Workplace Discrimination Against, and Jokes About...well, just about everybody

JoAnn was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children
and a large house. The only relief JoAnn got from her chores was
the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.
The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that JoAnn
loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear
them.

To teach JoAnn a lesson, the other women decided that the next
time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out,
and meet at another home but without her.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, JoAnn started,
"You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload
of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold
find up in Alaska, and they say . . . " Just then, the women all
stood up and started for the door.

JoAnn was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she
understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on,
hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave
until morning!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (turn from your sin).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?", replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two
38's!"

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and one Italian woman.
2 French men and one French woman.
2 German men and one German woman.
2 Greek men and one Greek woman.
2 English men and one English woman.
2 Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
2 Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
2 Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
2 Irish men and one Irish woman.
2 American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and began swimming to another island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry and have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Irishmen divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman won't shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddam cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God forsaken desert island in the middle of nowhere so she could get her nails done and go shopping.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were
going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and
gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of tail in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mother was squealing the whole time!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey last month. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to The food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the United States they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You know it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why, yes I do.

Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...

Demon: That's right!

Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No....

Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

A blonde is going door to door through an upscale neighborhood. She knocks on the door of a large house with a meticulous yard and large carriage house. When the man answers she say’s, “hello. I’m trying to earn some extra cash and was wondering if there are any odd jobs you would like done.”

He thought for a moment and said, “y’know, I’ve been needing to paint this porch for a while. How much would you charge?” She looked around and said, “$50 bucks.” He said, “ok, the paint and brushes are in the garage.” and went in the house. Inside, his wife asked him if she was aware of just how big their porch was before she agreed. He explained she looked it over first.

Two hours later, the blonde knocked on the door. When the man answered she said, “All finished. And since there was plenty of paint, I gave it two coats. Oh, and it’s not a porch, it’s a Lexus.”

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair,Kill Her!!! The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair".

I have read EVERY post in this thread and I am devastated! Not one Dutch joke amongst the lot! As an American whose name originates in Holland, I don't want a generic "how many dutchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb" thing, either! I want tulips, windmills, cheese, stubborness, wooden shoes, or SOMETHING specifically DUTCH!

Of course, there was the little dutch boy who ran into the lesbian bar and stuck his finger in a dyke.

Seriously, though, I need something I can tell in mixed company.....

Three Labs a black, a chocolate and a yellow are in the Vet's waiting room with their owners.

The chocolate asks the yellow: "What are you here for?" The yellow answers: "Because I chew, I chewed on the carpet, on the furniture, on the plants, but the last straw was when I chewed on her $300.00 purse; so I'm here for medication to stop chewing."

The black asks chocolate: "What are you here for? The chocolate lab relies: "Because I pee, I pee everywhere but the finally straw was when I peed on my owneres' bed. Boy was she mad, so she brought me here to get a shot to control my bladder."

The yellow lab asks the black: "So what's your story?"
So the black says: "I'm here because I hump, I hump the chairs, the couch, pillows, legs, but the final straw was when my owner bent over to pick up towel after getting out of the shower...."

"Oh no", scream the yellow and the chocolate, "their going to cut off your nuts!!!!"

"No", replies the black lab "I'm just here to have my nails clipped!"

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.