CHIRAC'S APOLOGY TO QUEEN

French President Jacques Chirac has sent a letter of apology to the Queen over the defacing of British war graves in northern France.

The World War One graves were daubed with anti-British slogans in bright red spray paint.

"These unacceptable and disgraceful acts are unanimously condemned by the French people. In the name of France and in my own name, please accept my deepest regrets," Chirac wrote.

In words aimed at soothing the rift over France's opposition to the US and UK-led war in Iraq, Chirac said: "Know that at a time when your soldiers are engaged in combat, the thoughts of the French are naturally with them."

The entrance of the cemetery in Etaples, near Calais had been daubed with several offensive slogans.

Written in large red letters beneath a swastika, another said: "Saddam will win and he will make you bleed".

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin has written to his British counterpart Jack Straw to express his "emotion and indignation at this unspeakable act".

The graffiti was cleaned off by the French branch of the Commonwealth War Graves Commission, which manages the site, but not before it was seen by British tourists on two coaches.

Of the roughly 11,000 graves at Etaples, most are British but other nationalities include Canadians and Australians. There are no US graves at the site.

France's relations with the United States and Britain have been soured by French opposition to the war in Iraq but officials in Paris stressed this was no excuse for venting hatred.

"France knows what it owes to the formidable devotion and courage of the British soldiers that came to help it free itself in the fight against barbarity," Chirac wrote to the Queen.

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

When this war is over, I really wish we would drop the returning 82nd and 101st airborne divisions onto these cemetaries, where they could exhume their fallen comrades in masse, in the middle of the night.

Airlift all the remains onto a carrier or two, and bring them all home once and for all.

Family members don't feel right about removing them from the company of their friends, but I think it would be ok if they ALL came home together.

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