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To: JURB
An ingrate is on the loose on PSU's campus and the authorities are clueless as to the ingrates identity. This past Saturday, I began my own investigation. I'm happy to announce that I have solved the puzzle, taken from Mad Libs: The Ingrates Edition and completed with the suggestions of Profiling for Dummies, which reveals the identity of PSU's Ingrate (my answers for the blanks are underlined): The ingrate is a white, college aged Caucasian who was born in the Western region of the United States into a suburban and ultra-liberal family. Yet despite all the advantages afforded by his status, the ingrate didn't enjoy a happy childhood. Having grown up with an open ended bank account but a sense of guilt for having money, the ingrate was forced to bear the stigma of "poseur" as a scarlet badge of shame and to endure the feelings of worthlessness it pinned to his heart.

To defend his wounded ego, the ingrate constructed his burgeoning psyche so as to downplay the importance of hard work and accountability as forces of his character. The unintentional result was that he ended up permanently defining himself in the context of those very forces.

Today, for example, he loves to introduce himself as "a socialist" in outward scorn of the capitalists to which he inwardly wishes he belonged. He takes that scorn to the extreme, bragging that he defaced a dictionary just once in life, at the age of 16, and only to clip out the definition of a "socialist": n. 1 : one who advocates or practices socialism (see: thief, looter)

That cutting, from his mother's "New P.C. Dictionary, Revised", remains in his brand name jeans pocket to this day, worn soft and almost furry from ceaseless coddling. Without a doubt, the obsessive-compulsive stroking of his "fuzzy" pet serves to alleviate the dissonance he experiences as a symptom of his numerous superiority complexes.

Until recently, this behavior effectively reduced his dissonance to a manageable level. Now, however, the ingrate's feelings of superiority are so consuming that they demand nothing short of everyones attention as a distraction.

The ingrate's feelings of superiority first began to fester uncontrollably in high school. The ingrate attended a government run school where he was accepted because of the schools dominant liberal slant. There, surrounded by students infinitely less enlightened than himself (or so he thought), the ingrate felt as a Norweigan in Mexico must -- extremely large. In the West, he had always been able to amuse his fellow students atop his "Worker empowerment" and "From each to each" stilts, but in the more Liberal North West, his poseuristic circus act entertained no one.

His inevitable social ostracism at college served to steep his contempt for wealth and for those who possess it. Thanks to multiple liberal arts classes and many P.C. rallys, hosted by professors, the ingrate is about to graduate on time and has been invited to join the Democratic Party (again see: thief, looter) with the hope of creating a more level playing field. Precisely because the ingrate has never been forced to make a living, he is becoming the ideal party member, derationalized by the repetitiveness of his propoganda sessions.

After the joining the democrat party, the ingrate will volunteer for various meaningless jobs secured for him through the welfare arm of the democratic party. He will remain in the relative obscurity of socialist America unless his megalomanical belief that he, above all others, deserved to be in a position of national power and attention.

The ingrate's rationalization of this belief is one part Marxism and two parts guilt -- those born into wealth and prestige should be forced to help others because poor people are incapable of helping themselves. And besides the wealthy owe their wealth to the workers. This constant need to prove himself and the sinking feeling that others spotlights are not bright enough ultimately will drive him to dust off his Mein Kampf and make a name for himself in Washington by forcing things. But he doesn't do it for a love of people -- he does it for the media coverage.

24 posted on 10/23/2002 4:47:42 PM PDT by EBUCK
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To: EBUCK
BEAUTIFUL job of PARAPHRASING
30 posted on 10/23/2002 10:09:58 PM PDT by Alberta Pride
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