Posted on 06/26/2015 8:46:39 AM PDT by ken5050
Well, let's face it..it's been a really shitty week...These two SCOTUS decisions just plain suck!!! I can't recall feeling this lousy about the state of our nation since the 1964 election, when Goldwater got shellacked. However, laughter is said to be the best medicine for whatever ails you; so, with that in mind, forget the Court decisions for one day, and post a joke...hopefully a really funny one..to take your mind off, well...everything....
A ventriloquist cowboy walked up to a rancher’s house and found him sitting on his porch with his dog. He decided to play a little joke on the man:
Cowboy: Good morning, sir - that’s a fine looking dog, mind if I have a word with him?
Rancher: You must be crazy, mister, that dog don’t talk!
Cowboy: Hey, dog, how’s it going?
Dog: I’m doing alright
Rancher (looking completely shocked): Well, I’ll be dipped in…
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How’s he treating you?
Dog: Great! He walks me twice a day, feeds me well, and we go to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher (with a look of disbelief): I… I... I don’t… I… I never KNEW!
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Come on, now. I mean, the dog, maybe, but everyone knows horses don’t talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how’s it going?
Horse: Not bad at all, stranger.
Rancher (with an even wilder look of shock): This is… I never heard of such thing!
Cowboy (pointing at rancher): Is this man your owner?
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: So, how’s he treating you?
Horse: Pretty good - he brushes me down after every ride, and I stay in the barn when it rains.
Rancher: (total look of amazement): I just never woulda figured it…
Cowboy: So, uh, do you mind if I ask your sheep a few questions?
Rancher: (becoming VERY agitated): Well, now, don’t you be listenin’ to them sheep! They ain’t nothin but a bunch of LIARS!!!
A young lawyer from New York City was visiting some of his friends in rural Tennessee. They decided to go duck hunting on some public land. Early in the hunt, the lawyer hit a duck on the wing. The duck landed some ways from where the group was hunting in a field which was enclosed within a fence.
The lawyer told his buddies that he was going to retrieve his duck and proceeded to climb over the fence into the field. About that time an old farmer pulled up on his tractor. He looked at the young man and asked him why he was trespassing on private property. The lawyer promptly replied that he was getting a duck that he shot from the adjacent public land. The farmer told the lawyer that nobody would do any such thing without permission from him, the landowner.
The lawyer curtly informed the farmer if he was not immediately permitted to retrieve his duck, which was hunted and shot legally from adjacent public land, that he would sue the farmer for every thing he owned. The farmer said, “Well, lawsuits are fine, but here in Tennessee we go by what we call the ‘3 kick law’.” The lawyer looked puzzled and asked, “so what is the ‘3 kick law’ anyway?”
The farmer replied, “well under the ‘3 kick law’, the ‘defendant’ and the ‘plaintiff’ will alternately exchange 3 kicks. First, the defendant kicks the plaintiff 3 times, then the plaintiff kicks the defendant 3 times, and so on. At any point in the contest, one party can give up, and the other party will be declared the winner. I’m up for it if you are, and I’m even okay with your friends, here being the judges”.
At this point, the young lawyer really looked at the farmer for the first time, noticing how old, skinny and weak he appeared. He thought to himself, “I KNOW I can take this old coot.”. He said, “you’re on, old man, commence your kicking!’”.
The farmer hauled off and kicked the lawyer in the shin with his steel toed boot. Then he kicked him in the stomach; and then, as the lawyer collapsed to the ground, the farmer kicked him in the side of the head. The stunned lawyer slowly got up off the ground, swaying woozily. After a few seconds, he shook his head back-and-forth a few times to clear the cobwebs and said, “Okay old man, now it’s MY turn”
The farmer shook his head as he walked back to his tractor, smiled as he climbed aboard, and he said, “Oh no, that’s okay, I give up. You win. You can get your duck”.
Well, there’s a thread asking what dirty trick will Hillary pull on Bernie Sanders, and I thought she might offer Bernie to meet her in the Senate cloakroom for a ‘handy’ but when Bernie breathlessly arrives the only person present is Barney Frank in a fright wig!
Russel
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Screwed (or Bob)
What time does the Chinese guy go to the dentist?
2:30.
What time does the Chinese guy's brother go to the dentist?
2:32.
Patty.
Funny. My niece’s Portugese father-in-law tells these jokes all the time and she gets all bent out of shape.
Knock,knock!
Who’s there?
Death
Death wh.......
HA! Love it.
The next day, TWO pirate ships, one on each side, attacks the captain's ship. Captain says, 'First mate, bring me my red shirt!' First mate brings him the red shirt, he puts it on, they fight off the two pirate ships and defeat them. Later, the crew asks, 'Captain, why did you want your red shirt?' Captain says, 'That way, if I was cut or injured in the fighting, you wouldn't be able to see the blood, and you would have courage to fight and defeat the pirates.' Crew says, 'wow, our captain sure is smart.'
The next day, TEN PIRATE SHIPS attack the ship captain's ship from every direction. Captain says, 'First mate, bring me my brown pants!'
My mother would often come back from the golf course with doozies.
One day she asked me “Have you ever smelled moth balls?”
“Yes, sure I have”
“How did you get their little legs apart?”
Pete.
Actually,I prefer bum to quim!
An accountant, a lawyer, and an engineer are debating the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The accountant says it's better to have a wife. The arrangement is dependable. It's stable and predictable.You can count on it.
The lawyer says it's better to have a mistress. It's exotic. It's exciting. And if you don't like it, you just walk out.
The engineer says, you guys don't understand the situation. You need both a wife and a mistress. You can let your wife think you're with your mistress, and let your mistress think you're with your wife. Then you can sneak off and get some work done.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.
A. There's a clock on the stove
one of those jokes that hit me at just the right time.
OMG that's funny!! &^)
LOL!!!!!
Good. We could all use it today. BTW, my wife generally rolls her eyes so hard I hear it when I tell these. lol. She knows better. :)
The mathematician busts out his calculator, punches a few figures in and answers, "4"!
The engineer busts out his compass, protractor, and paper, draws a few things and answers, "4"!
The accountant quietly gets up, walks over to the door and closes it, returns to his seat and answers, "What do you need it to be?"
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