Dennis Miller on "Real Time" with Bill Maher

HBO | 3/14/03 | Self

[FastNBulbous]

On HBO live right now...

[gcruse]

I'm trying, I'm trying!! ;)

[Red Dog #1]

Sir, I stand corrected. As myself imposed punishment I promise not post anymore comments on Free Republic when I too tired to catch something like this.

[Warhead W-88]

Miller on Hillary:

(WARNING: NOT CENSORED. May contain adult language, adult situations, and Hugh Rodham.)


Hillary

Ah, Hillary. What can you say about Hillary Clinton that hasn't already been muttered under somebody else's breath?

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but love Hillary Clinton or hate her, you'd better get used to her because, like a retired Celine Dion, she's not going away any time soon.

Now, traditionally the role of the First Lady has been maintaining an inviting atmosphere at the White House and then picking a special pet project to keep her occupied. Jackie Kennedy chose celebrating the arts, Lady Bird Johnson the environment. Hillary Clinton's pet project? Total world domination.

Look, I won't lie to you. This country has a deep fear and mistrust of strong, smart, accomplished, outspoken women unless they're sexy 22-year-olds killing vampires on television.

But what do we really know about Hillary, other than that she's had more make overs than Sammy "The Bull" Gravano's wife?

Well, for one thing, we know Hillary is an insanely loyal spouse. I don't understand how she can be in the same house as Bill without wacking him in the n*ts with a polo mallet every time he falls asleep on the couch.

But the Clintons are a rare breed. For many people the idea of running for office, forcing the public to choose whether they like you or not, would be a nightmare. But Hillary and Bill need the assurance that 46% of the country loves them, and the other 54% is out to get them. That's why I'm different. I know all of you like me. Right? Don't you?

See, I knew I was right.

Bill and Hillary possess that rare blend of grade A Machiavellian caginess combined with the luck of a two-time Powerball winner. Who but the Clintons could see one of their opponents bow out of a senate race plagued by, of all things, charges of marital infidelity? I'm sure when reports about Giuliani's mistress surfaced, the Clintons laughed so hard they could almost hear each other from across the hall in their separate bedrooms.

Now, critics have asked why Hillary chose to run in New York instead of Arkansas. You know, I think it has something to do with Arkansas being in Arkansas.

But New York? Who does she think she's fooling? Hillary Clinton actually had to go on a listening tour to find out what the residents of New York want. C'mon, you can't spend fifteen seconds with a New Yorker without discovering not only what he wants, but who he wants dead and when he was last operated on. And believe it or not, New Yorkers are buying it. She's actually working her magic on a bunch of people who pride themselves on the fact that they cannot be snookered. I can only assume this is karma for f**king the Indians over on that bead thing.

I can't believe they can't see how phony she is. Don't they see through those perfectly prepared speeches, where every brittle smile has been pre-programmed to last exactly the right number of seconds to express humility without veering off into self-doubt? You know what I want? I want to see if she can tell me her home phone number. I want her to tell me what's in her refrigerator, or what her mailman's name is, or when she last parallel parked a f**king car. I want her to tell me about the life she does lead rather than the life she thinks I should lead.

Anyway, here's how I think it's going to play out in November and beyond. Hillary wins the Senate seat in New York. Now, you would think she wants Gore to be the next President, but she actually needs Bush to win. Then the Clinton machine starts a back-channel campaign attacking Bush for the next four years. Bush is such a massive nitwit that he won't seal the deal for reelection in 2004, so Hillary runs against Dopey and becomes the great white female hope. Then we begin to think, if we can elect the son of a President, why the hell not the wife of a president? Next thing you know, Bill's back cruising trim in the West Wing without any of that bulls**t running-the-country-thing to get in the way, plus, this now gives the Clintons eight years to get the 22nd Amendment repealed and get themselves sworn in as the f**king King and Queen of America... Hey, just you watch.

Now, I generally don't subscribe to the grossly sexist theory that women who seek power are secretly compensating for something that's missing from their lives, but in Hillary's case it's so pathetically obvious. I guarantee you, if Bill Clinton flies home this week from Europe, stops in Manhattan long enough to pick up a couple dozen long-stemmed roses, a bottle of Cristal and a La Perla negligee, then heads up to Chap-a-qua, glides in through the front door, slaps a little Francis Albert Sinatra on the CD player, picks Hillary up in his arms like he's Richard Gere and she's Deborah Winger in a paper mill, carries her up the stairs, and spends the rest of the weekend showing her exactly what his definition of "is" is, well, my friends, I think Rick Lazio will be running for the Senate unopposed.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

[gcruse]

Thanks for the link.  After reading some of it, I realize my memory of Miller is accurate.  He has changed, not me and not politics.  He trashes Clinton's rape victims real well.  Like I said, I'm trying to forgive and forget, not rewrite the past.

[Warhead W-88]

I just discovered something funny.

I searched for Dennis Miller, using the Free Republic search function.

See, the last time I posted something about Miller, everyone said "Oh, man, he's a liberal, he's just trying to kiss up to what he thinks the current zeitgeist is." And I responded by posting a bunch of quotes from the past five years where he really comes off very conservative, very un-PC.

So I was trying to find that.

But I didn't find it.

What I found was twenty or so threads on the topic of Dennis Miller. Except for the five or six MNF/Rush threads, every other thread goes like this:

"HOLY SH-T!!! You should have heard what Dennis Miller said tonight!! He had on Christopher Hitchens/Gary Oldman/James Woods/Tim Russert/Larry Miller/Whoever and man did he rip the Democrats/the abortion lobby/Jesse Jackson/Hillary/Bill/Roger/Hugh a new butt-hole!! It was UNBELIEVABLE!!"

And then, after that post, everyone says: "Oh man, he's just a liberal pretender..."

I mean, this has been going on for five years now. For five years, the guy's been doing everything except wearing a prom-buttoneer from Ralph Frickin' Reed. He's done just about everything he can to announce he's conservative except carve a Charles-Manson-esque political symbol in his forehead.

But every month on FR, it's the same thing: "Oh, man, the guy's just another ass-kissing liberal. Don't you remember what he said about Rush..."

Well, okay, he wrote one mean essay about Rush.

Hell, half of you complain about Rush on a monthly basis.

[dead]

After reading some of it, I realize my memory of Miller is accurate.

No it isn't.

Neither is your ability to separate bullsh*t from fact on the internet.

It's tricky sometimes.

[Warhead W-88]

Except that the link provided by Red Dog is not a Dennis Miller rant, but a rant written by an idiot internet liberal in Miller's style. (But not really his style-- Miller has this quality called "talent" about his writing.)

[Warhead W-88]

At this point, the guy could personally host the 2004 Republican National Convention, personally track, catch, interrogate, torture, and prison-rape Osama bin Laden, cure Chuck Heston's brain condition, catch Hillary Clinton diddling Whoopie Goldberg on videotape, and find the evidence that Jim McDougal was murdered in jail, and half of the FReeper army would say, "See? He's just trying to get on our good side to sell CD's."

[gcruse]

You sure talk to yourself a lot. But go ahead. I talk to myself, too. It's good to talk to someone with some sense occasionally. ;)

[Warhead W-88]

I don't think it's polite to keep bombing the same person with replies, so when I have a new thought, I reply to myself, so that it's in the thread but it doesn't pester anyone's Message thingee.

[Warhead W-88]

Like now.

Hopefully you now understand that than rant you read isn't by Miller at all.

The rant about Hillary, otoh, is.

[FastNBulbous]

Also, a tin teardrop.

That's right!

[gcruse]

Okay. But you know what they say about being in business without advertising. I like to know when I'm being talked to, so please feel free to address me whenever you want.

[Warhead W-88]

Here's more from the "liberal," "Clinton-loving" Miller:

On being rich and famous, and why he can't complain about it like most celebrities:

...while show business from the outside may seem like a nonstop whirlwind of gorgeous people, fabulous clothes, sparkling parties, and spectacular homes, the reality is... exactly that. Sorry folks. I wish I had some balm to soothe you, but I don't. It's f***ing awesome.

On Ashcroft:

It baffles me that the same people who blast away at President Bush's selection of a religious conservative for attorney general won't give George W. any kudos for his other cabinet choices, which include blacks, Jews, Asians, Hispanics, and women. Does a fundamentalist Christian not also represent a valued strand in our collective fabric?

On the death penalty:

Some anti-death penalty advocates say that McVeigh's execution didn't bring closure to the survivors of the bombing. Maybe not, but it did bring closure to McVeigh's eyes and, frankly, that's all I wanted.

On protecting ANWR from despoliment:

I say we don't touch the oil reserves and just invent a car that runs on endangered species, okay?

On the Clintons:

…like an infestation of cockroaches, a drunken party guest, or a super-virulent strain of antibiotic-resistant clap, the Clintons are proving almost impossible to get rid of.

On American boomer narcissism:

Americans couldn't be any more self-absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

On pampered celebrity Woody Allen, whom he blames for helping to "popularize the idea that going to a shrink is normal and healthy":

Just look what it's done for him and his family. You know, he and his daughter-slash-wife have never been happier.

On old-fashioned guilt:

…guilt is what keeps our society from completely unraveling. Yet our culture is rife with politically correct apologists telling us to let go of the shame that binds us and to treat our mistakes as learning experiences that we have to "heal" from and "put behind us" as quickly as we can. That's just b*****. If you do something wrong, you should feel guilty about it.

on his love of the English language:

I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?






On Jim McDermott:

"What do you think? Do you think going to the capital city of your enemy and calling your president a liar is a good move? Is that how liberal it's gotten up there?"

"Listen, as they say, Jane Fonda at the end of the day was 'Barbarella.' And if she wants to go be a moron in North Vietnam, that's her business. This guy represents the United States of America. He's a congressman. That's worse to me," Miller fulminates. "What are you, Tokyo Rose?

"But you know what? In times like this he'll probably get re-elected."

On Iraq:

"I think we should invade tomorrow. I think we should put it on Pay Per View and sell bobble-head dolls. And you know something? I would make our demands on Hussein really incredibly specific. I'd say, 'Listen, pal, I want you to shave the left side of your mustache and I want you to go on Al Jazeera TV next week and dance like Kevin Bacon at the end of 'Footloose,' or we're coming in."

On Gore:

"If he was in there right now, this would be more hysterical than a drag queen returning a pair of shoes without a receipt."

On American Idol (oh come on, it's still topical):

"Well, tell you what: I'd surprise people, because I'd be closer to Paula Abdul than I would be to the English guy. And I know the English guy's pro-wrestling. I dig him. He makes me laugh. But I can hurt morons' feelings. I cannot hurt aspirants' feelings.

"You know, Gary Hart tells you to follow and then he'll go [expletive] a girl. Yeah, I'll go after him because I feel bad for his wife. I don't go after innocents. I only go after jerks."

Like McDermott?

"Yeah, McDermott's a punk."

[gcruse]

LOL There's some great stuff in there. I'm off to the cot.
See youze.

[Delphinium]

I find myself loving him now too, atleast about this issue. I am sure he is still very pro-abortion from what he said on Donahue. I am hoping he might be waking up, seeing alot of things differently then he did before. He will for sure find out who his friends are.

I can't hardly stomach the rest of these people, but I am gona watch this now just to see Dennis put them in place.

[billsux]

"It's going to take a while to get used to thinking of him in kindly terms, but I'm working on it."

Well, that's all we ask! ;)

later.

[metesky]

I didn't know you were a Freeper, Dennis!

[FreedomPoster]

Index bump.

[Revelation 911]

the guy poops out an adult bull Sasquatch.

LOL - Im still laughing 5 minutes later