Nursing heartbreak: Megan Weiss saw horror of 9/11 firsthand; today, she can't escape despair

Thank-you for your kind response.

Most of the people I know who have been directly affected by the attack on the WTC have had the feeling of living in a petri dish. The outpouring of sympathy has been great, but at the same time, it has come with intense scrutiny. People are hungry to understand what survivors and recovery personnel have gone through and are interested in as many details as possible. You won't hear this on the news, of course, but media inquiries are routine and as we have gotten closer to 09/11/2002, nearly relentless (at least for the folks I know, though I'm sure their experience isn't too different from others). I feel fortunate not only to not have been at the WTC then but also to be insulated from the attention now, though when people find out that I have friends who survived, and friends who didn't, I get a taste of how personal and painful that attention can be. I rarely talk about it for this reason- I'm sympathetic to human curiosity and the search for understanding, but the questions can be excrutiating.

I believe the focus of this attention on the survivors, recovery workers and their families as well as the families of the victims, has been an impediment to their own grieving process. I believe that once we, as a nation, begin to move on from 09/11, the people most directly affected can begin to move on as individuals. At this point, the folks I know are barely beginning to deal with their personal experience with 09/11, let alone wrestle with larger issues, such as God. I have no doubt that some will embrace faith again (or for the first time), but I think all have had their personal faiths, or lackthereof, forever changed.

For now, it seems to be a struggle to put one foot in front of the other and get through each day.

Lots of people who had a connection to the horor at the WTC had their faith shaken, if not obliterated. I'm not trying to say that they are right, or that they are wrong, but I think that this is a symptom of the terrible trauma they endured. Maybe that's why this woman doesn't mention faith at all. Maybe it's too difficult for her, at this point, to reconcile belief in a benevolent god with belief in an omnipotent god that allowed, or even caused, 09/11.

You raise some very good points and provoke some thought. I can see the validity of your explanation of why this woman has sunk into depression and doesn't find refuge in faith.

And yet that's not the whole explanation either, is it? There have been horrendous traumas all through history--this isn't the first time there has been a slaughter--and such things cause some people to lose faith while others do not. I know people who lived through the Holocaust, and it strengthened their Judaism. I also lost someone at the Pentagon, and know that her husband's faith has only been deepened. People have survived the massacres of Cambodia, earthquakes in which thousands were simultaneously killed, torture, pogroms. I guess it's as they say: if your faith can't survive testing, it's not a deep faith.

It's natural to be angry with God when life turns to waking nightmare. I've been pretty furious with Him myself at times. But God didn't make those skyscrapers fall down, and God didn't promise us that horrible, horrible things would never happen on this earth. Eventually we have to get over our anger with Him, because while we distance ourselves from Him, we're only hurting ourselves.

I'm sorry for the pontificating. I wasn't at the World Trade Center and didn't get burned in the Pentagon so maybe I have no right to say anything. Gee, I don't know how I would respond to such evil. It's just that I feel so deeply sorry for these people and I know that the only thing that heals fully and deeply is the love of God, so it makes things so much worse when people turn away from Him in their suffering.

I guess it's as they say: if your faith can't survive testing, it's not a deep faith.

Wow. So in your book, anyone whose faith is shaken by a horrible event didn't have enough faith to begin with. It's not that the cognitive dissonance between a benevolent god and an omnipotent god, it's not that trauma affects this aspect of someone's personality as well as every other aspect, and it's not that profound grief can wrench even the most committed soul free of its moornings. It's simply that those people whose faith is shaken and deeply affected simply didn't believe enough in the first place.

I can't think of a single comment on the aftermath of September 11th that has depressed me as much as this one. I am left shaking my head in astonishment.

So in your book, anyone whose faith is shaken by a horrible event didn't have enough faith to begin with.

I didn't say that. Nor did I imply that I have no sympathy with people who have suffered, since I have done so myself, both emotionally and physically. Nor did I suggest that vast trauma might not derail someone profoundly and cause him to question the very meaning of life.

"Shaken" is different than "lost," however. We can all have our faith shaken in times of agony--we may weep and wonder and feel despair. But one who loses his faith altogether, becomes an atheist and denies that God exists because he doesn't understand how a benevolent God could permit something awful to happen may have had some essential trust missing in his spiritual life beforehand.

My point is, if people just believe in God when things are going well, that's not a profound and unshakeable faith. If they can trust His ultimate good, His wisdom and mercy, even through tragedy, injustice, and suffering--that is faith. I don't claim to have anything so strong and refined. But that sort of faith is attainable, through God's grace--His word has promised us.

Sorry if we disagree on the nature of faith. All I can say is, if this is the toughest thing you've heard in the past year, you're lucky.

At this point, the folks I know are barely beginning to deal with their personal experience with 09/11, let alone wrestle with larger issues, such as God. I have no doubt that some will embrace faith again (or for the first time), but I think all have had their personal faiths, or lackthereof, forever changed.

For now, it seems to be a struggle to put one foot in front of the other and get through each day.

Some may have been still living in the denial and bargaining stages and are reaching the depression and anger just now.

Believe me, sometimes, I had to stop and say my favorite prayer at the time when my husband died, every few minutes. It still hangs in my kitchen.

God, grant me the senrenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

This little AA prayer got me through a lot.

A prayer for today:

Humility is the safeguard of chastity. In the matter of purity, there is no greater danger than not fearing danger. When a person puts himself in an occasion of sin, saying, " I shall not fall", it is almost an infallible sign that he will fall, and with great injury to his soul. We must specifically and regularly pray for God's assistance and not rely on our own strength.

-- St. Phillip Neri

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