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Everyone sneers at Poland. If you can't sneer at 'modern' Greece, who can you sneer at? That's the basis of 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding!' Which Yugoslavia do I sneer at, part A, B, C, or D, or all of the above? And Norway? Um, Quisling...who lets a guy named Quisling run a country? It's as if we elected Kool Moe Dee president. Belgium? The country of chocolates and self-described 'Low Country?' Luxembourg? Where's that again? The Netherlands...sounds kinda dirty if you ask me. Latvia? Wasn't the guy on Taxi from there? Romania--Ceaucescu, nuff said. Hungary is a country named after a stomachache. And Czechoslovakia?!?! Gesundheit!

If I left anyone out, it's probably because they were too small or poor to waste a whole sneer on. Somebody had to sneer at all these countries, though, if just to prove this idiot wrong.

But I REALLY sneer at the French. Not because of their cowardice in the face of German oppressors. Not because the term 'the unwashed masses' originally applied to their population. Not because DeGaulle EXPECTED our help, and decided he didn't need to help us in return during the Cold War.

No, I sneer at them because they think their culture superior, when their contribution to food is limited to putting sauce on stuff and/or renaming it something funny, their contribution to art is making it fuzzy and starting us on the downhill road to 'modern art,' their contribution to architecture is a steel framework, their contribution to music is Frere Jacques, and their contribution to movies is sustaining Jerry Lewis' career and making Catherine Deneuve get naked again.

Okay, maybe that last part is worth considering, but before anyone tries to dispute me with the wonder that is the national anthem of the French, La Marseillaise is the sauce you put on Eggs Benedict, not a 'stirring anthem.' The only thing that song stirs in me is an eagerness to edit Victor Lazlo out of Casablanca.