High-Priced Emancipation [Book Review: Why There Are No Good Men Left]

The Wall Street Journal ^ | Friday, January 3, 2002 | MEGHAN COX GURDON

[TroutStalker]

Anyone who has ever struggled to find a house to buy should intuitively understand the difficulties faced by the legions of accomplished, educated, 30ish women currently roaming society in search of a husband. They are the stuff of mass entertainment now, these handsome, quick-witted graduates of higher education. On TV, they're the saucy females of "Sex and the City" and "Will & Grace." They surface in fiction as lovelorn Bridget Jones and the hapless heroines of Pam Houston's best-selling short stories.

[null and void]

As for making oneself "saleable"--there's no point to being with a man if he can't offer security.

As I look back on my 30 year career in wafer fab/electronics, and notice that I've been unemployed 9 of the last 12 months, I must asert there is no such thing as "security"...

[null and void]

Marriage is Holy.

But it's not a suicide pact.

[sixgunjer]

And I thought I was cynical!!

Of course, I'm a 46 year old bachelor who's cynicism was formed from observing marriage from the outside. I thank you for your contribution.

Seriously, though, I think one of the reasons women are finding it so difficult to find husbands is that they are viewed by men not as someone to care for and provide for, but rather as competitors. And,in many cases they are competitors with a legislated advantage. Although competition is often amicable and frienly, a competitor is to be nevertheless defeated.

[FITZ]

They were told to seek out men with home improvement supplies in their carts who were not wearing a wedding ring.

A woman (married) I worked with used to tell the others to look for men in laundramats. She said that only single men go to them and if for some reason a married man is there you're going to see women's and kids' clothes so you'd still know. She said it was much better than looking in bars.

[null and void]

Why is it this topic always generates so many impassioned posts?

Because so many of us have been burned...

[BuddhaBoy]

I don't know if that is good advice, because any man with anything going for him should be able to find/romance/pay some woman to do his laundry.

[flyervet]

All it means is they have small boobs. Small boobs stay perky longer, but they're still small. Of course, some men like them that way.

[BuddhaBoy]

Not always. Some women are truly blessed by nature.

[flyervet]

In this case, nature = breast lift. Sort of like, "I don't wear make-up, I just naturally have good skin," and "This is my real hair color,".

[patton]

What an interesting thread.

Really, as a 40-year-old married man with three kids, I feel guilty for even having read it.

But what should I tell my sons - my daughter - to expect in life?

Should they get married in college? Shortly after? Should I raise my daughter to expect a MRS degree?

I don't know.

My wife, formerly a Special-ED teacher (now a full-time mom), will tell the world that the vast majority of her special-needs children were born to 40+ mothers. It isn't just that fertility goes down, its that risk is increased.

I think I will go hug my wife.

[flyervet]

Here you are on a Saturday morning, making yet the same exchanges looking for the same opportunity to express your free-floating resentment against womankind. Why so often, and so much?

I think BBoy is a male example of the emotionally damaged single women so many are whining about on this thread. Too many bad relationships with the wrong kind of people can leave one with a cynical, rode-hard-and-put-away-wet outlook on relationships and life in general, it's true, but that's certainly not limited to one gender only. Men and women are different, but we're not that different from one another.

[flyervet]

My wife gave some great advice to one of her friends a few years back. She said, "Stop looking for Mr. Right and start trying to be Ms. Right. Try hard to be the right person in a relationship and look for someone who's willing to do the same," Her friend got married about 18 months later and seems pretty happy so far.

[MrNatural]

Why is it this topic always generates so many impassioned posts?

Because the rules for how men and women get along with each
other have changed; instead of having one set of rules we all agree
on, each side is now working with it's own set. The previous rules
worked to look out for men, women and children; the current rule
sets have evolved to promote the maximum betterment of each
side's (short term) interest at the expense of the others.

So now the common feeling in approaching the opposite sex is one
of going into 'Indian Territory'; we go carefully, mindful of our own
wants, wary of the wants of the other. We know that in any conflict
there is no cultural arbitration available, only the courts. The average
relationship is always in danger of becoming a zero-sum game.

So the powerful attraction between the sexes, necessary for any species
to continue, is now continually at war with every individual's self interest:
We are drawn to each other's company, but we no longer know how to
get along. We dance, each to our own music, out of rhythym and synch
with the other, stepping on each other's feet, knocking each other down,
desperately wishing we could get it right.

And just to increase the anguish level, we see, here and there, couples
dancing smoothly together, smiling as they turn and and swirl across the floor....we see; we know it can be done...

[BuddhaBoy]

Nice try, but way off.

What I am, is a person who enjoys studying other people. I have not had a bad relationship yet, because I don’t allow myself to get into the kind of traps most men fall into.

It is very easy to spot a woman with an agenda beyond just having fun together, so I am not in any danger. I have not whined about a thing, I have only made comments in observation of the things I see out there in the dating world.

My attitude may appear negative to some, but only on the subject of marriage and children. As fun-seeking companions, I have nothing but a good time with women, and most of the time I prefer their company to other men (as long as the Raiders are not playing) for doing things and going places.

Above all, I like to comment on these threads, because they provoke discussion of a serious subject. I am not just playing devil's advocate here, but there is a humorous lean in most of my comments that some of you just miss.

What else is a guy to do on a rainy Saturday before the playoffs begin? Some woman already cleaned up the place, so I have nothing better to do right now.

[BuddhaBoy]

Very nicely put.

[Servant of the Nine]

Wimmin are still expected to marry up, or at least to marry an intelectual, educational and financial equal.
That leaves a pretty slim field for succesful career wimmin to look in. Especially since high potential men are not restricted by any social mores from marrying "down". In fact there is still something not quite respectable about marrying a woman above you. The word Gigollo comes to mind.

Thus the few 'available' men are looking at all wimmin, while the career wimmin are looking only at the handful of equals/superiors.

If these wimmin want to marry, they are gonna have to widen their sights. They are going to have to choose a man who makes them happy, not necessarily one that is smarter, better educated or richer.

So9

[ValerieUSA]

Lovely

[Servant of the Nine]

As for making oneself "saleable"--there's no point to being with a man if he can't offer security. Really. If women can offer themselves security, then a man had better sell himself too. As women talk among themselves, men would be horrified perhaps to hear. We talk about men's looks and virility and how it fades with time. We talk about their money. We talk about their success in the world. All this is important to us and increasingly important to women as they judge which men they want to be with. And I think that makes men really insecure and there is the resulting hostility.

If wimmin want a man they must learn that if they are part of the educational and financial elite, that they are gonna have to look down for a mate, just as men who are in the educational and financial elite often have to. Men often are happy with a simple minded little thing that looks good and adores them. Wimmin will have to learn to be happy with a Walking Love Muscle who worships them, but is too dumb to come in out of the rain.

A woman's chances of finding a man who has it all are about the same as a mans. Vanishingly slim.

SO9

[Tall_Texan]

But what should I tell my sons - my daughter - to expect in life?

You should tell them to marry and have kids before they figure out what the hell they're doing becuase, after they figure out what they've done, they won't be happy trying again. All the idealism of it vanishes.

[patton]

Lot of cynics on this thread.

I am thinking that they should have kids in their twenties - then concentrate on the career. Later is plain dumb.