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Folks, I again return you to the Iconoclast:

http://www.iconoclast.ca/mainpage.html

---- TOP SECRET! EMBARGOED! CONFIDENTIAL! TOP PRIORITY! NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE! ----

BUBBA PART 2:
The Official Biography of William Jefferson Clinton;
Chillin with Hill:

Monica, Jennifer and Babs: Hillary Clinton on the "Other Women"

Hi, I'm Roger Ebert, film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times. I'm a real person, but the author of this book has decided to use me in a fictional manner because he almost had a nervous breakdown trying to discover the "real" Bill Clinton. I'm going to interview First Lady Hillary Clinton to try to get her perspective on her philandering hubby and why he is so attracted to all of those bimbos. We're going to conduct the interview in screenplay format for two reasons. One, I'm a film critic and it seems so ironic and postmodern to be doing this as a screenplay, and two, screenplay format has real narrow margins and will help get the book up to the page count required by the author's contract with Random House.

CHILLIN' WITH HILL: THE INTERVIEW

FADE IN:

EXT. DECK OF BOAT IN CANNES HARBOR

Film critic Roger Ebert and First Lady Hillary Clinton are sitting in deck chairs on Gary Hart's yacht, Monkey Business II, which is moored in the harbor of Cannes, France.

ROGER

Mrs. Clinton, are you having a good festival?

HILLARY

Comme ci, comme ca, babe. Miramax is ready to bite on my life story, but Gwyneth is holding out for play or pay.

ROGER

Give 'em an Oscar and they want the world.

HILLARY

Tell me about it.

A waiter brings over drinks.

HILLARY (CONT'D)

(to waiter) Where's the f***ing umbrella for my mai tai, a**hole?

ROGER

If we could get started, I know this is a touchy subject, but do you have any insights into your husband's well-known proclivity to wander?

HILLARY

Well, the members of the vast right-wing conspiracy with their simplistic solutions to all of America's problems try to say that it's just because my husband is a low-life rutting cad with the morals of an alley cat. But the truth is that my husband IS a victim, a victim of childhood abuse, of the conflict between his mother and grandmother.

ROGER

Really?

CUT TO:

BLACK & WHITE FLASHBACK CLINTON HOUSE 1949

Bill Clinton's mother and grandmother are both dressed in red teddies and are sitting in the parlor of what appears to be a turn of the century whorehouse. There are a number of distinguished looking gentlemen seated about. They all are wearing expensive suits with spats and waistcoats. They are listening to young Bill Clinton playing "She's the Daughter of Rosie O'Grady" on the tenor saxophone.

MRS. CLINTON

Give me the money, you old woman!

GRANDMA CLINTON

No way! I'm gonna spend it on Depends, and gamble the rest away at the casino.

MRS. CLINTON C'mon, you knowwe need that money for Bill's tuition at Georgetown.

GRANDMA CLINTON

Yeah, you just want the money so you can bail out your 2nd and 3rd husbands and get your boyfriend's banjo out of the hockshop.

MRS. CLINTON

(slaps Grandma) Take that, you old bag.

The two ladies begin to wrestle in a mud-wrestling pit that mysteriously appears. The gentlemen present begin to urge them on and to place bets on the winner. Bill Clinton puts down his saxophone and puts on the striped shirt of a referee. He gets in the mud-wrestling pit and breaks the two ladies up several times when it appears that they are taking a breather and just holding on to each other.

DISSOLVE TO ORIGINAL SCENE:

HILLARY

So you see, Roger, Bill always felt that he had to referee these disputes between his mother and grandmother.

ROGER

Wow, president, philanderer AND auteur! (turns to camera) So, let's recap tonight's films. The remake of "The Diary of Anne Frank" starring Monica Lewinsky got a thumbs down from both of us. While Hillary thought "Deliverance II", with Web Hubbell taking the role originated by Burt Reynolds, to be a tender Southern romance, I thought it was just a film about a bunch of yahoos getting anally raped. I thought George Stephanopoulos was radiant in "The Fayetteville Horror III," but Hillary gave it a thumbs down, saying that Stephanopoulos was the least attractive of all of her husband's mistresses. Finally, we both give thumbs up to "Bill Clinton Childhood Flashback."

FADE TO:

END OF FILM

Bill Clinton: Greatest War Leader Since Millard Fillmore

At ease. I'm General Mark Clark, Commander of US Forces in Italy during World War II. Although I've been dead for some time, the author asked me to narrate the section of his book on Bill Clinton's glorious victories as a military leader. And I should know. Heck, I was such an incompetent general I was almost defeated by the Italians, for Christ's sake. So who better to comment upon Bill Clinton's miraculous victory over the awesome military might of Greater Serbia.

One of the first lessons you're taught in Officers' Training School is if you want to stay out of war never get caught with your pants down. Of course, this is meant metaphorically, in other words, don't get caught being unprepared or you'll have to go to war. President Clinton, however, seems to have taken this literally because when he was caught with his pants down with Monica Lewinsky he mistakenly thought that he was required to start a war.

Although the president has no military training, his instincts served him well. President Clinton had purchased a copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War as a friendship gift for Monica Lewinsky, but fortunately Betty Currie was able to retrieve this book from Lewinsky's apartment before it was subpoenaed by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr. Purusing the volume, the President immediately seized upon the section entitled "War in the Midst of Scandal." Underlined in his copy of Sun Tzu's treatise is the following passage:

When the stain on the dress is so plain,
Do not kill, do not self-disembowel.
Prepare for war not in Spain nor in Maine,
But in a land where the names have no vowels.

And that is why the Great War of Kosovo Liberation began in the town of Srbsrgtskt.

At first glance, Srbsrgtskt may not seem like an imposing military target, especially to the untrained eye. But Srbsrgtskt, with its seven mules, Blockbuster Video, Starbucks and several inside toilets, is a massive military fortress, not unlike the abandoned wineries in the Po Valley that made my progress so slow up the middle of Italy after the landing on Anzio beach. The success of the Great War of Kosovo Liberation is largely due to the brilliant decision early on by President Clinton to not proceed until Srbsrgtskt had been completely "neutralized." This was accomplished by overwhelming air power. Over the course of 72 days, 312,785 sorties delivered over 9,243,869 tons of explosives on an area little larger than 3 square blocks. Damage assessments reveal that 99.96% of all bombs dropped on Srbsrgtskt fell within a bombing radius deemed "near but functionally non-target."

This is a military record that would have made Napoleon proud. His forces never achieved this type of bombing accuracy, although it must be noted that the French Air Force of the early 19th century did not employ laser-guided cruise missiles, thereby limiting their effectiveness. This is General Mark Clark, US Army retired.

Ex-President Clinton: The Years of Exile in Hope and Leavenworth

Hi, y'all. This here's Dub Dorris again. Back to narratin' the strange tale of my friend, Bill Clinton, the 42nd President of plumb near ever'one of these here United States.

Well, when Billy Boy left the White House things wasn't too good, no, that's fer sure. Wife just upped and left him. Went lesbo, no kiddin'. Then ol' Bill done and got hisself into a mess of trouble. Yup. Didn't pay his VISA bill for six months. Just tore up the bills. I told him, "Mr. President, you can't do that. Them people from VISA's watchin' you. If you don't pay, well, they might just try to make an example of you." And doggone it, that's just what them VISA people did. Took ol' Bill to court, got his sorry behind drug off to Leavenworth for fraud. Don't that beat all? Ex-President of the US in jail, lesbo ex-wife and his dog runs away. Just like them ol' country tunes, don't you know.

Well, Bill made the most of his time in the slammer. Did a little jailhouse lawyerin'; shucks, most of Hillary's ex-partners from the Rose Law Firm were cellblock buddies. Joined a Southern Baptist Bible study group and became a honorary member of the Black Muslims. Ain't it a hoot! Ol' Bill's whiter than an albino polar bear's behind and he gets in tight with them Black Muslims. And you know what? Billy Boy looks purty good wearin' them red bow ties. Well, that's another story.

Well, it all turned out OK in the end. Billy Boy got shock probation in six months. Came home to Fayetteville and the people said, aw heck, we know he's been a bad boy, but he done his time like a man. Got a job bussin' tables at Shakey's Pizza Parlor and he's behavin' hisself real good. Goes to church purty near every Sunday, except when them early NFL games come on, but don't nobody mind too much about that.

So ever'one says why don't we get a presidential liberry for Bill, you know, even Dick Nixon's got hisself a liberry, so they hold this 4-hour marathon on the local country music station, raised near $1,200 and bought the ol' Esso station on Water Street and turned it into Billy Boy's presidential liberry. Looks purty nice, too, if I do say so myself. Got most of his speeches on the Lay's Potato Chip racks and the real valuable stuff, like Monica's dress and the missing billing documents from the Rose Law Firm, are buried where the gas tanks used to be. So, why don't y'all come down to Fayetteville and see us. We could sure use the tourist money. Oh, yeah, sorry, the author says I have to get back to the narrative. OK.

Well, Billy Boy don't remember too much nowadays about bein' president. He just stands by the pool, raking leaves, unaware that the Secret Service men put more leaves by the pool when he isn't looking. This really burns Bill up, because he just gets tired of rakin' them leaves all the time. He keeps mutterin' somethin' about the Myth of Sissyface, but shoot, I never went to college like ol' Bill, so I don't got no idea what he's talkin' about. I'm just the imaginary narrator, and I guess my job's about done.