Agreed. Here's a true story to back it up.
My brother . . . married for 20 years, two daughters . . . announced to the family in August of 2002 that he is gay and getting a divorce. He didn't just call everyone and tell them, he made a bus tour out of it and traveled from town to town to tell each family member in person.
I wasn't shocked, or even surprised since I'd predicted such was the case ten years earlier because of the marital "habits" of him and his wife and a hit-and-run accident that didn't make sense, BUT OTHER MEMBERS WERE SHOCKED AND OUTRAGED. Hell, they said, he was with the (Professional sports team) for twenty years! How in the hell can he . . . Did he . . . Did the players know . . . Why would . . . The questions were many, the answers few.
I'll skip the details and get back on point . . . Why did he tell us now? After 50 years, according to him, of knowing he was gay? Why now?
My brother was the victim of a hit-and-run accident a few years ago that just never quite made sense to me. He's outgoing and definitely not shy about giving his opinion on ANYTHING, yet this story was hush-hush and never to be discussed. My brother was seriously injured at the time . . . why wasn't he pissed off and raising hell? It just never made sense to me so one time while I was on a business trip to the city he lives in I decided to check into it. All I had to do was go to the address where the "assault" took place. Gay and lesbian bars were the predominant businesses for two blocks in any direction.
I could reenact the events as though I'd been there . . . The teenaged driver and a few tough friends decided to bash some queers. My brother was the bashee.
By the way . . . the teenaged driver's parents came up with a big, big cash settlement. The driver, however, was never charged with a crime. My brother refused to press charges at the time.
Remember, I'm the only one in the family that definitely knows all this . . . but I'm guessing my brother's wife put two and two together as I had and that explained the divorce.
I know this is along and I apologize but I think it's important for others to know that militant gays affect their families' lives too.
Okay, remember the timeline? My brother took his grandiose tour in August of 2002 announcing to the world and the family that he was gay. He was defiant and defensive and spoiling for a fight. I was the only one to give him one but I'll explain later why I did.
My father died May 28, 2003. He'd been in relatively good health in August of 2002. Is there a connection? We'll never know. But we do know it didn't help. My father was a World War II veteran, a Texas rancher from a ranching family, a man's man -- lean, mean, and way too damn proud for his own good.
My brother used to dominate all the family discussions. Hell, he'd been involved with professional sports and this association enlightened all our lives because we'd gotten to mingle with the folks similarly involved. I'm still on a first name basis with some sports icons . . . how could we not talk about such things?
After August of 2002 my father never talked about my brother again. Never. He didn't raise hell to my brother when he made his tour, he never spoke ill of my brother to anyone, he just never spoke of him again. Never.
My brother's wife -- soon to be ex-wife -- and I have always been close. At my father's funeral I learned from her that my brother had joined a "radical" gay rights group in May of 2002. I also learned I was wrong about how she learned he was gay . . . she's an airline attendant and was gone when the assault occurred and the address of the hit-and-run had never come up. She was just as shocked as everyone else by his admission.
I exploded. I cornered my brother where we could be alone. I suddenly realized I didn't know this man. He rattled off the gay "talking points" as though he'd been indoctrinated in North Korea. He was the victim . . . Being gay was normal . . . The Bible doesn't condemn homosexuality . . . Gays were being oppressed just like the slaves were in the 1800's . . . He didn't give a shit what either I or anyone else in the family thought . . . He was sick of having to hide it and he would spend the rest of his life fighting for equal rights.
Right before I broke his nose, I said, "Great, you've already spent the rest of Dad's life. Feel better now? I don't care whether you're gay or a devil worshipper but Dad didn't know about it for fifty-three years, why did you have to come out of the closet now? Why are your rights of self-expression more important than his rights of ignorant bliss? You knew how he would take it. Why tell him now?"
I'm not proud of it, and I'm damn sure poorer for it, but I couldn't take his smugness so I hit him.
He never did get it. He still doesn't.
He's the oppressed. Their rights trump all others.
I've lost a father. I've lost a brother.
I hope it's worth it to him. I'd never been pro-gay or anti-gay before. As you said, conservo, I didn't care one way or the other. It didn't affect me.
But it's intruded into my life now. I don't appreciate anyone who gets in my face about anything . . . brother or stranger . . . queer or straight.
Being "gay" is what used to be called "sin", before the word sin became verboten. Sinful behaviors are nothing new in families. Those closest to us seem to have this wonderful ability to hurt us the most.
There are lots of behaviors that people do that are wrong: alcoholism, liars, cheating, infidelity, etc. In my family, we have had our share of the above, plus lovely things like siblings that have stolen money from others and called it "an early inheritance." Whatever.
Hang in there. You are not alone in having a family member who has hurt you or others in the family. Your brother chose to make his problems and sins a little "gift" to the family, rather than by wallowing in his own waste and filth. That makes it even worse. I don't have magic words, but pick up where you can and live your own life as best as you can. Forgive when feel you can, but he has made his choice. Unless he repents of what he has done, he has not earned your forgiveness. If you feel you can forgive him, that is up to you.
Many people have this false notion that God is always forgiving, no matter what they do. Some people treat forgiveness like a carte blanche "get out of jail free" card that entitles them to hurt themselves and others. True forgiveness only comes when sorrow and regret are shown first. God is not always forgiving, especially to the unrepentent. Perhaps your brother will turn around.
But that is his choice to make, you cannot make it for him.
Take care.