chimp.

[Waverunner]

I'm sure they would love to remain in orifice for 1000 yrs.

[HombreSecreto]

I would say sharks with laser beams attached to their heads but I’ll settle for ill-tempered mutated sea bass.