Skip to comments.My Dad (82y/o) is "Too Stubborn", Won't Leave Decrepit Empty Nest!!
Posted on 01/01/2013 9:11:57 PM PST by San Rafael Blue
I'm sure other middle-aged adults are going through similar situations. I live on the west coast, but hail from back east, Michigan, to be precise. I grew up in a huge bricked home with full basement, attic, four bedrooms two bathrooms. I am still very close to my three siblings and to Dad. St. Cecilia, The Catholic grade school we attended is still functioning, and only two blocks from the house. Daddy attends 9am Mass each Sunday. My Mother passed away about 20 years ago.
The 'Problem' is that our sweet old family home is completely falling apart, inside and out. The four of us adult children used to stage emergency intervention meetings with Daddy, trying a little tough love, to convince him that it is way past time to get out, to rent a smaller place. Our Dad deserves so much better, he and our Mom gave us so much. It still hurts to see him so sanguine, so at peace, sitting in that falling-down kind of house.
The Daddy of 1983 would never, never have tolerated, or defended living in such a manner. He is still a wise man, and a deep caring soul, but seems not to notice the condition of his home as it exists today. Oh well. Dad would say, ;Not yet', I have to get the place cleaned up first'. I believe he actually has changed over the years, and now wishes to move out, but it will have to occur on his schedule, not ours. Our approach to this issue has changed since then. Stop fighting him about doing what we four want done, relax and cherish the moments now!
It may have been around four years ago, after the first oily wave of Obamination Fever, we four made a tacit agreement to just stop bringing it up unbidden. We have decided to accept that at this stage in his life, Daddy must make this decision if at all possible.
For a while, I even toyed with the idea of calling the local health /Sanitation Dept. or some organization devoted to Senior Health and Well-being. I was going to report that a most serious injustice is now occuring to a wonderful christian man, and perhaps he should be 'persuaded' by the local authorities to move out. What if he were to return to the house after church one sunday only to find the front door chained and padlocked shut? ''Oh, look what happened!! Wow, now I guess you'll HAVE TO MOVE OUT...right? Then, he would have to, have to move on. I have always been one to overthink a scenario, to become macavaillian (sp). I was quickly talked out of any well meaning sabotage. Might have been too much of a shock, may have been seen as my betrayal. I'm the only one of us four who would even consider something so over the top.
We four have decided to enjoy whatever time we have left with our Dad, without being put on his s%@t list. That man has an elephant's memory. My Dad usd to be an assistant boxing coach at Kronx Boxing near Detroit, and has been a guiding light to hundreds of inner city youth or to their sons. Visiting has become much easier since I come to see and talk to my Dad, not to bloviate, or to stage yet another failed intervention. I will instead offer to put the storm windows up for the oncoming winter. It get's cold this close to Windsor Ontario(Canada). I think one reason Daddy hangs onto that place is because our Mother's loving, laughing spirit is still there, even among the dust and debri.
probably cause he doesn’t live down the street..and most likely too $$$$$$$
You don’t know?
One day, some many years ago, a guy was forced by his memory to command a vast army of warriors into a seemingly endless and unwinnable war.
Those warriors also motivated and controlled by their memories.
FreeRepublic was born.
WE will be the survivors of Fahrenheit 451, quoting and presenting to the historically castrated, the memory of America.
Old men don't wantr to leave their home no matter WHAT it's condition.
Home is where the heart is.
We will not lay on the operating table willingly for open heart surgery just because someone whom claims to be a heart specialist (but has no credentials to show to validate that claim) says it is necessary.
My dad is 93 and refuses to move out of his house and into some senior citizens home. My older brother sees him every day and makes sure my dad’s house is cleaned and he is fed, but at some point my brother says he’ll have to move my father into a home. The old guy is pretty stubborn.
Exactly where in the Detroit area does he live?
I actually fear my mom will want to sell her house. It’s immaculate, but there’s real estate involved and it’s probably more than she will be able to handle.
My Dad wouldn’t leave his home, and wouldn’t let Mom leave, even though she had Alzheimer’s. I provided in-home care with an exorbitant cost and spent my retirement savings and borrowed money.
Near the end, he was falling almost every other day and the caregivers could not pick him up. After one of those falls he went into rehab and I left him in the nursing home. Mom fell for a third time and broke her other hip. (She already broke one hip and cracked a pelvis on two other falls.) So, she went into the same nursing home. They were put in a room together and stayed there for one year and nine months. They both died with 20 days of each other.
I honored my Dad’s wishes until it was physically impossible. He did not see me as putting him in the nursing home either. He wanted to get out of the nursing home and never reallly liked it there. Because Mom was there, however, he tolerated it. All this occurred with me living 400 miles from my parents.
Hey I wear a pair of them myself :>} I’ve got an extra pair I told her she could get set up and use. She can afford new ones too. My real concern is someone walking in on her. GOD help them if she hears them first. She has my shotgun LOL. I call before I get there :>}
My grandparent's home was on the outerbanks of NC and we held it together with shear determination, roof-over jobs and a local fix-it man that could magically cajole the heat pump to kick on each winter. Every storm that hit the east coast scared the heck out of us! We did crazy things like cutting an inch off the bottom of all the beautiful bedroom doors when they began getting jammed shut because the supports under the house moved! We prayed every night that the house would just last as long as my grandparents needed it. It did.
For persons needing some basic help like getting in and out of a wheelchair and need things like meals prepared etc can go into assisted living. The resident has their own apartment or if married some places have larger ones for them. There is more security and the resident are free to come and go as they please. Like anything you get what you pay for. Be leary of ones asking for huge up front membership fees. Many nice places will simply charge by the month.
They have even adapted this concept for Memory Care residents meaning Dementia and Alzheimer's residents and it's done quite well. The difference is the Memory unit is usually secured keypad entry and exit meaning they have to be escorted in and out of the unit with family or worker. My sister resides in a Memory Care unit and really it's nice. These facilities also have a 24 hour on site nurse.
For several years after my husband’s passing I did not want to leave our home either. Then one day I realized that I was too isolated and lonely and that memories did not live inside walls, but were quite portable. I sold the house, had another, more maintainable for me home built and am building a fuller life.
Life really does go on but it is up to us to make it fulfilling by not living in the bygone days, in homes too difficult to keep up or so isolated that we are quite alone the majority of the time.
I hope your father will come to as satisfactory conclusion for himself.
There are 4 of you?
Get together and make sure the repairs are done for your dad.
There are 4 of you?
Get together and make sure the repairs are done for your dad.
So get together with your siblings and hire some contractors. Find out if your Dad can help with the finances. Where is your Dad supposed to go to a government-financed old folks home?
So get together with your siblings and hire some contractors. Find out if your Dad can help with the finances. Where is your Dad supposed to go — to a government-financed old folks home?
Hey, be upset if San Rafael had actually followed thru. He said he was talked out of it, so he has some moral sense after all. I’m “horrified” that you seem to be one of those “thought crimes” people, willing to condemn a person who expresses an honest thought even though there was no real intent on follow thru even if that thought has love and concern attached to it even if the thought was misguided.
Leftists and progressives condemn people for their thoughts, real conservatives look at folks’ actions before making a judgment!
Not quite vanity, my FRiend.
Hearing Aids can cost $8000.00 or more.
I have a slight hearing loss that comes from years as a self-employed musician, ergo NO health insurance of any kind.
After testing my hearing, and telling me the price, The “doctor” told me that since i did not have health insurance nor the means to pay for it, they couldn’t help me. They practically threw me out of the office when they did not see any $$$$.
So I just have to ask me students to speak clearly and distinctly. It is good for them too, as kids mostly mumble these days anyway.
And, BTW, I’m STILL “Jammin”.
His action is that he and his three siblings complain about the conditions in their father’s house while they’re letting it deteriorate around him. Thoughts are not anybody’s business, you’re right, even when the original poster says that it “hurts” to see his father happy and at peace, even when he says he was intending to go through with his plans until he was talked out of it. And now you’re condemning me and my thoughts, so...
The writer and any siblings should combine to make necessary repairs to maintain the home’s value. No need for dad to move out, even if it makes more sense to them for him to do so.
Same thing happened with my grandmother. Widowed, staying in her house, increasingly not capable of really keeping it up, all of her kids begging her to move out. For years. Finally they succeeded in doing so, and within three months she was dead. Let him stay there as long as he wants, focus your energies in helping with repairs, cleaning, etc.
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