Honestly. The oldest are in college on full scholarship, attend to religious duties voluntarily and consistently, do not use drugs or engage in other destructive behavior, and are a joy to be around. We have never received an angry telephone call from another parent complaining that our children did "this or that" or were a bad influence on their own kids. Neither have we ever received a midnight call from the police.
On all our children we have always gotten independent confirmation from other adults that they are well-behaved, disciplined, hard-working kids when my wife and I aren't there to watch.
An exception? Not really. It depends on the crowd you run with, I guess. I know many parents who have had kids turn out the same way or better, who similarly employed disciplinary methods that did not include physical beatings or even more than rare bottom-swat spankings. I prefer to socialize with such people; I don't care to spend much time with people who beat their children.
Let me give you an example of how I worked the drug issue with my oldest kids when they were pre-teens. We went on a family outing together and had a great time. We sat down on the grass in a beautiful park and talked about drugs quite frankly. My kids opened and told me about the pressures they were already seeing in school. They already knew my stand on drugs because my wife and I had consistently voiced our disapproval of drugs from the time when they were very little and always tried hard to model not just anti-drug behavior, but the virtues of delayed self-gratification (e.g., saving up and sacrificing short-term gain for long-term advantage). We discussed ways they could respond if someone tried to get them to use drugs. At the end of our discussion I invoked the sacred and special nature of our family and our heritage. I said, "Others may choose to use drugs, but we're the Currys, and we don't. Let's us Currys pledge to each other right now that the Currys will never use drugs." We all joined our hands together as a family and "shook" on it. Sure it sounds corny, but my kids remember it to this very day. And they are drug free.
An alternative method would have been for me to threaten to skin my kids alive if I ever found them using drugs, a threat reinforced by frequent beatings for every other glass of spilled milk or slight act of disobedience. Call me silly, but I don't believe that would have worked as well.
My father was this way towards me.
Although it's true that many children that suffer through this type of behavior come away with a resolve that "I will never be like that" and follow through (I'm proof) the evidence is, sadly, that most child abusers were themselves abused.
Your example was particularly poignant to me because a few years before my father died, we were eating in a restaurant and a child at another table knocked over his drink his parents were angry and started yelling.
My father said:
"You know, when you were little I acted the same way. But I was with David the other day (my nephew... his grandson) and he spilt his milk and I just laughed and ordered him another one.That's as close to an apology as my father could possibly grant.I don't know why I reacted that way with you.
Doesn't seem important now."
After 40 years, we finally became father and son.
No, that doesn't sound corny. I like it.
Thanks for the response. My parents divorced when I was 4, and I did not grow up with the type of family bond you described. But it appeals to me. Still, I don't think it's cynical of me to notice a modern tendency to "spare the rod" as being a violation of God's wisdom.
I don't consider this "beating" by the way. Spanking is appropriate where beating is not.
Perhaps you are just blessed with children that didn't need much corporal punishment. I take it you never divorced and remarried either? That's a plus.
You do have me pondering here, Mr. Curry! I have some extremely gentle Christian friends who I cannot imagine being better parents. Even they, though, have been diligent from the cradle to teach their little ones obediance and—sure enough!—they have needed it. I know they will administer spankings when appropriate...because Scripture says so (we've discussed it).
I also know many others who have ZILCH influence over their children who, curiously, don't believe in spanking. It's these glaring examples all around me that still have me convinced you are an exception.