Fred Barnes: How Many Frenchmen Does It Take . . .

The Weekly Standard ^ | 02/13/03 | Fred Barnes

[Pokey78]

Nobody likes an ingrate and a tide of anti-French sentiment is sweeping the American street.

DO THE FRENCH have the slightest idea about how obnoxious they seem to many Americans? I suspect not, but then the French aren't all that self-aware in the first place. And the American press, hung up on anti-Americanism around the globe, has done little to inform anyone of the rippling tide of anti-French feeling here.

The simple fact is nobody likes an ingrate. It would be one thing if the French said they planned to sit out the war with Iraq. But it's quite another when the French actively try to undermine President Bush and prevent regime change in Iraq, as they're doing now. After all we've done for the French--saving their butts in World Wars I and II, taking over for them in Vietnam--this makes them ungrateful in the extreme--breathtakingly, unprecedentedly, and perhaps even unforgivably, ungrateful.

There's more than just anecdotal evidence of anti-French sentiment. There are polls. Gallup found that France's favorability among Americans has dropped 20 points in the past year. It's still at 59 percent, but that survey was taken in December. Since then, the French have gone out of their way to alienate the entire American population (except the hard-core left). My guess is a poll today would show that France is viewed far less favorably than in December.

But what about the anecdotal evidence? I give speeches and appear on TV and frequently criticize the French on Iraq, and I repeat every anti-French joke I've heard. I thought this might be politically incorrect. Au contraire. Americans of nearly all stripes appear to appreciate France-bashing. I haven't been chastised once, even after telling tough jokes zinging the French for their history of weakness, disloyalty, and fecklessness.

The jokes have taken on a life of their own. Americans love them. For instance, Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

And why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army. How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind). FOR SALE: French rifles . . . never fired, only dropped once.

Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq," Miller says. "The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response. Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? No French answer was recorded.

[uglybiker]

[MattAMiller]

Actually that was Groundskeeper Willie not Bart.

[SunTzuWu]

LOL - I shouldn't be surprised. The Simpsons is such a clever series. Have you seen the episode where Lisa gets Springfied to outlaw guns? The guns are destroyed then the helpless town is terrorized by dead outlaws. Very funny, sadly true.

In which episode did Willie speak these imortal words?

[Jaxter]

[Aeronaut]

Requesting "FredHead" status.

[OneLoyalAmerican]

Greetings Jaxter, FReepers, et al:
ROFL! Wonder what happens if you Google search: French treaties honored?

[luv2ndamend]

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

[Teacher317]

Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home? No French answer was recorded.

Yes, before they become a Muslim majority nation. Look at what they've done to the 60' stone statues of Buddha, the Tomb of Joseph, Rachel's Tomb, The Temple Mount, various churches/synagogues/Hindu Temples, etc. Those graves will be defiled when they have the majority vote in France.

(and anything short of a declaration of war would be an insufficient response)

[dnandell]

The only reason to leave our honorable war dead in that vile country (France) is to give them a visible symbol of what we've done for them.

Apparently they don't give a sh**. Let's start bringing our war dead home so that they can be honored as they are at Arlington.

If you have ever seen the changing of the guard at Arlington, you would understand.

I'd love to pull a Gen. Patton and slap the sh** out of a Frenchman right now. Cowards. It does pain me that I am of German descent right now though.

d

[steve-b]

I haven't been chastised once, even after telling tough jokes zinging the French for their history of weakness, disloyalty, and fecklessness.

Jokes? I thought they were anecdotes.

[lawgirl]

Fred was tearing them a new one on Special Report tonight--PRICELESS!