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| "Sex can wait, masturbate!" |
Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
is a celibate man any less "controlled by his groin" is choosing a mate than a promiscuous one?
as i alluded to in another post, i'm not sure this is the case. it would seem to take a deep love to propel someone into a life long committment when they are already 'getting the milk for free'. the problem i see is that too many people will just choose to stay single for their whole life.
i don't think marriage was invented to make people sexually moral. it was created to make them responsible for their sexual actions.
is a celibate man any less "controlled by his groin" is choosing a mate than a promiscuous one?
as i alluded to in another post, i'm not sure this is the case. it would seem to take a deep love to propel someone into a life long committment when they are already 'getting the milk for free'. the problem i see is that too many people will just choose to stay single for their whole life.
i don't think marriage was invented to make people sexually moral. it was created to make them responsible for their sexual actions.
Well, the Mosaic Law in the Old Testament says a few things [in no particular order]:
The New Testament has a somewhat narrower sexual moral compass than the Old, but it doesn't have absolute prohibitions in the same way that the Old one did. Certainly it is clear in both the Old and New Testament that the preferred sexual union is between a husband and wife; there are proverbs that make clear all others are foolish. As such, it's quite clear that non-marital sexual relations were discouraged, even though not prohibited.
9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
this is a good example of what i was saying in 462 (and 464 - sorry for the double post).
i.e. society's main and best interest in this arena is in seeing that people take responsibility for their sexual actions.
Personally, I am a 17 year old female, virgin. Staying a virgin is one of the hardest things to do these days, but I am convinced that my relatioinship with my future husband will be even deeper if we have only had sex with each other.
Now I am not naive, or a "good girl"--I could have sex if I wanted. However, I don't becasue I think that the consequences far outweigh the rewards.
I have lots of guy friends who have made the same commitment to purity. And believe me they are not gay, sissy, obese, or missing linbs--they're ALL male,(and some of them are really good-looking) but they are still waiting for their wedding night.
I know how hard it is for guys to stay virgins (I have 3 brothers) and that is why I respect guys that have the self-control to wait for something that is so much better. THOSE guys will make the best husbands.
~L
Not being familiar with first-century linguistic usage, it's not entirely clear what is meant.
Certainly, one main message of the Gospels is that repentant sinners who seek Christ can receive salvation. Indeed, since all are sinners, the only way to salvation is through Christ.
I therefore do not take Paul's words in Corinthians to mean that nobody who has ever fornicated can enter the Kingdom of God, nor anybody who has ever gotten drunk, etc.
One difficulty with terms like "drunkard" or "fornicator" is that they refer to quantitative concepts qualitatively, without clarification. As such, it can be unclear whether the terms are meant narrowly or widely.
To understand what I mean, consider other verb-derived nouns like "writer". Would you call anyone who has ever written anything, anywhere, a writer? Or would you only use the term to refer to a small subset of such people?
Without being familiar with first-century linguistic usage, I can't really say with certainty what Paul meant. Certainly the term would probably include people who engage in wild orgies nightly with half a dozen partners. But would it include someone who had sexual relations with a woman he ended up marrying?
For my own actions, I try to stay within the straight and narrow (adopting fairly broad definitions of those terms). On the other hand, I cannot say with certitude that broad definitions are correct.
I'd say the purpose is much more specific: to protect the right of all people--other than those who by their own actions forfeit the right--to know who their offspring are.
Of course, women don't need to have that right protected--biologically a woman who's pregnant can pretty well guess the child is hers.
Men, however, have no such inherent biological assurance. By requiring that their wives be virgins when they wed, and that they have sex with no one else, husbands can get the assurance from society that biology alone would not provide.
Note, btw, that the focus of marriage on protecting the right to know one's offspring is why female virginity is prized and adultery (for a married woman to sleep with a man not her husband) is not tolerated; it's also why polygyny is acceptable but polyandry is not, and why fornication--even by married males--is not forbidden but is discouraged (a man who sleeps around may find children emerging who grow up to claim a share of his inheritance; the unwise action thus produces its own punishment).
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| "Sex can wait, masturbate!" |
I'll bet your whole family is proud.
Your holier-than-thou attitude must endear you to nearly everyone.
It's also almost impossible to rebuild that trust. Sometimes you can be very careful and not know what you're getting into. Sometimes people are darn clever about misrepresenting themselves. These days you never know...
I like Condi Rice, and I appreciate the fact that she has other interests besides politics. Can you imagine a debate between her and Hill?
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