I understand what you are trying to say here.
But, for your sake, I hope that you either live in some sort of Pleasantville where the police are still (at least semi) functional or you're up-to-speed and speaking tongue-in-cheek...
The police in the nearest town of any size from where I live couldn't find their asses with both hands, and I'm fully persuaded that this is not a unique situation in early 21st Century America.