Jay Leno: “I’m fascinated to hear your take on the election. Because you always have a little different look at things than most Hollywood people.”
Dennis Miller: “I want to congratulate my President. I think he had a great day. I think George Bush is a good man.” [applause]
Leno: “Yeah? He did a fine job.”
Miller: “I think, I think he’s a good man and I think he’s done a fine job in these last two years. I don’t think he’s a great man but I would prefer that our President would be a good man because great men tend to believe they're great men and then they end up not being great men any more. I like Bush because he seems like a regular decent guy. And you know what? He’s a big picture guy. Which just shocks me. Because when he first came into the office I think many of us thought that he was the sort of guy who watched television one pixel at a time. But uh, shockingly he’s proven himself to be a big picture guy. I like his sense of humor. At least I hope it’s his sense of humor. I uh, sometimes think it’s Norm Crosby’s sense of humor. But uh, I think the thing I like most about him is that he’s not Clinton. I just think he’s a decent guy. I mean, you know...” [applause]
Miller: “I’m telling ya when I watch those, the videotape of the retarded kids playing uh, tee-ball on the White House lawn, on the field that he built for them.
Leno: “Yeah.”
Miller: “And I juxtapose it with Clinton and the wocka-wocka porno guitar of the Clinton administration. I just like Bush, he makes me proud to be an American again. He’s just a decent guy.”
Leno: “He is a decent guy. But do you-”
Miller: “And you know what, what? Jay what, what are the Democrats really offering? You know I consider both sides in an election before I vote. I looked at what the Democrats are saying. They’re saying, 'Listen we want more of your money and we’re not really keen on preemptively protecting you from bad guys.' You know what folks? I don’t want the bad guys to have the next move. I don’t want to see two more big buildings blown up.”
Miller soon explained: “Listen, I began to go off liberal America when they insisted to me that Rudy Giuliani was a bad guy. You remember that years ago? How they told us Rudy Giuliani, they always like tinged on the Nazi reference.”
Leno: “Right, right, yeah right.”
Miller: “'He’s a storm-trooper! He’s a bad guy!’ Every time I’d go to New York it was cleaner and safer and I’d think, 'Wait a second how bad a guy can this guy be?’ And now you don’t hearing anybody saying that because it’s been proven out that Rudy Giuliani is a good man....”
After an ad break, he elaborated on Iraq: “It’s not a perfect world. Listen I think Bush’s old man could have ended this whole dilemma in the Middle East around 12 years ago. We were like two exits away on the Jersey Turnpike from croaking this toad and we back off because the coalition doesn’t want us to go up the road. Are you kidding me? The coalition? This better not happen again. You know Tony Blair is a cute kid and one of my favorite Martin Short characters in waiting, but the simple fact is we don’t consult the Brits on anything anymore. We haven’t listened to them since our boys dressed up like the Hakawi tribe and boosted all the Tetley tea in the Beantown Harbor around 200 years ago. I don’t want to ask the Brits what to do here. We gotta assassinate Saddam Hussein. Why have we taken assassination off the table as a viable political tool? And yet they’ll tell you the collateral damage of civilians is acceptable. But you’re not allowed to assassinate the main pain in the ass. My theory is if you have trouble with your conscience pretend you’re trying to kill the guy next to him and think of him as collateral damage, alright?! If that will allow you to get to bed at night.” [applause]
Miller: “Listen. Negotiating with Saddam Hussein is about as practical as practicing aroma therapy on a French man. Okay? It’s not going to happen.”
Miller took on liberal wimpiness: “You know I find our approach to the, the war on terrorism to be amazingly non-chalant. I mean the simple fact is we are not being protective enough of ourselves. I think that was a mandate yesterday saying, 'Listen! We don’t want these morons trying to croak us!’ You know when the Al-Qaeda made a big mistake? Is when they whiffed that dog on videotape? That got the liberals into it. Because they’re all sitting at home with their Marmaduke day-planner saying, 'Wait a second? They croaked a puppy? Now it’s on mother-[bleeped]!” [applause]
OMG ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOO I wish I'd seen this tonight!!
This time of night it's beer on the monitor. Messy, very messy...