Try this imaginary statment from Yao Ming to the press:
"Sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiiitttttt. Whut Shaq say 'bout me? Whut up wif dat? You be tellin' dat smack talkin' Affikan-'Merikan shut he mouf he be knowin' whut good fo' him."
Have him grabbing his crotch while delivering these lines just for good measure.
Jesse and Al would be releasing press statements about 10 milliseconds after that hit the press.
in that scenario, the outrage by jesse and al would cause the earth to reverse its rotation long enough for them to have press statements before yao's comments.