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Russian Jokes (might as get ready)
.johndclare.net ^

Posted on 11/09/2013 11:24:04 AM PST by virgil283

A Polish tourist comes back home after visiting the USSR. He carries two very large and heavy suitcases. On his wrist is a new Soviet-made watch. He tells the customs man: "This is a new Soviet watch. It's a wonder unknown in the capitalist countries. You see, it shows time, the rate of your pulse beats, the phases of the Moon, the weather in Warsaw, Moscow, and New York, and more and more!" "Yes, it's a wonder," the customs man agrees. "And what is it you have in these big suitcases?" "Oh, it's just the batteries for that watch." ........................................ A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there." "That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him." The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there." .............................. “Is it possible to build communism in America?” We’re answering: “It's possible, but who will we buy grain from?”

(Excerpt) Read more at johndclare.net ...


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: russianjokes
“What is permitted and what is prohibited?” We’re answering: “In England, what is permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited. In America everything is permitted except for what is prohibited. ......... “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the world?” We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.” ..................... “What will be the results of the next elections?” We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.” Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.” ................. “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?” : “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’” ............................ “Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?” We’re answering: “We had to make some changes in our staff. The previous broadcaster, while reading an article that contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’ made a pause too long after the word ‘nothing.’” .............................. “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.” We’re answering: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.” ............................

In Germany everything is prohibited except for what is permitted. In France everything is permitted, even what is prohibited. In the USSR everything is prohibited, even what is permitted. ....................... Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers." "Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures." Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number. "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found." "What a pity," Beria said. "All of them have already confessed."

1 posted on 11/09/2013 11:24:04 AM PST by virgil283
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To: virgil283
Reagan tells Soviet jokes.
2 posted on 11/09/2013 11:28:48 AM PST by 1rudeboy
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To: 1rudeboy
A frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."

"This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

3 posted on 11/09/2013 11:32:52 AM PST by Zuben Elgenubi
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To: virgil283; All

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4 posted on 11/09/2013 11:32:57 AM PST by musicman (Until I see the REAL Long Form Vault BC, he's just "PRES__ENT" Obama = Without "ID")
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To: 1rudeboy

Thanks 1RB...He tells them better than I do...


5 posted on 11/09/2013 11:39:53 AM PST by virgil283 (When the sun spins, the cross appears, and the skies burn red)
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To: musicman

No Jokes,
Nobama is setting up Gulags to collect American jokers about him.
The reason is not for telling joke, but to reveal the state secret (that he is ......)


6 posted on 11/09/2013 11:44:53 AM PST by Leo Carpathian (FReeeeepeesssssed)
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To: 1rudeboy

Quite enjoyable to see and hear Reagan. The jokes were good.


7 posted on 11/09/2013 12:01:41 PM PST by redfreedom (GOP = Vichy colaborators at best, traitorous 5th Columnists at worst.)
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To: redfreedom
One of my favorite Reagan jokes goes like this:

Two hundred years from now Reagan and Brezhnev are up in heaven having lunch together. Brezhnev looks over his side of the cloud and says, "It looks like the stock market has fallen to a fifty year low."

Reagan replies, "Yes, it is a pity. Did you notice the renewed fighting on the German/Chinese boarder?"

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)

LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)

8 posted on 11/09/2013 12:11:20 PM PST by LonePalm (Commander and Chef)
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To: virgil283

All kidding aside, Beria was a monster, he liked snatching young girls and raping them. It was a little easier for Mao, families brought their young girls to him. It just goes to show that in order to keep a tyranny running, you have to hire the most corrupt souls out there. Saddam had son who liked doing the same thing..


9 posted on 11/09/2013 12:16:44 PM PST by cardinal4
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To: LonePalm
. . . the German/Chinese boarder . . .

We had a German/Chinese boarder back in the sixties. Not a very pleasant man, I can tell you.

10 posted on 11/09/2013 12:23:40 PM PST by Misterioso (Thinking is man's only basic virtue, from which all the others proceed. - Ayn Rand)
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To: virgil283

Here is a Soviet joke I have never completely understood:

Stalin calls his foreign minister Molotov into his office and grimly informs him, “Listen, Vyacheslav Ivanovich, something very disturbing has come up. I keep hearing reports that you’re a Jew.”

Molotov breaks into a cold sweat, “B-b-but dear Josef Vissarionovich, you know that’s not true! It can’t possibly be true. You’ve known me for all these years!!”

Stalin puffs on his pipe and pauses ominously; “All the same,” he intones, “you’d better think it over”.


11 posted on 11/09/2013 12:30:17 PM PST by elcid1970 ("In the modern world, Muslims are living fossils.")
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To: Misterioso
Damn medication. I can't type worth a damm < sic > any more.

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)

LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)

12 posted on 11/09/2013 12:39:24 PM PST by LonePalm (Commander and Chef)
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To: virgil283
Pravda - a newspaper in Russia. The word "Pravda" means "truth."

Isvestiya - a newspaper or news agency (not sure) in Russia. "Isvestiya" means "news."

I've heard there is a Russian saying that there's no Pravda in Isvestiya and no Isvestiya in Pravda. :)

Sauron

13 posted on 11/09/2013 12:43:22 PM PST by sauron ("Truth is hate to those who hate Truth" --unknown)
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To: musicman

My mistake. For a minute I thought I saw a different president behind that exploding podium. Well, there was all that applause, so naturally....


14 posted on 11/09/2013 1:05:13 PM PST by lee martell
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To: lee martell

15 posted on 11/09/2013 1:20:45 PM PST by musicman (Until I see the REAL Long Form Vault BC, he's just "PRES__ENT" Obama = Without "ID")
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To: virgil283

Comrade, did you hear that Stalin is cooking breakfast?

Lubyanka, it’s not just for breakfast, anymore.

Thanks, folks, I’ll be hear all week. Try the veal.


16 posted on 11/09/2013 1:22:27 PM PST by VRW Conspirator (Obama is a proven liar, an admitted liar, an unrepentent liar.)
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To: virgil283

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”

We’re answering: “Reorganization.”....In America it seems to be “Reform.” Reformed healthcare, reformed immigration, reformed food standards. Just enforce the PREVIOUS “reforms” and see if that don’t work (for once).


17 posted on 11/09/2013 1:41:48 PM PST by Safetgiver ( Islam makes barbarism look genteel.)
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To: virgil283

Okay, while we’re telling old Soviet jokes, here’s my favorite:

A rumor made the rounds that a shop actually had meat for sale, and a large queue formed outside.

The shopkeepers were dismayed, and came out to announce, “There’s less meat than expected. All the Jews will have to go home.”

The line thins out a bit. After a while, the shopkeeper comes out and announces, “Comrades, I’m very sorry there is even less meat than expected, everyone who is not a Party member will have to go home.”

Again, after a bit of a wait, the shopkeeper comes out, and announces, “I’m very sorry the shipment was short, everyone who is not a veteran of the October Revolution will have to go home.”

Three old Bolsheviks are left and shuffle up to the door. The shopkeeper is appalled. “Comrades, I’m very sorry but there actually isn’t any meat.”

One of the old Bolsheviks turns to the others and says, “What did I tell you? The Jews get the best of everything!”


18 posted on 11/09/2013 1:54:39 PM PST by The_Reader_David (And when they behead your own people in the wars which are to come, then you will know...)
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To: virgil283

These are hilarious. Thank you for posting.
Hopefully, they’ll remain dated instead of needing to be updated.


19 posted on 11/09/2013 2:20:32 PM PST by tbw2
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To: virgil283

The Soviets set up a Playboy Club in Moscow, and the attendance is dismal.

“I can’t understand” says the manager, “We have the finest liquors, the best food, the skimpiest outfits, and all the bunnies have been loyal party members for at least 40 years!”


20 posted on 11/09/2013 2:25:43 PM PST by Tijeras_Slim
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To: Tijeras_Slim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CaMUfxVJVQ


21 posted on 11/09/2013 3:00:09 PM PST by wally_bert (There are no winners in a game of losers. I'm Tommy Joyce, welcome to the Oriental Lounge.)
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To: virgil283

I think it was Yakov Smirnoff who had a routine in which he said that while in Russia, his father bought a car, with a promised delivery on a certain day five years from now. The father asked what time of day it would be delivered. The dealer asked him why that was important. He said that the plumber was also coming that day and he didn’t want a conflict.


22 posted on 11/09/2013 3:28:08 PM PST by Oatka (This is America. Assimilate or evaporate.)
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To: virgil283

HA! It must be old Soviet joke day.

Megan McArdle had one in her column today:

A man stands in line all day for bread, only to have the baker come out and say there is none. He loses it, and begins ranting about the government. Eventually, a man in a trench coat puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Be careful, comrade. You know, in the old days, it would have been …” and he mimes a gun pointed at the head.

The man walks home, dejected. When he walks in the door, his wife takes one look at his face and drops the plate she is holding.

“What’s wrong, Ivan? Were they out of bread?”

“It’s worse than that. They’re out of bullets.”

The title of her piece - Obamacare is running out of bullets.


23 posted on 11/09/2013 5:26:31 PM PST by jocon307
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To: Misterioso

When I was in Uzbekistan a local newspaper advertised a restaurant in Tashkent that featured Chinese & German cuisine.

It was said to be very good except a half hour later you were hungry again - for POWER!

(Got to be a `Hitler reacts’ joke in there somewhere)


24 posted on 11/09/2013 9:52:30 PM PST by elcid1970 ("In the modern world, Muslims are living fossils.")
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