Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[muggs]

Friends of ours in CA told us about an Asian guy they new who took the name "Jose". I am not kidding.

That's kind of funny, but also not so funny, if you know what I mean.

[Little Bill]

I worked with a woman who is like a sister to me named Margaret, Peg, last name Greene, P. Greene. I started to call her Maggie, she is now Maggs, a load off of her shoulders.

[Amelia]

You know you're a real teacher when....there are just some names you could NEVER give your own child. ;-)

[TontoKowalski]

Our next name thread ought to center on names of pets. Our little terrier puppy is Jango. Tonto Junior named him after the Star Wars character, and it suits him.

He saw the movie "Clash of the Titans" the other day, and now he wants another puppy so he can be named "Perseus." Did I spell that correctly?

My boyhood dog was "Jack."

[Odile]

"Hermaphroditic our culture's becoming,"
Said Leslie to Marion chatting at tea.
"Unisex costumes, ambiguous hairstyles,
Are very confusing," said both men to me!

---

More popular WASP-American names:

Girls:

Whitney
Stacey
Tracey
Michael
Shirley
Evelyn

Boys:

Whitney
Stacey
Tracey
Michael
Shirley
Evelyn

More popular African-American names:

Girls:

Gonorrhea
Alopecia
Malodora
Mandelana
Femaley
Jamaica

Boys:

Tyrone
Muhammid
Jamal
Kojak
Rambo
Desmontutu

More popular Asian-American names:

Girls:

Alice
Mary
Carol
Nancy
Elaine
Betty

Boys:

Joe
John
Jim
George
Brad
Bill

[ricpic]

Reminds me of the old Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue."

---

That song was written by Shel Silverstein. Legend has it that the late, great Jean Shepherd (long time radio monologist, author of "A Christmas Story," the tale about the kid who yearned for a Red Ryder BB gun) told Silverstein that the defense of his name, which was considered a "sissy" name for a boy, had caused him to acquire many a black eye. Silverstein immediately went home and penned the famous chart topper.

[chasio649]

I knew a guy in high school with the name Bunker Hill...real name...honest.

[Little Bill]

My present dog is Jack, Joahanni.

[Nea Wood]

My father wanted to name me Penelope Candace and call me "Penny Candy" as a nickname. My mother wouldn't let him. SHE wanted to name me "Star," after a character played by Shirley Temple in a movie. He wouldn't let her. So I ended up with a normal, boring name. LOL

[PallMal]

Black kids: Lacey Flowers (boy), Tijuana and Cappy Gibson (twin girls), Tau Ceti...

LOL. He was named after a very faint star in the constellation of the whale? You would think that if a star is what this guys mother\father was thinking of, "Rigel" or "Betelguese" in Orion would have made more sense.

[Centurion2000]

My 4 yr. old son is named Jayberry. I liked it because it was unique but not outlandish. The response has been very positive.

Your son is going to be one of the best street fighters in his future high school.

[Little Bill]

Jean Shepherd

Jean was a whoooose, I remember that cloying voice, I wanted to punch him out.

Loving person that I am.

[TontoKowalski]

He was named after a very faint star in the constellation of the whale?

Now, how in the world did you know that? It never ceases to amaze me. We have such a wide range of interests and backgrounds and expertise here on FR.

The other day, I stumbled into a space discussion that started out innocently, then became a cyber-fistfight between physicists. I couldn't follow a word of it, and got a migraine before I could back out of it.

But, hey, they were having a great time!

[kaylar]

Beware people with the middle name of Wayne.Beware!Beware!

[Scutter]

"It's pronounced Ahs-wee-pay"

ROTFLMAO

[Amelia]

Here is a website you might be interested in...the deeds have many names of slaves and slave owners in the early 1800s.

From what I've seen, slaves were not identified by surnames until after the Civil War. Some church minutes I was reading, for example, would have referred to a "colored member" as "Caesar, servant of S.C. Jones" before the Civil War, and "Caesar Jones" after the Civil War.

Another thing I found interesting (which has nothing to do with names) was that at least some slaves apparently were allowed to choose their own church. One of my ancestors was a Methodist minister, but at least one of his slaves joined a Baptist church.

[glory]

This is not far from the truth. I can remember working in retail in high school and two black women were scanning the perfumes for name ideas for the pregnant one's baby. Throw a "La" in front of it and they had their name--no kidding,they came back in a few months later and the baby's name was indeed a perfume name with a twist.

The white names are right on too and I hate every one of them(sorry to any freepers who have kids by these names). They all sound so babyish and little kiddish--I just can't picture Briana's or Caitlin's grown--OR WORSE they sound like tomorrow's porn stars. And the boys--They'll fit right in if they are future hair salon employees;-)

And in case a freeper out there is wondering, our kids are named Melissa and Ryan. Funny thing is that their names are starting to stand out in the sea of Brittney's and Caitlin's and Dakota's and Hunter's;-)

[Centurion2000]

You forgot the other hilarious Onion article on that page ....

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

NOGALES, MEXICO—After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday. "I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico." Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.

[ricpic]

I haven't heard the name "Chester" for years. I like it!

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Couldn't agree more. My dad was named Chester. Either abbreviation, "Chet" or "Ches," is good. It's a virile name. But it seems to be almost completey gone. I think it may be hanging on by a thread in some of the southern states.
I believe it is derived from the Roman name for a fortress.

[ricpic]

Congratulations on naming your son Chester. My dad had that name. It's a solid, virile name.