Airport Security
To ensure that we Americans never offend anyone, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of everyone: 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old congressmen with metal hips and Medal of Honor winning former Governors. But they will not single out any one group of individuals for searches. Let's pause a moment and take the following test.
In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim males mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered in his wheelchair and thrown overboard by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered (and his body tossed to the tarmac) by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was blown up in flight via a bomb planted by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1996, nineteen American servicemen died when Khobar Towers was bombed by:
a. Secret Service agents
b. American kids
c. American grandmothers
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers (God rest his soul)
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
On October 12, 2000, seventeen sailors died when the USS Cole was bombed by:
a. NASCAR officials
b. Barbie doll impersonators
c. Alf
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
On September 11,2001 four U.S. airliners were hijacked and thousands of people were murdered by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The NFL
c. The Catholic Church
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim males (mostly) between the ages of 17 and 40
As this test has shown, there are absolutely no patterns anywhere to justify racial profiling. My confidence in our system is now totally restored and I shall endure the persecutions (oops, I mean "random searches") gladly. After all, I must be safer now: the Feds say so!