Rude, Crude Yankees = Good Useful Idiots

The Patriotist ^ | July 22, 2002 | Al Benson Jr.

[rdb3]

There is no place in the Yankee mindset for grace, courtesy, compassion, consideration of the feelings of others, or for any of those Scriptural virtues that have graced and improved our civilization in the past.

That's a damned lie, and he knows it. What's the difference between Northerners who lump all Southerners together versus a Southerner who lumps all Northerners together?

There is no difference.

[Restorer]

All this crap about "states' rights" and the protection of "liberty"

They indeed believed in these things. Unfortunately, the "states' right" they were most concerned about was the right to keep slaves, and the "liberty" that they felt was threatened was that of enslaving others.

[rdb3]

When the Yankees admit that they were (criminally) wrong and give an abject apology.

Then you'll die an unhappy man cause that will never happen.

[Constitution Day]

25 Ways To Annoy A Yankee

 

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak slower so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk about how great it is up north, tell them "Delta's ready when you are."

6. Talk loudly and often about NASCAR, SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke; every motorcycle as a "Honder," etc.

8. When dining, ALWAYS order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send them a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names (e.g. Lisa Marie, Jim Bob, etc.).

11. Frequently bring up the "War of Northern Aggression" in conversation.
If anyone ever says the words "Civil War," always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and all females as "little lady."

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: "It's "pee-can.""

14. Put Tabasco on everything.

15. Especially for Yankees from New York: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City.
In other words, if they say, "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!," say "Well, I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .Banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba."

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something. Use an "ink pen." Oh yeah, and "barbecue" is a noun, NOT an adjective or a verb.

20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent; they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.

23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions.
"Now go down Jeff Davis Highway just a piece and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into an Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ."
"You said left" "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town. . ."

24. Ask them if its still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

25. Call 'em a Yankee, or better yet a Damn Yankee. Works every time.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

Ok, now imagine where you'd be without nukes. (Invented in the South)

I thought that New Mexico was southwestern, not south...

[HELLRAISER II]

Not that I in anyway agree that all Northernors are idiots, but your perception of the Civil War as a whole is incorrect. Lincoln did what he had to do just as the South did what they had to do, neither was 100% right or wrong. Neither was specifically for or against slavery, it was just a small part in the big picture. As to who's history would be documented correctly, well that's as simple as the victor will write or rewrite the history books as they see fit.

[Cyber Liberty]

Good gravy, not another Lincoln-bashing thread.

Please, God! Make it stop!

[Phantom Lord]

I was waiting for you to show up!

And don't forget. NASCAR, football, and Basketball all come from the NORTH!

Alright, NASCAR didnt, but the cars did.

As far as fresh air goes, why do I keep hearing ozone and health alerts concerning the air here in Raleigh?

And I thought the pronounciation of Pecan depended on if you were a trucker or not a trucker.

[StoneColdGOP]

Ok, now imagine where you'd be without nukes. (Invented in the South)

By old Jewish scientists who were sent there after running from Europe!

[Phantom Lord]

And we dont need to get into how the old south felt about Jews.

[Aurelius]

"Yankee tax dollars paid for rural electrification, which gave you Yankee invented electric light and Yankee invented air conditioning."

Not just any Northerner is a Yankee; there are good Northerners. You should read the article by Clyde Wilson that Benson refers to for a more precise characterization of a Yankee. For example Thomas Edison, who was born in New Jersey, was certainly not a Yankee; the inventor of air-conditioning was a New Yorker, so he doesn't qualify as a Yankee either. It is difficult for me to imagine a Yankee actually making a positive contribution to civilization. There may have been one or two who did, but I certainly can't think of any off hand.

[LenS]

The two places the bomb can claim to be invented are most likely Chicago, IL and Los Alamos, NM.

Lots of places worked on it. My understanding is that southern areas were primarily involved in refinement of the plutomium and uranium, not the development of the bomb from these materials.

Let's not forget all the recent immigrants and refugees from the Nazis that designed and developed the bomb. Or the vast facility in Washington state. To claim the bomb as a Southern invention is as deluded as claiming the Civil War was about tariffs.

[StoneColdGOP]

Those of us in the West and Southwest appreciate your not associating our steer-ropin', oil drillin', gold prospectin', gun-totin' types with those kind folk in the South! :-)

Don't know if we qualify as Yanks though, to anybody but foreigners...

[Aurelius]

"Then you'll die an unhappy man cause that will never happen."

I'll die happy knowing that the Yankees will rot in hell.

[Phantom Lord]

If someone from New York is not a Yankee I have no idea what one has to be or where one must be from to be a Yankee.

How do I determine if I am a Yankee? I am from NY, but that doesnt make me a yankee. So what does or doesnt?

[Cyber Liberty]

Makes sense to me. The second one starts to lose an argument, one starts shifting definitions around. Now we have "good" yankees, "bad" yankees, and then there are the decent folks who happen to, by accident of procreation, live in a state north of the Mason-Dixon line.

How convenient.

[billbears]

Alright, NASCAR didnt, but the cars did.

I seriously doubt it. Most of the shops are down here, the shells are built down here, the engines are built down here(well the parts are more than likely from shops in California, but as they said in Days of Thunder, if you're from California you're not really anything except California did supply Confederate troops), matter of fact most of the car is built down here. Sure the motor vehicle was built in the north but even if the South would have won, it wouldn't have stopped trade.

And BTW, at least we know how to build tracks down here. That crap they raced on yesterday was a JOKE of a racetrack. I'm suprised there weren't more crashes. Where did they get the help to rebuild it? Boston?

[MoJo2001]

I don't give a rat's rear end whether you are a Yankee, Southerner, or somewhere in between..our fight is with these Muslim fanatics that wanna kill us all. Screw the internal hostilities and start recognizing we have bigger TUNA to fry!

[Catspaw]

That Onion story deserves a big reprint:

HUNTSVILLE, AL—For the 135th straight year since Gen. Robert E. Lee's surrender at Appomattox, representatives for the South announced Monday that the region has postponed plans to rise again.

Above: Three of the estimated 45 million Southerners who have not yet gotten around to rising again.

"Make no mistake, the South shall rise again," said Knox Pritchard, president of the Huntsville-based Alliance Of Confederate States. "But we're just not quite ready to do it now. Hopefully, we'll be able to rise again real soon, maybe even in 2001."

Pritchard's fellow Southerners shared his confidence.

"Yes, sir. The South will rise again, and when it does, I'll be right up front waving the Stars and Bars," said Dock Mullins of Decatur, GA. "But first, I gotta get my truck fixed and get that rusty old stove out of my yard."

"Lord willing, and the creek don't rise, we gonna rise again," said Sumter, SC, radiator technician Hap Slidell, who describes himself as "Southern by the grace of God." "I don't know exactly when we're gonna do it, but one of these days, we're gonna show them Yankees how it's done."

"Save your Confederate dollars," Slidell added. "You can bet on that."

The Deep South states of Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, Louisiana, and Tennessee consistently rank at the bottom of the nation in a wide variety of statistical categories, including literacy, infant mortality, hospital beds, toilet-paper sales, and shoe usage. Even so, some experts believe the region could be poised for a renaissance.

"The way things stand, things in the Deep South almost have to get better. Otherwise, the people who live there will devolve into preverbal, overall-wearing sub-morons within a century," said Professor Dennis Lassiter of Princeton University. "Either Southerners will start improving themselves, or they'll be sold to middle-class Asians as pets."

	Above: The Kentucky state capitol.

"My constituents are decent, hard-working folk," said Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, in his 22nd annual "Next Year, By God!" speech on the steps of North Carolina's capitol building. "We are a proud people who mayn't have all that much fancy-pants book-learnin', but we live and die with pride in our proud heritage and the dignity of our forebears."

Helms' speech was met with nearly 25 minutes of enthusiastic hoots and rebel yells by the 15,000 drunk, unemployed tobacco pickers in attendance.

Though Southerners are overwhelmingly in favor of rising again, few were able to provide specific details of the rising-again process.

"I don't know, I reckon we'll build us a bunch of big, fancy buildins and pave us up a whole mess of roads," said Bobby Lee Fuller of Greenville, MS. "I ain't exactly sure where we're gonna get the money for that, but when Johnny Reb sets his mind to something, you best get out of his way."

"Oh, it'll happen, sure as the sun come up in the morning," said Buford Comstock, 26, a student at Over 'N' Back Diesel Driving School in Union City, TN. "The South is gonna rise up, just as soon as we get together and get all our shit back in one sock. Then, look out, Northerners!"

"Yesiree," Comstock added, "one day soon, the Mason-Dixon Line will be the boundary between a great nation and one whose time done passed."

[Aurelius]

"How do I determine if I am a Yankee? I am from NY, but that doesnt make me a yankee."

It's place of birth (New England - although some New England born are decent people, thus honorary non-Yankees)or mindset; you apparently have the mindset. Hope that makes you happy.