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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were
given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of
sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be
pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."

The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the
husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant,
the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife
and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with
a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by
one began to tell their stories

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a big bump in the road and all
the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the
teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my
Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm
and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all
she had was a bottle of whiskey,a machine gun
and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete till
the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what
kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that
horrible story?"

"Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been
drinking."