Lay off the cats, hey? If I learn of you hurting one I'll spray your house myself.
In all seriousness I know guys like to hate cats. I did too for a long time, until on a lark I got one for a pet after a nasty relationship ended. They are the true conservatives of the animal world. They will only give affection when it is genuine, they will fend for themselves if they have to, and they support "property rights".
Not to mention they practice concealed carry.
a.cricket
What hatred, what cruelty must reside in the heart of good ‘ol putupon that he would see no wrong in the dispatch of such warm and fuzzy critters known as cats to their just reward? Could it be that not being under the spell of such creatures, an enchantment induced by a purr from innards of an animal incased in lovely fur, that his senses of sight and smell reveal the real truth about such animals?
Consider, if you will, the actions of 2 cats, one orange and one gray, on putupon’s property.
In the pipe, under putupon’s driveway reside a population of bull frogs. For many generations these bull frogs have lived in peace and harmony, delighting the children of his neighborhood. Children in college now, majoring in biology, acquired their first love of nature by observing these fine amphibians as pre-schoolers. The tradition continues to this day. Today, children in strollers on their daily walks, insist their parents stop to see these creatures as they sun at the ends of the pipe. Some get quite large, and the children give them names. The biggest one always seems to get the name of Kermit.
The frogs always like to leave the safety of their pipe when it rains, especially at night, and the two aforementioned cats take advantage of this. They sneak over while the frogs are vulnerable, and tease them, enjoying their helplessness, able only to take short hops in a feeble attempt to escape.
On a dark and stormy night last spring, putupon had to take a video back to Blockbuster. Caution had to be exercised while leaving as Kermit himself was out, enjoying one the last rains we have seen around here for a while, in the middle of the driveway.
Returning from the Blockbuster about 10 minutes later, there was the gray cat, tormenting Kermit. When putupon stopped his car at the driveway entrance, the gray cat, realizing the fun part of his endeavors were about to end, grabbed Kermit and started to run. Putupon was by this time out of the car giving chase. Gray cat, in the excitement of the minute, dropped Kermit and escaped into the night.
Shattered and shaken, an upset putupon picked up the stunned and lacerated Kermit, gently placed him in water at the end of the pipe, went inside and told Mrs. putupon the bad news. The evening prayers that night focused mainly on Kermit’s recovery from the merciless assault by the gray cat.
Alas, Kermit’s return to health was not to be. Putupon arrived home from work the following evening, only to find little Ashley and Jerry, the four and five year olds from next door, and six of their playmates whom their mother keeps during the day, in an extreme state agitation, bawling uncontrollably at downhill end of the pipe (which is near the property line with Ashley and Jerry’s house.)
Yes, you guessed it, there at the end of the pipe lay an upside down and very dead Kermit; fatal gashes, eviscerated organs exposed in the afternoon sun for all to see, destroying the innocence of helpless children.
The next day was the orange cat’s turn.
The large crepe myrtle in the front yard is the favorite of cardinals. They love to eat the numerous buds before they blossom. A couple had decided to build a nest there. We delighted when three babies appeared in the nest. Proud parents busily rounded up bugs from the yard, returning to the nest with them to feed their impatient chirping young.
Sitting where I am now, at my computer, I glanced out the window just as the orange cat pounced on the cardinal. By the time I got to scene, the cat as 50 feet away running south, leaving behind only a bright red spot of feathers and blood, a few miscellaneous entrails, and an extremely distraught screeching mother cardinal, hoping from branch to branch in despair. The difficulties of a widowed mother cardinal to feed and raise three babies were not to last long, however, for the next day the nest was found on the ground, babies gone. The crime was not witnessed, yet the prime suspect remains the orange cat.
Over the summer, these two cats have been responsible for the known deaths of two additional carolina wrens, three robins, and a fly catcher that has a crest that looks like a Mohawk haircut who returns every year in the spring from South America. We are sure going to miss him next year. It was always fun to watch his amazing aerobatics as he chased the flies.
In addition to the frogs and birds ,these and other cats have also been caught in the past victimizing lizards, small snakes, and chipmunks. All this murder and mayhem in one yard, repeated daily in others across the Nation.
Those who see real nature of cats recognize that they are demons from Hell, sent to earth by Satan himself. They, like all the Devil’s works, come disguised in attractive packaging, in order to dupe gullible people into become their keepers and protectors.. Yes, these deceptive creatures use their false beauty to ensnare people in the grip of Satan. Shave a cat bald, and the attractive packaging disappears. Their true appearance becomes remarkably similar to that of the gargoyles on the exterior of ancient cathedrals, an accurate representation of hellish demons.
Once tricked into the service of the Devil, these keepers of the cats begin to behave irrationally. Some collect ten, twenty, or more of these imps and demons. They let them have free reign of their houses, even letting them track bacteria and other filth which collects on their paws across kitchen counter tops and dining room tables, and spreading a foul odor which permeates to the very framing of the abode, yet oblivious to the fact that friends and relatives alike always have an excuse for not being able to accept invitations to their homes.
Yes, under the spell of these nasty creatures known as cats, these selfish and inconsiderate people let the animals out to roam far and wide, spraying pee, spreading disease, and murdering innocent wildlife.
Anyone who acts to protect their property from the assault is labeled cruel and inhuman by the perpetrators and enablers of demons. This is a tactic used by numerous agents of Satan in various endeavors. Clintons blame Vast Right Wing Conspirators, Republicans, Ken Starr, Linda Tripp, and so on for their misdeeds. Islamists blame the west for having to terrorize us. Blame the victim, the poor fellow who has nightmares caused by the gruesome nature of a necessary task. Must be in the first chapter of Demonology 101.