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My Dad (82y/o) is "Too Stubborn", Won't Leave Decrepit Empty Nest!!
Jan 1st 2013 | Floyd A. Logan

Posted on 01/01/2013 9:11:57 PM PST by San Rafael Blue

I'm sure other middle-aged adults are going through similar situations. I live on the west coast, but hail from back east, Michigan, to be precise. I grew up in a huge bricked home with full basement, attic, four bedrooms two bathrooms. I am still very close to my three siblings and to Dad. St. Cecilia, The Catholic grade school we attended is still functioning, and only two blocks from the house. Daddy attends 9am Mass each Sunday. My Mother passed away about 20 years ago.

The 'Problem' is that our sweet old family home is completely falling apart, inside and out. The four of us adult children used to stage emergency intervention meetings with Daddy, trying a little tough love, to convince him that it is way past time to get out, to rent a smaller place. Our Dad deserves so much better, he and our Mom gave us so much. It still hurts to see him so sanguine, so at peace, sitting in that falling-down kind of house.

The Daddy of 1983 would never, never have tolerated, or defended living in such a manner. He is still a wise man, and a deep caring soul, but seems not to notice the condition of his home as it exists today. Oh well. Dad would say, ;Not yet', I have to get the place cleaned up first'. I believe he actually has changed over the years, and now wishes to move out, but it will have to occur on his schedule, not ours. Our approach to this issue has changed since then. Stop fighting him about doing what we four want done, relax and cherish the moments now!

It may have been around four years ago, after the first oily wave of Obamination Fever, we four made a tacit agreement to just stop bringing it up unbidden. We have decided to accept that at this stage in his life, Daddy must make this decision if at all possible.

For a while, I even toyed with the idea of calling the local health /Sanitation Dept. or some organization devoted to Senior Health and Well-being. I was going to report that a most serious injustice is now occuring to a wonderful christian man, and perhaps he should be 'persuaded' by the local authorities to move out. What if he were to return to the house after church one sunday only to find the front door chained and padlocked shut? ''Oh, look what happened!! Wow, now I guess you'll HAVE TO MOVE OUT...right? Then, he would have to, have to move on. I have always been one to overthink a scenario, to become macavaillian (sp). I was quickly talked out of any well meaning sabotage. Might have been too much of a shock, may have been seen as my betrayal. I'm the only one of us four who would even consider something so over the top.

We four have decided to enjoy whatever time we have left with our Dad, without being put on his s%@t list. That man has an elephant's memory. My Dad usd to be an assistant boxing coach at Kronx Boxing near Detroit, and has been a guiding light to hundreds of inner city youth or to their sons. Visiting has become much easier since I come to see and talk to my Dad, not to bloviate, or to stage yet another failed intervention. I will instead offer to put the storm windows up for the oncoming winter. It get's cold this close to Windsor Ontario(Canada). I think one reason Daddy hangs onto that place is because our Mother's loving, laughing spirit is still there, even among the dust and debri.


TOPICS: Health/Medicine; Society
KEYWORDS: acceptance; vanity
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1 posted on 01/01/2013 9:12:04 PM PST by San Rafael Blue
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To: San Rafael Blue

I wouldn’t want somebody making me leave my home. He doesn’t either.

My mom is 82 and said for years that she wanted to live in her house until she dies or decides to leave. Fine. And now her house is for sale and she has plans to move on. It was her decision to make.


2 posted on 01/01/2013 9:18:24 PM PST by eartrumpet
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To: San Rafael Blue

Sounds like an excellent decision made by you and your siblings. Now you can visit him in peace. Who knows, without all the wise words coming from yall about why he should move, etc., he may finally decide he’s ready on his own, but if he doesn’t it’s ok. It’s a hard time in our lives when our parents get old.


3 posted on 01/01/2013 9:19:22 PM PST by dandiegirl
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To: San Rafael Blue

At 82 let the man finish out his days as he wishes. Been in the same situation with an elderly parent so I just helped to the extent allowed and enjoyed the time I had with them.


4 posted on 01/01/2013 9:19:56 PM PST by count-your-change (You don't have to be brilliant, not being stupid is enough.)
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To: San Rafael Blue

That is his home. Why don’t you try to help him do the things he’s no longer capable of doing himself?


5 posted on 01/01/2013 9:22:12 PM PST by BykrBayb (Somewhere, my flower is there. ~ Þ)
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To: San Rafael Blue

It’s a tough problem that a lot of us face.

How about you and your siblings going together to pay for the basic repairs that would make the house safe for him to live in. At age 82, he probably wants to stay where he is. Unless the neighborhood itself has became a dangerous place, of course.


6 posted on 01/01/2013 9:22:56 PM PST by basil (Second Amendment Sisters.org)
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To: San Rafael Blue

Experiencing the same thing.

My dad loves his home, even as it decays around him, it holds memories.

I try to think of how I would feel in the same situation.

I would want to stay as long as it didn’t fall on top of me.

Let it be HIS decision and you and your siblings can rest easy.


7 posted on 01/01/2013 9:24:22 PM PST by Mortrey (Impeach President Soros)
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To: San Rafael Blue

As long as he’s functional and capable and reasonably comfortable, it’s best to leave it to him. He’ll leave when he’s ready, if ever.

Just keep your eye out for him failing to be able to care for himself, that’s probably the main issue.


8 posted on 01/01/2013 9:29:48 PM PST by Jonty30 (What Islam and secularism have in common is that they are both death cults.)
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To: Mortrey

my dad is 85 lives alone in his house on the east coast. I live in the heartland. He is still capable and I have no problem with this. What is frustrating is that he refuses to come visit us even when we offer him a door to door escort both ways.( he has no medical issues that would prevent him) Then he complains about being depressed and lonely over the holidays.

I hope my children are patient with me when I’m 85.


9 posted on 01/01/2013 9:33:52 PM PST by longfellowsmuse (last of the living nomads)
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To: Mortrey
Let him live as he wishes, but don't be like a hoarder family that lets their loved ones live without water, heat, or safe passages throughout the house.

Be sure he has a clear way to the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc. so he doesn't trip and God forbid break a hip.

Other than his "surroundings" it sounds like he is happy.

Please just look out for dangers like loose rugs and wires he could stumble over.

10 posted on 01/01/2013 9:34:40 PM PST by boop ("You don't look so bad, here's another")
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To: San Rafael Blue

taking the pressure off him to move could be the very thing that gives him the ability to make the decision on his own. people naturally resist doing stuff when they really don’t want to yet. he could also die tomorrow totally happy in his home, too. and he’d be happy to have done so.


11 posted on 01/01/2013 9:36:44 PM PST by Secret Agent Man (I can neither confirm or deny that; even if I could, I couldn't - it's classified.)
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To: San Rafael Blue

Been there. Your Dad is an adult. This is his decision - no one elses. The best thing you and your siblings could have done would have been to help with the repairs and maintainance.

Glad to hear that you are going to back off and help.


12 posted on 01/01/2013 9:37:25 PM PST by greeneyes (Moderation in defense of your country is NO virtue. Let Freedom Ring.)
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To: San Rafael Blue

The ending was good, and absolutely correct. As long as Dad can still feed himself and handle bathroom business by himself, leave him be. I’m getting up there myself and am starting to think about this stuff.


13 posted on 01/01/2013 9:38:26 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: Mortrey

There’s an old old house that once was a mansion
On a hill overlooking the own
Where time’s left a wreckage where once there was beauty
And soon the old house will tumble down

When the leaves start to fall in the autumn
And the rain starts to drip from the trees
There’s an old, old man who walks in the garden
And his head is bowed in memory.

They say he built the mansion for the love of a woman
And they planned to be married in the fall
But her love withered in the last days of summer
And the house stood empty after all.

But when the leaves start to fall in the autumn
And the rain starts to drip from the trees
There’s an old, old man who walks in the garden
And his head is bowed in memory.

(”The Old Old House” by George Jones & Hal Bynum)


14 posted on 01/01/2013 9:47:50 PM PST by Road Glide
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To: Road Glide

“On a hill overlooking the Town”

(sorry for the typo)


15 posted on 01/01/2013 9:49:25 PM PST by Road Glide
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To: Road Glide

lovely


16 posted on 01/01/2013 9:57:46 PM PST by Ladysforest
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To: San Rafael Blue

I have seen this a thousand times: when well-meaning adult children remove an elderly parent from his or her beloved home against his will, depression follows, and death is on the horizon. Leave him alone. Let him stay in his house, go to Mass, see the people at his church. How does it harm you if he does so? He’s an adult; let him decide how he wishes to conduct his life. You don’t have the legal or moral right to interfere.


17 posted on 01/01/2013 9:58:24 PM PST by ottbmare (The OTTB Mare)
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To: San Rafael Blue

I must add that I’m beyond horrified you would even consider calling the health department as some sort of deception and manipulation to force your father to live the way you want him to live. What has he done to you that you would wish to remove him from the memory of his beloved wife and take from him the home and life he loves? What cruelty!


18 posted on 01/01/2013 10:03:12 PM PST by ottbmare (The OTTB Mare)
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To: San Rafael Blue

Why doesn’t this jackass help his Dad fix up the place his Dad earned?


19 posted on 01/01/2013 10:03:32 PM PST by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: BykrBayb

Right you are.

Would seem the Kids could get together and fix it back up enough to keep him safe.


20 posted on 01/01/2013 10:13:11 PM PST by X-spurt (Republic of Texas, Come and Take It!)
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To: eartrumpet

As long as he is able to care of himself and can make rational decisions let him stay where he is.

When he is no longer able to do that, and is a potential danger to himself, it’s up to the family, and not an outside agency, to put Dad where he will be well taken care of. That would be with a relative or in assisted living.


21 posted on 01/01/2013 10:23:07 PM PST by CaptainK (...please make it stop. Shake a can of pennies at it.)
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To: freekitty
do people realize that the "kid" of an 85 yro is probably in his 60's himself?....

this is the problem....

all well in good to think a 60 yro who probably works full time ( like my husband) and has his own home to keep up (like my husband) and does a little volunteer work ( like my husband) plus tries to keep his own place up (like my husband) can just spare all the time to keep up another household for someone that can't do it himself....

when does my husband get a break may I ask.....he's worked since age 14, raised 3 kids, and is still working, and he's had to "take care of" elderly parents who are too stubborn to see the light of day as far as living arrangements.....living "independently" does not mean needing someone to plow the snow, cut wood, bring it into the house, do house repairs, etc etc....

the middle is being squeezed to death by the younger generation and the oldest one....its a no win situation....

I've already told my husband that we will smell the coffee when the time comes....

22 posted on 01/01/2013 10:31:28 PM PST by cherry
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To: San Rafael Blue
I've been down this road, and the only things I found that seemed to work for everyone in the situation was come to some compromises.

First, was to close off any unneeded areas of the home. Old bedrooms, a second bathroom which was in poor repair. In our case, it was converting a den into a bedroom, and re-adjusting the living room. Unused items were moved to the sealed off areas of the home, heating ducts closed, to reduce the drain on the bills to maintain comfort in areas where no one was staying.

There was a lot of resistance to this, and eventually, it was agreed that those were still the bedrooms of the children, and they could keep their doors locked if they wanted to. The hardest was the garage areas, but by moving unneeded furniture into this area, it effectively ‘closed’ it off.

The second agreement was weekly visits by a housekeeper to handle various chores and one sit down meal. That was less hard - after all, who relishes cleaning toilets? We had contacted my father's church, spoken with the priest, and found an appropriate person that our father knew who would be willing to take on the job.

Honestly, the best solution is that if one of you is in the position to, returning home to live with your father with their family. But that does not sound like a possible solution, as it wasn't in our case either.

By focusing the attention on a smaller living space, we were able to upgrade living conditions, reduce clutter, and add in some safety features - handrails in the shower, non-slip flooring, handrails next to the toilet.

The one ‘sit down’ meal a week required supplies my father wouldn't have on hand, so the housekeeper would handle the weekly shopping, dispose of any outdated food in the fridge, and leave leftovers for a follow on meal.

Between those, myself and my siblings would make calls, kids would talk to grandpa. We used Skype for video calling, though today you can use a very modest tablet which requires virtually no skill for anyone to use.

The extra, constant attention helped draw our father back from the edge, and he took a lot of steps to improve how he lived his life. Eventually he opened up that he resisted visits as he felt like he was a stranger intruding into someone else’s life, whereas the constant communication and interaction from the compromise brought him back into the fold.

Regrettably, my father isn't still with us today, but I hope our experiences will help you. It sounds like you've got a great starting point - his church - to work with. I hope you work out your own compromise and that your family home once again rings regularly with the laughter of family.

23 posted on 01/01/2013 10:34:06 PM PST by kingu (Everything starts with slashing the size and scope of the federal government.)
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To: San Rafael Blue
I understand how you feel about your dad living alone in such conditions. It is a touchy subject. Something similar here. My mother-in-law stayed in her huge home filled with junk in every room. Finally decided to move to an adult apartment when her baby brother moved there. By the way, she was 94 at the time and baby brother was 92. It took a lot of work to clear out her home, and it cost more money to get rid of the stuff than it was worth. I asked her many times to come to live with us, but she refused.

She is now in the adult living apartment, but her baby brother has recently had to go to a nursing home. She refuses to go herself, but really should due to her heart condition, among other things.

By the way, part of the reason she will not go is that she does not want to give up her freedom, which includes driving on a daily basis. She drives to the mall, grocery store, her appointments. One would say God bless her...let her do what she wants. Well, she is 98 now, and cannot hear or see well. She will not wear her glasses. She just drove to the store in a snow storm the other day, against our wishes. She has had fender benders in the past, and it is just a matter of time that she has another accident. I fear for others in her way.

Her 4 children don't have the courage to take the keys away. She has always been the boss, and it would be a fight. She renewed her license in person last year at age 97 as she had to get a new picture. They praised her for being the age she is and did not even test her. They actually encouraged her to drive. We could not believe it as we thought this would be the end when they would deny her a license. There should be a law for mandatory testing at a certain age. I may just write the governor about it.

There is a time for everything, including how long one should be left to live alone, and how long one must be allowed to drive. I pray that when I am older, I will have the wisdom to know when it is time to give up certain things.

24 posted on 01/01/2013 10:47:00 PM PST by Swede Girl
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To: San Rafael Blue
I have an uncle who is in his 80’s and is sharp mentally although walking has become a bit of a problem, but his home is safe and secure. I call him frequently and we have lunch about once a month at his favorite restaurant, as I live about 20 miles away. I am reaching retirement myself and I have kids who wish me to move closer to them, I just can't do it right now as I wish to stay near my uncle and watch over him. We have jokingly talked of him moving too, but he is wise enough to know the trip would be too hard in many ways. We visit, remember old times, reminisce over family stories and keep up with is happening in our fast changing world. So I monitor and care for the brother of my mother. This is what families do. This gentleman is a link to my own youth and happy memories as a child. And when we do get together to visit, I dress up to go to lunch. It reminds us both of a world we once knew and remember fondly. Is it sentimental, yes, I guess it is, but it brings happiness to him and me.
25 posted on 01/01/2013 10:54:18 PM PST by Conservative4Ever (I'm going Galt)
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To: San Rafael Blue
hail from back east, Michigan, to be precise...

Michigan's back east? Who knew. ahahah

(My dad is buried there)

26 posted on 01/01/2013 11:00:17 PM PST by maine-iac7 (Christian is as Christian does - by their fruits)
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To: San Rafael Blue

We had the same problem different parish: Saint Ambrose.

My sister an RN decided to move in with him. He gets testy but its working out.


27 posted on 01/01/2013 11:29:13 PM PST by Mikey_1962 (Obama: The Affirmative Action President.)
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To: cherry

You honor your elders. Most likely they made sacrifices for you.


28 posted on 01/01/2013 11:38:11 PM PST by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: cherry

You might ask your parents the same thing. When did they get a break? It’s not the parents nor the children that are the problem. It’s there is no family anymore. Family takes care of each other.


29 posted on 01/01/2013 11:44:15 PM PST by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: San Rafael Blue
It still hurts to see him so sanguine, so at peace, sitting in that falling-down kind of house...

Leave Dad ALONE. He is at peace and happy and, as you noted later, is with the memories of the woman he loved. He likes where he is. Why should he move because you and your siblings are upset.

30 posted on 01/02/2013 12:16:00 AM PST by Jemian
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To: San Rafael Blue

If he doesn’t have proper plumbing or heating you need to get the repairs done to care for him properly. You need to make sure he is living in a decent environment. If its clutter, why not help him on a very small scale. Maybe he’d accept an afternoon of gathering up the bowling trophies, or organizing the kitchen. Then wait a while before suggesting the next declutter project.

Keep him in charge of his life as long as he can manage, but yes, you can make sure the basic needs of shelter are met.

Going through this now with a dad with Alzheimer’s and a mom who is insisting on no help. Big sigh. It’s hard. Ironically, her reasons for being so stubborn when everyone knows she can’t do this alone are always to not be a burden on her kids. But this is causing her to be a heavy burden on us! I hope I am far easier on my kids and will accept at least minimum help to let them not worry as much.


31 posted on 01/02/2013 12:44:26 AM PST by Yaelle
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To: freekitty
You might ask your parents the same thing. When did they get a break? It’s not the parents nor the children that are the problem. It’s there is no family anymore. Family takes care of each other.

Very true. My dad worked 13 days straight many times up to 12 hour days yet he and one of my uncles kept Grandma's {my Mom's mom} house needed repairs done between the two of them. Both Mom and dad have been there for me through thick and thin. I owe both plenty in many ways.

Dad passed a little over a year ago. One thing he asked of me really the only thing as he knew his time was at hand was to take care of my mom. Mom is 81. I'm not in the best of physical health I'm actually disabled. Ladders are off limits by doctors orders. But I do all I can do to help her. My son in law who can climb ladders helps as does our grandson now in his early teens. They do the roof cleaning etc on her place and mine.

I understand what a full plate is. Mine stays that way. I also understand priorities. I understand the frustration of not being able to keep the house up too the standards some would wish or expect. I understand a person lacking the energy to do so. I'm the cook, housekeeper, driver, nurse, you name in our home.

When dads last weeks were upon him Mom, myself, and my niece, took care of him till his death. A considerable portion I dealt with because I'm a trained caregiver. In the meantime I was also caring for my wife which I've done for 27 years. Then my niece and myself were also taking care of my sister {nieces Mom} who for her safety is in a Memory Care Unit after her husband died suddenly.

My house was last painted outside about 8 years ago. The decks need pressure washed, the driveway needs grading, and repairs need done. Two days ago I finally managed to get the boat dad left me covered for winter which I had been putting off for two months due to other priorities I never took it out this year.

Dad used to jokingly tell me "you do real good for an 80 year old man" LOL. Mom lives down the road in a two story house. Right after Christmas she told me this was her last year hosting Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner which I said I think you made a wise decision. Oh, we had been wanting her to slow down and let us take over but she wouldn't have it. It was her domain and she enjoyed it.

Last summer Mom wanted the carpeting ripped up so I said OK I'll do it. I got three rooms done and she said lets wait till I get new windows put in and I'll have new carpet put in. The floor underneath the carpet was tongue and groove and looked fine so I said OK. The windows are in {professionally installed} no mention of carpeting so far.

I suspect when Mom can't do for herself any longer and needs someone with her we'll be moving in with her for duration. My wife and I discussed it and are OK with it. Or if she wishes she can live with us we have an extra bedroom. Either way she will be taken care of as long as I have the mental and physical ability to do so. The only thing I can't talk her into is getting Hearing Aids :>{

Right now are grandkids are from ages 10-20. I'll be watching them and the one who acts responsible will be given a place to build on so they can help me maintain the place. I do have about 30 acres of land.

32 posted on 01/02/2013 12:45:32 AM PST by cva66snipe (Two Choices left for U.S. One Nation Under GOD or One Nation Under Judgment? Which one say ye?)
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To: San Rafael Blue

My GMIL lives in a 60’s mobile home that is behind hope. We’ve tried to get her to move out.. The park called me the other day to warn us that the home is way past its replacement date and they have been letting that slide for 15 years but now people are starting to complain.

It’s likely the ONLY way we’ll get her out of that house.

now the fight is, do we replace it or move her some place else.

For now, I’ll let her fight with park management.

My MIL lives in a shack in the mountains. We visited her once. We slept in the car. The shack was on stilts and very unstable. No plumbing, no electricity.

She lives there with her husband. They love the place.

We tried to talk her out of it.

Failed.

Oh well. Both are happy in their current situations. We pray every day that their housing continues to stand and provide the needed shelter.

So far, our prayers have been answered.


33 posted on 01/02/2013 1:01:08 AM PST by cableguymn (The founding fathers would be shooting by now..)
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To: cva66snipe

You are a very good man.


34 posted on 01/02/2013 1:02:35 AM PST by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: cva66snipe

My grandmother had a stroke when I was seven. My grandfather never put her in a nursing home. He had nurses to help when needed and my mother and aunt were there every day helping out. I remember she could only move her eyes; but he would hold her hand everyday and sit by her. He was also in a wheelchair after suffering a broken hip slipping on ice; but she was the most important person to him.


35 posted on 01/02/2013 1:06:20 AM PST by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: freekitty

I used to work in nursing homes as a maintenance mechanic. Co-workers taught me my nursing skills before my wife came home from a six month hospital stay in 1985. I worked up till 1994. Latest thing to hit is she was diagnosed a couple months ago with Thyroid Cancer. The thyroid is out now and radioactive iodine treatment comes this month sometime. Doctor said that should cure it.


36 posted on 01/02/2013 1:40:30 AM PST by cva66snipe (Two Choices left for U.S. One Nation Under GOD or One Nation Under Judgment? Which one say ye?)
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To: cva66snipe

‘The only thing I can’t talk her into is getting Hearing Aids.’

What is it about folks who could use hearing aids??
That’s a particular sort of vanity I’m not understanding - don’t know what it is.
Especially with the devices today, if that’s the problem - seeing the device which means knowing one is hard of hearing.
Like who didn’t know, when one has to talk extra loud around these people!

Personally, I wouldn’t want to miss hearing anything, esp music, so will gladly buy a device, if/when it becomes necessary.
Couldn’t be simpler, seems to me.


37 posted on 01/02/2013 2:01:21 AM PST by USARightSide (S U P P O R T I N G OUR T R O O P S)
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To: USARightSide; cva66snipe

Need to fix- - -
‘Especially with the devices today, if that’s the problem - seeing the device knowing one is hard of hearing.’

Meant the devices today are less visible.
And the possible problem with vanity was when the devices were more visible.


38 posted on 01/02/2013 2:09:26 AM PST by USARightSide (S U P P O R T I N G OUR T R O O P S)
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To: cva66snipe

Prayers for you both.


39 posted on 01/02/2013 2:20:07 AM PST by freekitty (Give me back my conservative vote; then find me a real conservative to vote for)
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To: Road Glide

I know him


40 posted on 01/02/2013 2:40:55 AM PST by CGASMIA68
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To: X-spurt

probably cause he doesn’t live down the street..and most likely too $$$$$$$
You don’t know?


41 posted on 01/02/2013 2:42:52 AM PST by CGASMIA68
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To: San Rafael Blue
The memory is perhaps second only to the heart in constant, powerful activity.

One day, some many years ago, a guy was forced by his memory to command a vast army of warriors into a seemingly endless and unwinnable war.

Those warriors also motivated and controlled by their memories.

FreeRepublic was born.

WE will be the survivors of Fahrenheit 451, quoting and presenting to the historically castrated, the memory of America.


Old men don't wantr to leave their home no matter WHAT it's condition.

Home is where the heart is.

We will not lay on the operating table willingly for open heart surgery just because someone whom claims to be a heart specialist (but has no credentials to show to validate that claim) says it is necessary.



42 posted on 01/02/2013 3:05:48 AM PST by knarf (I say things that are true ... I have no proof ... but they're true)
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To: San Rafael Blue

My dad is 93 and refuses to move out of his house and into some senior citizens home. My older brother sees him every day and makes sure my dad’s house is cleaned and he is fed, but at some point my brother says he’ll have to move my father into a home. The old guy is pretty stubborn.


43 posted on 01/02/2013 3:11:24 AM PST by driftless2
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To: San Rafael Blue

Exactly where in the Detroit area does he live?


44 posted on 01/02/2013 3:17:55 AM PST by Hot Tabasco (Jab her with a harpoon.....)
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To: San Rafael Blue

I actually fear my mom will want to sell her house. It’s immaculate, but there’s real estate involved and it’s probably more than she will be able to handle.


45 posted on 01/02/2013 3:21:13 AM PST by MachIV
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To: San Rafael Blue

My Dad wouldn’t leave his home, and wouldn’t let Mom leave, even though she had Alzheimer’s. I provided in-home care with an exorbitant cost and spent my retirement savings and borrowed money.

Near the end, he was falling almost every other day and the caregivers could not pick him up. After one of those falls he went into rehab and I left him in the nursing home. Mom fell for a third time and broke her other hip. (She already broke one hip and cracked a pelvis on two other falls.) So, she went into the same nursing home. They were put in a room together and stayed there for one year and nine months. They both died with 20 days of each other.

I honored my Dad’s wishes until it was physically impossible. He did not see me as putting him in the nursing home either. He wanted to get out of the nursing home and never reallly liked it there. Because Mom was there, however, he tolerated it. All this occurred with me living 400 miles from my parents.


46 posted on 01/02/2013 3:32:44 AM PST by WashingtonSource
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To: USARightSide

Hey I wear a pair of them myself :>} I’ve got an extra pair I told her she could get set up and use. She can afford new ones too. My real concern is someone walking in on her. GOD help them if she hears them first. She has my shotgun LOL. I call before I get there :>}


47 posted on 01/02/2013 3:43:00 AM PST by cva66snipe (Two Choices left for U.S. One Nation Under GOD or One Nation Under Judgment? Which one say ye?)
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To: freekitty

Thanks


48 posted on 01/02/2013 3:50:04 AM PST by cva66snipe (Two Choices left for U.S. One Nation Under GOD or One Nation Under Judgment? Which one say ye?)
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To: freekitty
Seriously!

My grandparent's home was on the outerbanks of NC and we held it together with shear determination, roof-over jobs and a local fix-it man that could magically cajole the heat pump to kick on each winter. Every storm that hit the east coast scared the heck out of us! We did crazy things like cutting an inch off the bottom of all the beautiful bedroom doors when they began getting jammed shut because the supports under the house moved! We prayed every night that the house would just last as long as my grandparents needed it. It did.

49 posted on 01/02/2013 3:53:03 AM PST by Casie (Chuck Norris 2016)
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To: cva66snipe
There is one thing worthy of mentioning. Many of us know about nursing homes. Up until about 10-15 years ago that was the only choice if family could not care for someone. Thankfully that has changed.

For persons needing some basic help like getting in and out of a wheelchair and need things like meals prepared etc can go into assisted living. The resident has their own apartment or if married some places have larger ones for them. There is more security and the resident are free to come and go as they please. Like anything you get what you pay for. Be leary of ones asking for huge up front membership fees. Many nice places will simply charge by the month.

They have even adapted this concept for Memory Care residents meaning Dementia and Alzheimer's residents and it's done quite well. The difference is the Memory unit is usually secured keypad entry and exit meaning they have to be escorted in and out of the unit with family or worker. My sister resides in a Memory Care unit and really it's nice. These facilities also have a 24 hour on site nurse.

50 posted on 01/02/2013 4:03:30 AM PST by cva66snipe (Two Choices left for U.S. One Nation Under GOD or One Nation Under Judgment? Which one say ye?)
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