What would Jesus drive? Oh, please

All this week in Detroit, we've seen sober, serious newspaper articles and TV reports about the "What Would Jesus Drive?" campaign by some religious leaders.

Their stated aim is to persuade auto companies to make cleaner, more efficient vehicles.

The clerics got to meet with automotive big shots like Ford Motor Co. Chairman William Clay Ford Jr.

Why? Because the auto big shots are so desperate for customers that they feel compelled to be nice to every group with an agenda that can muster some attention.

When the clerics left, the auto big shots said, "Who were those goofballs and why were we having that cockamamy discussion?"

A silly question

The question is so silly it wouldn't get a blink of notice, except that it's a catchy derivative of the "What would Jesus do?" slogan popular on bracelets in recent years.

Nothing in the Bible provides much clue to what wheels Jesus would want if he were among us today.

Jesus and his disciples rode in boats. And Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. But he didn't say anything for the ages about his transportation philosophy. Certainly nothing that corresponds to the message in TV ads from the Interfaith Climate and Energy Campaign.

The ads show traffic-clogged roads and a child breathing with an inhaler, demonstrating, I suppose, that the Big Bad Car Companies are killing children. (I assume the ads don't mention dramatic improvements in U.S. air quality during the past three decades, due in part to much lower vehicle emissions.)

A couple of the self-righteous clerics drive hybrid gas-electric Toyota Prius cars, implying that Jesus might make a similar choice if he were here today.

But how do we know Jesus would drive at all? Maybe he'd stick to bicycling, or striding through the countryside with a walking stick, like Gandhi did in India. Maybe he'd have two big honking sport-utility-vehicles, so he could schlepp all the disciples around with him. Maybe he'd drive only 50 miles per hour on the freeway, the most fuel-efficient speed. But if so, what would he think of all those people on I-94 flipping him the bird?

A paramount moral issue?

Point is, if we're going to moralize from the pulpits about our driving choices, what's next?

He didn't mind a little vino; the Bible tells us he turned water into wine for a wedding and took a nip himself at the Last Supper. How would he feel about malt liquor or Jell-O shots? (Muslims, for the record, believe Jesus was a teetotaler.)

Don't get me wrong. Fuel economy and alcohol use are legitimate subjects for public debate. But are they the paramount moral issues of our time?

If Jesus took human form today, he'd find himself in a world of furious ethical debate over cloning, a world of ethnic cleansing, suicide bombings and a looming war in which our smart bombs might kill innocent Iraqi civilians only by the hundreds, instead of by the thousands.

Yet some people think Jesus would care about me driving a Grand Cherokee? Maybe the joke will be on me, but I'll take my chances.

The LORD Jesus Christ will be riding a white horse!

Why doesn't the NCC know this?

I guess they have not read or more important believed the Bible. The NCC thinks they can save the earth from SUVs et al but God is more concern with saving the souls of men. God will create a new heaven and earth. Should we be good stewards of what we have? Sure, we should, but we can not save the earth.

11 ¶ And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. 12 His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. 13 And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. 14 And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean. 15 And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. 16 And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

The thrust of their argument is "What Would Jesus Drive?"

Now, it's not my intent to begin a flame war about the merits of any
particular religious beliefs but this is a question that deserves an
answer, IMHO.

I have come up with several possibilities. This exercise requires that
you suspend belief in the notion that automobile had not yet been
invented in Jesus' time. After all, those who would try to influence car
buying decisions using religious precepts have to be a couple of wafers
short of a communion anyway.

I apologize in advance to any of you who consider this post a form of
blasphemy; I just can't help but formulate these answers...

1. He's got to drive a new SL500. Who amongst us hasn't seen one and
thought "Sweet Jesus, that's a beautiful car!"

2. He might drive an old VW microbus, complete with vinyl flower decals
and a peace symbol painted on the side with a can of spray paint. The
most common likenesses of Jesus depict him with long hair and a
beard...a true representation of the 1960s hippie.

3. It's possible He drives a 1970s GM car with a load of hydraulics
under the hood and in the trunk. He (in this example) lives in East L.A.
and his name is pronounced "Hay-Sueuss" and that tank can lift its
13-inch wheels about three feet off the tarmac.

4. There are those who will declare that the late Janis Joplin got it
right...the Lord DID buy Him a Mercedes Benz. His disciples may have
driven Porsches, however, according to the song.

5. There is a school of thought that insists He would drive either a
minivan or a seven-passenger SUV although this would mean leaving five
of his disciples at home. It is possible, using this thinking and
following it to its natural conclusion, that he actually would drive a
small bus or maybe a 37-foot diesel pusher motorhome, so that they all
could travel together.

6. My personal observation is that he probably drives a late-model
Buick, often in the fast lane of the interstate highway at 55 mph, with
his left blinker flashing for several miles. I know this to be the case
because I've actually heard other drivers shout: "Jesus Christ, get out
of the way!" This is not to be confused with the similar epithet,
"Jesus, where did you learn to drive?" which is perhaps more generic.

Feel free to add your own speculations on this important question. Maybe
collectively we can find an answer to this burning issue.

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TOM WALSH: What would Jesus drive? Oh, please

A silly question

A paramount moral issue?