FWIW, one of my great-great grandfathers (the self styled "only private in the Confederate Army") had a "body servant" with him through most of the war. He fought by his side at Chickamauga, Lookout Mountain, Kennesaw, and the Battle of Atlanta. When things started looking pretty bad, Grandpa Long sent Bas home to help his wife look after the farm and protect the family. He saved Grandpa Long's best horse by hiding him deep in a nearby swamp when the Yankees came through (they got everything else though.) Bas was a highly skilled blacksmith, and did all the farrier work for the company while he was in. When he was home, he ran a blacksmith shop and kept 15 percent off the top (Don't worry about the income, wrote Grandpa Long to his wife; "He'll charge a plenty I reckon".) He was married with two children; some of my gg grandfather's letters home have messages at the bottom from Bas to his wife. ("Bas says howdy to Ellen and asks her to write to him.") After the war he remained in the neighborhood and friendly with the family; at Grandpa & Grandma Long's 50th anniversary his widow was an honored guest and featured in the newspaper article.
This is not just self-serving family legend that grew up after the war -- I have all this documented in the original letters, which my gg grandmother saved in her breakfront drawer in the parlor. They are now in Special Collections at Emory University. Some of Grandpa Long's letters were published in James McPherson's "Why They Fought."
I don't know how often this happened . . . how many folks treated their slaves decently and had good relationships with them, acknowledged marriages, allowed them to read & write, earn money, etc. I don't know how many people believed the politicians' rantings. But it's common in the South to have a fairly obvious split between the rhetoric and the actual way that ordinary decent people treated each other, despite the existence of a rotten system, plus the usual complement of nasty trash who shouldn't be allowed to keep a dog, let alone have another human being's life in their hands. But no-good folks are everywhere, including the New York draft riots. Southerners have no monopoly on them.
Yes ma'am! Are all those letters posted anywhere on the net? I can get down to Emory to look at them if necessary.