NY Solution to Hand Sanitizer Shortage Inspires Sanders [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 March 2020 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Fear of the coronavirus has led to a run on hand sanitizer supplies leaving store shelves empty of the product. In New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) announced that inmates in the state's prisons are now producing hand sanitizer at a cost of only $6.10 per gallon.

Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt) hailed this as "a model for how we take profiteering out of the process of meeting the needs of the people. Instead of allowing billionaires to rip off their customers we'll put them to work while they are behind bars. We'll convert them from being capitalist exploiters into honest laborers for the common good."

A second aspect of the hand sanitizer solution that Sanders found admirable is that "the product won't be sold in the markets, but will be distributed on the basis of need. Rather than having a corporate board of directors setting prices based on what the market will bear, government officials will be determining who are the most deserving recipients. This ensures that social justice will triumph over selfishness."

"We are fortunate that a disease pandemic has had the 'silver lining' of illustrating how true socialism can work miracles for the benefit of humanity," the Senator observed. "Where the market has failed, the State of New York has pioneered a remedy. Using prisoners keeps costs low. Since the state provides their room-and-board for free, they're satisfied to work for only 65 cents per hour. We are slowly relearning the truths demonstrated in the Soviet Gulags where social and political misfits were put to work for the common good. If we can overcome our ill-placed squeamishness, we can also harness these techniques for transforming our country."

In related news, Sanders has vowed to give a nonstop speech to America for the duration of the coronavirus pandemic. He modestly explained that "it's the least I can do in this time of crisis. I have no medical skills or knowledge to contribute, but I do have the stamina to try to entertain those self-quarantined at home. There are many stories of heroic socialists—like Lenin who executed the Tsar and his family, Stalin who executed the counterrevolutionaries, and Fidel who executed the capitalist parasites—that I can tell to help boost everyone's spirits."

if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=394999.0