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Darwin Awards 2002

Posted on 09/10/2002 3:33:51 AM PDT by h.a. cherev

Yes, here it is: the Darwin Awards 2002. The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting KILLED in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!


In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, DE., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.


In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit him in the head, fracturing his skull

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.


Kerry Bingham of Tacoma, WA. had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.


Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt of Paderborn, Germany, fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt.....

What a way to go....

1 posted on 09/10/2002 3:33:51 AM PDT by h.a. cherev
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To: h.a. cherev
The elephant story remind me of an old joke:

A man is sitting on a city bus. The bus pulls up to a stop and on boards another man completely covered, from head to toe, in dung. Sure enough, he sits right next to the first guy.

After suffering through a few minutes of the ungodly smell the first guy asks him what's up with the filth.
"Well," says the poop covered man, "I work for the zoo and my job is to take care of the elephants. Today one of the elephants was constipated so I had to get my ladder, climb up behind him and give him an enema. Unfortunately I wasn't able to get out of the way quick enough and.....well, you can see what happened."

"That's horrible!", exclaimed the first rider, "why don't you find another job."

Shocked, the zoo keeper looked and him and replied, " What! And quit show-biz?"

2 posted on 09/10/2002 3:55:56 AM PDT by PaulJ
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To: h.a. cherev; Prodigal Daughter; Thinkin' Gal; happygrl; bearsgirl90; Fred Mertz; shaggy eel; ...
Some accidents have all the earmarks of being the judgment of God upon someone.  Here's one that causes one to wonder:

Man Dead in Cesspool Accident (DEA Agent)

Sept. 4, 2001 -- HUNTINGTON, N.Y. (AP) - A man who had been practicing archery in the back yard with his two children died when his cesspool caved in and swallowed him, police said.  Michael Lobasso, 35, a U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration agent, was standing on the ground above the cesspool when it gave way at about 12:40 p.m. Monday, Suffolk County police said.

Searchers located his body a few hours later, but worked throughout the night to remove it because the walls of the 18-foot-deep cesspool were crumbling on top of the quicksand-like pool, police said.  The body was recovered at about 6:30 a.m. Tuesday, Detective Sgt. Arthur Ahl said.

"The more they dug, the worse the body actually got stuck,'" he said.  When rescue crews arrived, they found a 3-foot-wide hole that grew to about 15 feet across as they searched, Huntington Manor Fire Chief Charles Hoffman said.  Fire officials told Newsday they didn't see any construction or digging that could have caused the cesspool to cave in.

3 posted on 09/10/2002 3:56:28 AM PDT by 2sheep
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To: h.a. cherev
As most of these turn out to be hoaxes (the zookeeper story was debunked months ago), I always take these lists with a grain of salt. However, they are still interesting reading.
4 posted on 09/10/2002 4:04:09 AM PDT by Junior
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To: h.a. cherev
Definition of a "womb". The sound of an elephant fart,,,,ah...womb!
5 posted on 09/10/2002 4:06:57 AM PDT by Waco
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To: 2sheep
"when his cesspool caved in and swallowed him"

As a young man in my late teens I was a volunteer fireman. One night we got a call just down the road from my house, it was an elderly man trapped in a cesspool. It seems that this gentleman had fallen through the cover to his cesspool the day before, but he lived alone and no one notice him missing. His son got suspicious when no one answered the phone, so he drove over and found dad, up to his chest in sewage.

We bridged the hole with two ladders, and lucky me got to trundle out and pull him free. I got this august privilege because I lived within walking distant of the mans house, about ½ mile, so it was reasoned that I could walk home and not contaminate anyone’s car or truck. After pulling him free, I proceeded to get hosed off and walk home, where my pants and shirt went directly into the trash can. I went directly into the shower.

He survived the ordeal, bit was never quite right again, the doctors said he had a small stroke due to the exposure. It was determined that he had spent over 30 hours in this pit.

I swear the ambulance he was transported in smelled like sewage until it was retired. But, others in the department think it was just me that smelled that way :).

6 posted on 09/10/2002 4:41:54 AM PDT by MrNeutron1962
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To: h.a. cherev
The elephant dung story has been around for at least five years and has anyway been exposed as a hoax.

Weekly World News reenacted this event for a spoof photo featuring celebrities Rosie O'Donnell and Helen Thomas.

7 posted on 09/10/2002 4:51:59 AM PDT by Alouette
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To: Alouette
There is an old joke about what a redneck's last words are:
"Hey, everybody, watch this!" Turns out it's true. At a lake near where I live, bunch of guys were fishing and drinking. One says, "Hey, look at this!" and swallows a live fish. Got stuck in his throat and choked him to death.

8 posted on 09/10/2002 5:10:23 AM PDT by Trickyguy
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To: Alouette
Well, I know that the elephant is Rosie O'Donnell, and the pile of poop is Helen Thomas, but WHO is the poor schmuck under Helen.
9 posted on 09/10/2002 5:19:28 AM PDT by Wonder Warthog
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To: Wonder Warthog
but WHO is the poor schmuck under Helen.


10 posted on 09/10/2002 5:50:46 AM PDT by Chad Fairbanks
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To: h.a. cherev
bump for later.
11 posted on 09/10/2002 6:27:28 AM PDT by eureka!
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To: h.a. cherev
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, DE., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

I'd have to vote for this one.

12 posted on 09/10/2002 6:35:58 AM PDT by Steve0113
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To: h.a. cherev
There are a lot of "Darwin Award" websites these days. Some are more careful and hoax-free than others. What's your source?
13 posted on 09/10/2002 6:37:41 AM PDT by Snuffington
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To: Snuffington
It was emailed to me.
14 posted on 09/10/2002 8:22:54 AM PDT by h.a. cherev
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To: Waco
Well, since you've introduced the concept to this thread:

Q: What's the difference between an elephant fart and a cocktail lounge?

A: A cocktail lounge is a bar-room. An elephant fart is a bar-ROOM!
15 posted on 09/10/2002 12:09:57 PM PDT by RightOnTheLeftCoast
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