***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

Some OXYMORONS to contemplate ....

Some old…some new…

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year Do you sit in front of a dead
tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

I dunno, why do we?

Top 1000?

He held her close against him, a warm glow of satisfaction covering them both.

"Am I the first man you've ever made love with?" he asked.

She studied him reflectively. "You might be," she said. "Your face looks very familiar."

A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. THIS pic is worth a thousand wishes, at least:

Blonde walks into the ER complaining of chest pains. The attending Doc gives her a complete exam.

Doc: Miss you have acute angina.

Blondie: I know that Doc, but is there anything wrong with my heart?

I know an 80 year old man who has sex almost every day. He almost has it on Monday, almost has it on Tuesday...

A teacher gave her English class an assignment on the subject they had been studying all week, writing a good story. She gave them an assignment for Friday, saying some stories would be read in class, but they would fail if they didn’t have the four cornerstones of writing: Religion, Royalty, Sex and Mystery.

She was hopeful as the kids filed into class on Friday morning with their stories in their hands. She asked for volunteers, and of course, the Infamous Johnny raised his hand.

Finally, after three or four stories, Johnny’s hand was still up and waving and at last she called on him.

“Johnny, are you sure you have all four parts, Religion, Royalty, Sex and Mystery?”

“Yes, teach I am.”

Still afraid of what he was going to say, she said, “OK, come up before the class and read it aloud,” inwardly cringing.

“Holy Moses!” said the Princess. “Pregnant again. I wonder who it was.”

OK. Top 15.

TRUE STORY:

After church Sunday I went straight to the hospital to visit the lead guitarist in my band, who was having chemo.

Waiting in line right in front of me were two Franciscans.

Herewith was the conversation that ensued:

Me: Pastoral Visit?

Fran: Yes...and you?

Me: Yes. I am going to visit the lead guitarist in our Music Ministry.

Fran: Oh. What Church?

Me: It’s a Biker church...but since our pastor went to Knox, I guess we are “Presbyterian”.

Fran: Oh. WE are ecuminical.

Me: So are we...we even let Kawasaki riders join!

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.