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Why Men Won't Commit: Men's Atitudes About Sex, Dating and Marriage
National Marriage Project (Rutgers University) ^ | 2002 | Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe

Posted on 10/22/2002 11:24:51 AM PDT by shrinkermd

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To: Z in Oregon
To have judges follow what you say, you would need to bring a court case seeking to affirm that principle, . .

Or make it the only issue to appeal. I don't expect it would be decided be our state supreme court, but it raises an issue of due process for the federal courts. I have been principally engaged in child support issues and litigation involving a little known family protection provision in the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C. 1301(d)), in addition to a federal action to strike down Minnesota's Battered Women's Act (see my web site). A few here have raised the fathers natural right to guardianship argument in various pleadings, but we have not yet made a focussed argument. It would be best to find someone who has just been served a petition for divorce to challenge the courts taking jurisdiction of a custody issue without a parental fitness hearing and decision. That could tie up everything, or give pause for the petitioner's reconsideration, which is the whole point.

I have a great deal of research done on older decisions that affirmed this position, and the history of decisions that gradually made it look like the "best interest" review was required (under probate authority) rather than "grave and weighty" reasons for interfering with a father's natural rights. The cases cited became those that found the father's unfitness, or some danger to the child were it to be left in his care. The rest seems to be due to uneducated lawyers, or an intentional perversion of the process.

501 posted on 10/30/2002 12:30:21 PM PST by right2parent
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To: Z in Oregon
To have judges follow what you say, you would need to bring a court case seeking to affirm that principle, . .

Or make it the only issue to appeal. I don't expect it would be decided be our state supreme court, but it raises an issue of due process for the federal courts. I have been principally engaged in child support issues and litigation involving a little known family protection provision in the Social Security Act (42 U.S.C. 1301(d)), in addition to a federal action to strike down Minnesota's Battered Women's Act (see my web site). A few here have raised the fathers natural right to guardianship argument in various pleadings, but we have not yet made a focussed argument. It would be best to find someone who has just been served a petition for divorce to challenge the courts taking jurisdiction of a custody issue without a parental fitness hearing and decision. That could tie up everything, or give pause for the petitioner's reconsideration, which is the whole point.

I have a great deal of research done on older decisions that affirmed this position, and the history of decisions that gradually made it look like the "best interest" review was required (under probate authority) rather than "grave and weighty" reasons for interfering with a father's natural rights. The cases cited became those that found the father's unfitness, or some danger to the child were it to be left in his care. The rest seems to be due to uneducated lawyers, or an intentional perversion of the process. It is, however, still the law.

502 posted on 10/30/2002 12:36:19 PM PST by right2parent
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To: right2parent
Sorry about the tripple post. Connection sucks.
503 posted on 10/30/2002 12:40:40 PM PST by right2parent
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To: SauronOfMordor
In their 30's, women have the incentive to ditch men they don't see as living up to their expectations, while the woman still is young-and-pretty enough to trade-up.

That's why the "money card" is backed up with father custody.

504 posted on 10/30/2002 12:47:16 PM PST by right2parent
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To: Lilly
I don't consider being aware of society's ill treatment of women and children being "brainwashed." And I'm sorry that you and others here aren't realists. I don't go out of my way for specific studies, I just engage myself in past, history, present news, and observances of my own experiences of family, friends in my life.
117


You still haven't figured it out yet - you find what you seek. You are one of those women who is fascinated with 'bad boys', and finds them, and they are 'bad'.

You just haven't gotten to the next step, going after the 'boring', nice guys you continually rejected, to raise your mistakes.

Or you just skipped on to the next stage, 'all men are slime' except queers.

Look into the mirror, and find out why you keep finding 'bad guys' - what you seek, and ask yourself, 'why do I seek them?'
505 posted on 10/30/2002 4:55:55 PM PST by XBob
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To: Lilly
history of violence - in violent domenstic conflicts, women struck the first blow 80% of the time.
506 posted on 10/30/2002 5:02:20 PM PST by XBob
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To: Z in Oregon
The benevolent dictator model was never really successful. Most people (and most women) would prefer to live in mutually dependent and equivalent partnerships rather than rely on the benevolency of a supposed superior.

Too, caste systems of social organization (of all kinds) have consistently been left behind for better systems over the long span of history. I see no reason to cling to them.

Look at all of the societies that prosper today vs. those which don't. Those with rigid class and gender assignment with little social mobility or self determination allowed (for those in the regulated castes) are not doing very well. It's plain to see that egalitarianism and individual rights, the bedrock of Western social frameworks, have yeilded the greatest rewards (not perfect of course, but relative to other systems, more perfect).

I don't think you'd want to have your hands tied behind your back and hope someone else fulfills their social role to "protect" you.
507 posted on 10/30/2002 6:22:20 PM PST by Lorianne
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To: SauronOfMordor
The "bad boy" essentially says to women "You're not so special. I don't need to get down on my knees to you, because

I can replace you with someone even better in a minute, if I decide to exert the energy". This hits women right in the ego,

and forces many to think "Oh yeah? Well I can treat you so nice you would not even THINK of looking at another woman!"

Exactly!

508 posted on 10/30/2002 6:37:38 PM PST by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: SauronOfMordor
It also depends a lot on their ages. In their 30's, women have the incentive to ditch men they don't see as living up to their expectations, while the woman still is young-and-pretty enough to trade-up. My friends who got screwed were in their 30's In their 40's, it's a different story. A successful man in his 40's or 50's has a better chance of trading-in his wife for a woman in her 30's, than the wife has in finding a replacement for him

Another way to put it:

As a woman ages, her stock goes down.

As a man ages, his stock goes up.

509 posted on 10/30/2002 6:58:52 PM PST by IDontLikeToPayTaxes
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To: IDontLikeToPayTaxes
People who's idea of human relationships is that they are nothing but a brinkmanship game deserve what they get. IMO of course.
510 posted on 10/30/2002 7:21:06 PM PST by Lorianne
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To: Lorianne
The benevolent dictator model was never really successful.

And yet so many women, pleased with the Matriarchy America has degenerated into in 2002, want that. Flip through some of these "conversation of the sexes" threads, and look how many women embrace the advantage that the current system provides them, telling men that if they'd just be good, and please every whim of the women they're with perfectly, be "sensitive" et al, why, they'll never need to worry about the consequences of an unfair system. Embracing a Matriarchal "benevolent dictatorship" is exactly what they're asking of men. It doesn't work: look around. The more matriliineal society becomes, the more of a wreck it becomes.

Most people (and most women) would prefer to live in mutually dependent and equivalent partnerships rather than rely on the benevolency of a supposed superior.

Cute theory.

Actually, I used to be an egalitarian, until I realized that egalitarianism is something the masses don't comprehend. Also, it tends to be a cloak for one-sided agendas; I'd rather just be honest and advocate the agenda I advocate without any cloaking.

Too, caste systems of social organization (of all kinds) have consistently been left behind for better systems over the long span of history.

Let's be honest: it has always been cyclical. One caste system gets replaced by some idealistic new vision, which in relatively short order gets replaced by a new caste system, which foments resentment, which becomes rebellion, and the cycle repeats, ad infinitum, It has not been a line: for better or for worse, it has been a circle.

Look at all of the societies that prosper today vs. those which don't.

Uh, can you name one that does? If you're planning on saying the USA, can you honestly say that the USA is prosperous in terms of intact families, society's most critical barometer, vs. 50 years ago?

Those with rigid class and gender assignment with little social mobility or self determination allowed (for those in the regulated castes) are not doing very well.

That is too broad of a contention: if some sets of rules are counterproductive, does that mean that, therefore, counterproductivity is intrinsic to any set of rules? You have over-extrapolated.

It's plain to see that egalitarianism and individual rights, the bedrock of Western social frameworks, have yeilded the greatest rewards (not perfect of course, but relative to other systems, more perfect).

The more matrilineal (fatherless, fatherhood de-emphasized) society becomes, the less it becomes about legitimate Constitutional rights, and the more it becomes about what groups like NOW want.

I don't think you'd want to have your hands tied behind your back and hope someone else fulfills their social role to "protect" you.

The road that the NOW crowd has set America on is the worst road that America could be on. I offer something better. What I want is a better, more concrete and reliable set of contracts governing the transactions between men and women than the patricidal feminist subjective hogstwaddle that is encoded in law and case law now.

I want every fit father in this nation to know that his kids will live with him whether they were concieved and/or born pre-maritally, extramaritally, maritally, maritally followed by divorce, or postmaritally. I want an end to all involuntary transfers of wealth, assets, and property from men to women.

What do you want? Not in the sense of wanting to see everyone love and respect each other; in the sense of on-paper, concrete public policy.

???

511 posted on 10/30/2002 7:23:51 PM PST by Z in Oregon
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To: longtermmemmory
"p***y is made of gold".

Well, it certainly is not made of gold, but far more expensive. It is the most expensive commodity in history, and has cost men more than everything else in history has cost.

Think about it. One thing, which has cost more than everything else combined.
512 posted on 10/30/2002 8:28:45 PM PST by XBob
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To: XBob
And why?
513 posted on 10/30/2002 11:14:28 PM PST by Z in Oregon
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To: sonserae
"I can offer a lot and do...I don't expect anything that I can't offer myself. Men are born selfish...it's not in a man's nature to think outside of himself and his needs. It's in a woman's nature to take care and nurture and think of others besides themselves. Sometimes you finally realize that you have been giving and they have been taking the whole time. Suddenly you are exhausted physically and emotionally because you have been taking care of others and no one has taken care of you."
338

I guess men have been traditionally, throughout history, working so hard, and have been so selfish as to give up supporting their wives and children by dying early, years before their wives.

Men are really selfish. </sarcasm>
514 posted on 10/31/2002 2:35:28 AM PST by XBob
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To: sonserae
"The women I know are longing for a man...a strong man...who knows what it is to be protective and kind and to feel safe with. The grown men now have little boy personalities. They've never matured on the inside. Most women I know have felt that relationships with men lately are only burdensome. It is just work for the woman...to take care of the man and his needs...with not much reciprocation. Since we earn our own money, we are looking for some characteristics besides the material and financial that the man can offer. Unfortunately, the plate is empty when it comes to that."
358

You are a bit younger than me, who was around for women's 'equality'.

I never could figure out why women wanted to be 'equal', and come down to our level.

You are now reaping what your mother's have sewn.

It's sad.

515 posted on 10/31/2002 2:53:33 AM PST by XBob
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To: libertylass
"It's sad, I think, that men and women can't merge more smoothly. I don't think I will ever engage in another relationship, and I'm only 48."
370

I have spent a lot of time overseas and the major reason foreign wives are prefered by American men is that the foreign women make men feel like men, and not like competition.
516 posted on 10/31/2002 3:08:55 AM PST by XBob
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To: libertylass
"It's sad, I think, that men and women can't merge more smoothly. I don't think I will ever engage in another relationship, and I'm only 48."
370

This may help - try thinking of relationships with men as yin and yang (if you don't understand this, look it up) - men and women are not equal, but symetrical and complementary, just like our sexual equipment - one goes in where the other goes out, and you make a good connection.


517 posted on 10/31/2002 3:15:55 AM PST by XBob
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To: Desdemona
"BTW, where are the guys who know how to treat women like ladies and not sides of beef in a meat shop?"
380

your mothers shot them (the gentlemen), when they (your mothers) were achieving 'equality', and brought you down to the level of men.

In fact, they did such a good job at killing them that even the term 'gentleman' today is mostly used for crooks and politicians, instead of those who treat 'ladies' properly.

Besides, to be treated like a 'lady', women must first be 'ladies', instead of 'one of the boys'.
518 posted on 10/31/2002 3:30:40 AM PST by XBob
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To: Desdemona; Happygal
BTW, where are the guys who know how to treat women like ladies and not sides of beef in a meat shop?

Taken, I believe. ;)

Regards, Ivan

519 posted on 10/31/2002 3:33:44 AM PST by MadIvan
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To: Lorianne
The benevolent dictator model was never really successful. Most people (and most women) would prefer to live in mutually dependent and equivalent partnerships rather than rely on the benevolency of a supposed superior.

As Z_in_Oregon has pointed out, what we currently have, as far as divorce goes, is the "women as benevolent dictator" model. This is exactly why men are losing interest.

A truly "equivalent" partnership would have men getting custody 50% of the time. It doesn't happen. As somebody else originally put it, for men, marriage these days is like sharing a bed with somebody holding a nuke, and wondering when she's going to use it.

The bottom line: if marriage has more risks and hassles than rewards, from the male perspective, then men WON'T GET MARRIED. You can rail all you want about this meaning that men are selfish and immature and all that, but the fact remains that men won't get into situations with major downsides if alternatives exist. (And alternatives DO exist)

There was actually a better effective balance of power a couple of generations ago. Divorce courts favored the women then too, but everyone concerned operated under the reality that, if they pushed the man too far, he had the option of disappearing and starting over elsewhere under a different name. In the computerized age, this is no longer an option

The whole point of my original essay was that men will energeticly provide for the future IF they are motivated, and that you cannot compel that kind of motivation. It has a price tag attached. If women don't want to pay the price, then they should get off the checkout line

They should also prepare to endure the environment that a matrilineal society produces.

The whole situation with some women reminds me of the Russian Bolsheviks. They decided that the capitalist system was unfair to workers, that workers were oppressed and exploited, that it was possible to create a system where everyone was equal, and the State would enforce the equaliity. Everyone would then live in Paradise

After tens of millions of State-committed deaths later, and 70 years of poverty, they finally were convinced that tossing out workable incentive systems was a bad idea

520 posted on 10/31/2002 3:53:40 AM PST by SauronOfMordor
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