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Human Shield Survival Guide - Iraq 2003

1. When you see US fighter jets or attack helicopters approaching your position, jump up and down, wave your arms and shout real loud "HERE WE ARE.. HERE WE ARE.."

2. When Iraqi defense forces detonate VX nerve gas-filled artillery shells in your area in order to deter the US invasion force, remember to breath in DEEPLY several times and remain calm. It is quite possible you may feel very sleepy, but don't worry that is normal.

3. When the Iraqi Secret Intelligence service attaches electrodes to your testicles and turns on the electricity in an attempt to prove that US invasion forces are abusing you, you are to scream with delight and shout "Thank you sir, may I have another!"

4. Abstain from all food and medicines as these are intended for the loyal Iraqi Republican Guards who are defending Saddam's gold plated, ivory-encrusted, multi-million dollar Presidential Palaces. Food is overrated anyway.

5. Take a tour of Iraqi prison facilities and inspect the facilities for interrogation and detention. After the war is over, these will be your new homes for an indefinite duration. Enjoy your stay!