Posted on 02/27/2003 5:18:06 PM PST by f.Christian
The Buzzzzzz 5 ©
Norman Liebmann
Monday Feb. 24, 2003
The buzz is, since George Clooney expressed his trepidation that America "can't beat anyone anymore", a network intends to ask him to host a talk show with equally fearful Hollywood actors called "Cowering with Clooney."
The buzz is, these days Mexican restaurants in California are catering heavily to illegal aliens. Every order of rice and beans now comes with rice and beans.
The buzz is, Hollywood will secede from the Union - it having already seceded from reality.
The buzz is, a claque of gay students at the University of William and Mary are insisting the Trustees change the name of the institution to William and Murray - and Bruce.
The buzz is, Yasser Arafat's juvenile suicide bombers have worked out so well he is organizing an even younger group called Snipers in Diapers.
The buzz is, a new kind of inexpensive plastic surgery is available. If there is any feature of your face with which you are unhappy, Mike Tyson will come to your house and bite it off.
The buzz is, Zimbabwe soldiers who indulge in cannibalism consider pygmies hors d'oeuvres.
The buzz is, Bill Clinton can expect another necktie next Christmas. Hillary has still not figured out how to gift wrap a vasectomy. (The only thing Bill gets from Hillary these days is a "no" job.)
The buzz is, Hollywood doctors performing laparoscopic surgery are now doing them in Cinemascope. A cinematographer has recommended proctologists use a special lens, which directors find particularly effective for love scenes.
The buzz is, bookmakers in Las Vegas are giving 8-to-5 Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction will eventually turn up in the Clinton Library. They are giving even money that the Clinton library will have a Girlie Wing.
The buzz is, a contingent of Hollywood stars are raising money to buy a pole long enough to tip over the Statue of Liberty.
The buzz is, a horror movie is in the works in which Alan Colmes dies and comes back to life as Alan Colmes. Too weird!
The buzz is, a new substratum of Democrat has evolved. It is liberal, deviant, and incredibly boring. It is called a Cuomo-sexual.
The buzz is, a new 24/7 soft porn outlet will debut on cable. It is promo'd as the "All Silicone, All the Time" Channel.
The buzz is, a Hollywood producer will approach Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon to star in a new sci-fi movie to be called Star Drek.
The buzz is, there are more legal woes in store for Bill Clinton. A woman is getting ready to sue him for having chipped a tooth on his zipper.
The buzz is, Barney Frank might consider backing the war in Iraq if the Pentagon would agree that instead of being mounted on gun emplacements, the howitzers were to be set on doilies.
The buzz is, while covertly leafing through a copy of Playboy, Jimmy Carter got excited and his prostate fell out. Fortunately it got a lucky bounce and went back in.
The buzz is, Bill Clinton is trying to use his influence with the phone company to get Heidi Fleiss's ad back in the Yellow Pages. (Hey, what are friends for?)
The buzz is, the Dems are pandering more than ever to their pro-choice affirmative action base by declaring this March Black Hysterectomy Month.
The buzz is, Bill Clinton has new respect for his one time lapdog, sycophant, brown nose, lickspittle, apple polisher, groveling spaniel, Bill Richardson, since Richardson demonstrated he can earn the nation's contempt on his own. He certainly has earned mine.
The buzz is, Jimmy Carter was not always the gutless wonder he is today. As head honcho on his peanut ranch, he saddled up and singled-handedly stopped a herd of stampeding goobers.
The buzz is, Tom Daschle is losing patience with Democrats who are indifferent about the war. It's his contention that apathy is no substitute for out-and-out cowardice.
The buzz is, as they did in Arkansas, the Medellin cocaine cartel is ready to negotiate for the use of Bill Clinton's nose as a helicopter pad.
The buzz is, Monica Lewinsky will ask permission to revisit the Oval Office because she remembered she left her mouth running.
The buzz is, Jimmy Carter was the first President to be circumcised after winning election. Before taking office he told the surgeon to "Remove the testicles, too. I won't be using them."
The buzz is, a motion picture studio is considering Barbara Streisand for the role of Tokyo Rose if she will agree to the title change "Tokyo Nose."
The buzz is, a place in the Black Hall of Fame has been reserved for Bill Clinton. His niche will be right between O.J. Simpson and Idi Amin. Members of the Simpson and Amin families have thirty days to lodge their formal protests.
The buzz is, Teddy Kennedy is having his favorite swizzle stick bronzed. (Sentimental son of a gun.)
The buzz is, a feminist organization of women will lobby for legislation making sperm a controlled substance - but specify that Bill Clinton is exempt from obeying the law.
The buzz is, Senator Robert Byrd will compete in a rodeo for seniors. The main event is to see who can last ten seconds on a bedpan without being thrown off.
The buzz is, one of the networks is preparing a feminist chat show called "Out of the Mouths of Bimbos."
The buzz is, to convince people of his piety, Joe Lieberman will convert from Orthodox Judaism to Ultra Orthodox Judaism, a sect of Hassidim that considers bagels non-kosher.
The buzz is, there will soon be a feminist action figure toy on the market called RoboDyke.
The buzz is, on the Massachusetts list of voters, the name Mary Jo Kopechne is the only deceased person whose name did not (you'll pardon the expression) surface.
The buzz is, the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms claims the cigar Bill Clinton used on Monica was a Cuban cigar and listed as c-ntraband. (Anyone want to buy a vowel?).
The buzz is, Arkansas belles do not like to use deodorants, and will henceforth lie down in a field and have their armpits crop dusted.
The buzz is, Donald Trump may approach a church in Las Vegas to put a casino in the chapel. The church would change its name to Our Lady of the Hard Eight.
and ...
The buzz is, the Democrat Party may soon become a member state in the Arab League. It was only a matter of time.
Norman Liebmann is a former Television writer (Johnny Carson, Dean Martin; wrote and produced Chico and the Man, and created the characters for The Munsters (who are all named after his relatives) and a brilliant and insightful columnist/humorist. Please visit his website Firehat, a treasure trove of Clinton and Media bashing.
The buzz is, the Democrat Party may soon become a member state in the Arab League. It was only a matter of time.
"From that moment, Bubba became the Mephistophelean fetch-and-carry, a relationship that remains intact to this day. The Devil put his proposition to Clinton straight on and with the bark off. "Bubba, I need someone who is willing to seek out the high moral ground, rent a bulldozer, and level it - someone who is willing to mud wrestle with the truth - someone who has the thermonuclear chutzpa to tell the American people where God went wrong. In short, I need someone to lie, cheat, steal, commit treason, corrupt the young, and make the United States of America the laughing stock of the world. Do you think you can handle it?" Clinton replied, "I'll need a small room off the Oval Office and a motorcade."
"When a hellion deputy expressed hesitation whether one man, even someone as impure of character as Bill Clinton, could destroy an entire nation, the Demon replied, "He'll destroy as much of it as he can. The media will take care of the rest. Don't underestimate him. As a kid he would have ratted out Tom Brown to the Headmaster at Rugby. Besides, I love hearing people grind their teeth every time he takes that arrogant "loosey goosey" saunter to and from the helicopter. But, just to be on the safe side, I'll send Hillary with him to make sure nothing goes right. She did a pretty good job inside of Linda Blair."
"Thus, Clinton went from a satanic protégé to . . . Perdition's 'co'-delegate ** (( link )) to Earth."
Just about four years to the very day I first read firehat !
... ** ... my touch // addition !
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