Posted on 01/16/2016 11:13:45 AM PST by TNoldman
I am seeking guidance on a personal issue related to a Family Will that my wife and I are about to prepare.
We have been married for 28 years and we are 79 and 81 YO. My wife has a Daughter and a Son by a previous marriage and I have 4 Sons by a previous marriage.
Just last week we Honored the passing of my Wife's Son of 56.
Now we need to revise our Wills to reflect this loss and perhaps some other changes.
THE SIGNIFICANT ISSUE is how we handle the division of our Assets after we both pass. One of my Son's has chosen to disassociate himself from all Family members. I have not had contact with him in 29 years. (He was 20 YO when his Mother and I Divorced).
In the past we have had Wills that divided our Assets equally among our 6 children. We plan to give the portion that would have gone to our Son that just passed to his 3 children. Our dilemma is how to deal with the one Son who has chosen to exclude us from his life.
Do we exclude him totally, give him a token amount or treat him to an equal share?
Please feel free to comment with regard to all aspects of emotions, such as : Forgiveness, Punishment, Fairness and etc.
I am not a lawyer. Consult an attorney that specializes in estate planning. He/she can give you the professional advice you need. Best of luck.
A friend of my wife divorced her husband. He is a cheating scumbag, but crafty with money and lawyers. Over several years, she has burned through more than a half million dollars in legal fees and the divorce STILL isn’t final. Not pretty, indeed. You want things rock solid and tidy after you are gone.
Of course the best advice is what the lawyer says. However one consideration for the estranged son is to just pass over him with his share and give that share give to his kids. But then if he has no children or they are raised to hate you, it’s yet another mess.
Disownership and sibling rivalries run up, down and sideways throughout the generations in my family. I’ve had to deal with it since my earliest memories. It’s not fun. I genuinely know your pain.
There are two occasions in my family where the estranged ones get friendly when the elders get close to their end. It’s so obvious they are sucking up just to get their cut. It’s just sickening. My sisters daughter is one of them, sis is just going to surprise daughter, skip over her, and give direct to the grand kids.
That’s extremely sound advice.
Spend everything and enjoy life. You already raised the kids..... let them make their own way. :)
You are correct. Thank you.
I’m not seeking Legal advise.
see that..good luck with you tormented heart.Maybe you need a priest.
It's kind of presumptuous that anyone but the estranged son is carrying on any *hatred*.
Why is it that when someone doesn't bend over backwards to accommodate the person who is wronging them, it's called hatred.
The son chose to leave, and apparently leave it all.
HIS choice. I don't know that anyone owes him anything for having the same DNA as the rest of the siblings.
I understand the dilemma as he IS the son, but again, the choice is him.
It's interesting because nobody has any problem with including non-family members in a share of the estate along with the family, but suddenly when, for a very good reason, someone considers not including a family member in the will, they are the bad guy.
Where did we get this notion that we owe someone anything no matter how they treat others or what they do?
Another option is to start distributing the estate now.
You are allowed to give to any individual as a gift tax free $14,000 per year.
Both you and your wife can both give a gift of that amount to each person you wish, making it $28,000 per year per individual.
We are dealing with settling my m-i-l’s estate and that issue about gifting came up.
I don’t know if states have any say in it, but that’s what’s allowed at the federal level as far as I recall.
That way, even if the remaining estate is contested by the estranged son, there won’t be as much of it and the ones who you want to have the money will get whatever they can before you pass.
Ping.
Per capita - all descendants on either side get equal amounts. Thus, each child/grandchild on either side would get the same amount.
Per stirpes - each branch of the family gets an equal amount. Thus your kids would get half of the total, and her kids would get half of the total. Your wife’s daughter would get half of her share, and her son’s children would together get half of her share (divided equally among the son’s children).
Individual decisions - anything goes. If a child has divided himself from the family, you do whatever you think is best. This may mean leaving him nothing, a token amount, a partial share, or a full share (either per capita or per stirpes). If you take this path, the question should be what would be best for him (including giving him the nudge to learn from his mistakes) and for his relationship with the rest of the family, if that is salvageable. Keep in mind that wills are individual. If you die first, your wife can them change her will and leave whatever she controls to anyone she wants, and similarly if you die first.
There is probably no unique right decision on your son. To a large extent it depends on how the money would affect hiss life (and money is often a negative). To a large extent it depends on how it would affect family relationships (and that is likely to be a problem, no matter what you choose).
Talk with a professional attorney in estate law, and perhaps with your clergyman. They will know far more than anyone on FR, including hopefully knowing either you or your son, or both.
“I am dumfounded by the number of people that come to a political web sight and ask strangers for advise on financial,personal and legal matters.”
I have been a member of FR for several years. I find that generally FReepers are good and intelligent people. I don’t have problem reviewing comments and use that to get me up to speed on a new area.
I will get Professional help and appreciate the time and thoughts presented here. Thank you FR friends.
The legal issue of writing the will is easy once you settle the personal/emotional issue of how you feel in your heart about the son and how you want to be remembered by him.....
All will work out and you’ll be fine I am sure
If the estranged son has kids skip over him and leave to his kids. If he has no kids just leave him out. Easy decision.
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