He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

[Mister Magoo]

He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

June 15, 2003

BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.

On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.

Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.

"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."

Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.

"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.

Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.

"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.

"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."

In the abstinence world, a date is a date.

"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."

But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.

""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.

On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.

"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."

Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.

"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."

As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.

For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.

[TheSpottedOwl]

No passes made, no words of love, no promises for the future, and I'd start to wonder if maybe I'd found that rare man that doesn't want it AT ALL, even after marriage.

That is a good point right there. God made sex fun for a purpose. It's one thing to choose not to have men running in and out of your house in front of the kids, but not to want it at all doesn't compute.

[maui_hawaii]

Celebate is better than divorce and/or child support payments for the rest of your life, regardless of age. An hour of "fun" and a lifetime of trouble. Sounds like a bad trade.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

Okay, they weren't a match made in heaven. But, to help her self-esteem, you say he should have slept with her, indiscriminately, for six months, then dumped her when he decided he didn't want to marry her. And that would have helped her self-image, how?

[avenir]

I basically said the same thing, but you said it so much better! LOL!

[Age of Reason]

Celebate? What a weird attitude for a man.

[Age of Reason]

OK, I'm a guy. That I can't even spell "celibate" proves it.

[CyberAnt]

No it isn't! That's where the myth comes into play. My dad was not married until he was 32. I have no idea if he was celibate or not - but he was OVER 30 before he married.

God gave us the equipment - however, the old addage, "use it or lose it" - is the biggest lie. You are male or female, and you don't have to be messing with everybody in town to prove that's who or what you are.

[Dr. Frank fan]

Would women a hundred years ago tolerated this?

I don't know. I suspect many women a hundred years ago would have expected it.

All except for one difference, which is that a hundred years ago few man would wait till age 33+ to get married in the first place ;-)

[Pan_Yans Wife]

God only sanctions sex within the marriage.

[stands2reason]

Celibacy Homosexuality is nature's way of saying your genes aren't fit to produce the next generation.

[Dr. Frank fan]

If he doesn't at least ACT like he's dying to have sex with her one day, how is the woman to know he isn't just looking for a mommy instead of a real wife?

LOL. You make some great points.

[Age of Reason]

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

Correct--but only for a girl.

[Americalover]

""I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

This guy is some kind of nut. He doesn't want to have sex with the women who want sex before marriage and he doesn't want the marry the women who agree to abstain. If he hasn't found someone by 33 there is certainly something else going on and it isn't to be admired.

[CIBvet]

I told my friends wife just the other day, that although I didn't have the where-with-all to hold my own marriage together, I feel Blessed to be able to stand on the sidelines and watch, and cheer their family on. They're doing it right.

[najida]

One thing to be celibate and activily looking for a life-mate. That is admirable, because you are
a. Seriously looking (and in the meantime developing a grip that can powder granite).
b. Fighting biology (sex being one of God's great gifts and a fun part of being human.)

In ten years, he shoulda found someone if he was serious about looking. It sounds like he really isn't that concerned about getting married, judging from the poor girl he dated for six months. My guess is he is getting off on the power trip of being the one to say no.

He may also be very asexual...like a chick I heard on AM talk radio the other night. They were discussing teen sexuality, she stated how she couldn't understand the rush to have sex, since she didn't think it was so great to begin with. Causing the male commentator to sputter and say "My condolences to your ex-husband."

[HitmanLV]

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

I gotta remember this line.... ;-)

[HitmanLV]

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

I gotta remember this line.... ;-)

[TheSpottedOwl]

>>That's silly. There is a difference in risk between sleeping with every crackwhore to come down the pyke, and sleeping with a steady girlfriend who you know well.<<

Not morally, there isn't. She's just an unpaid prostitute.

I have to disagree with that statement. I don't plan on getting remarried, in fact men my age are looking to settle down and have children. I'm not having more children, so I don't date. It would be wrong to date a man who expects to marry and have children when you don't have the same intentions. However should I find a nice man around my age, of course I would sleep with him and I wouldn't consider myself engaging in unpaid prostitution.

[Enterprise]

I think your observation about control is pretty good. It is fine if he wants to remain celibate until marriage. But if he needs to be in "control" then he evidently didn't find the right woman. Cooperation in a relationship works better. (Don't tell my wife I said that).

[stands2reason]

Whoever he was, he removed his genes from the future gene pool.

Influence sometimes means more than "spreading your seed."