Women Who Can't Cook

Daily Nation (Nairobi) ^ | June 29, 2002 | Oyunga Pala

[Shermy]

I have one standing dating rule, 'When it comes to cooking, never let a dot.com woman come anywhere close to the kitchen, unless she wants to do the dishes'.

By Oyunga Pala

According my philosophy, and several near-death food poisoning experiences, I have finally come to the conclusion that domesticated, kitchen-savvy women of our mothers' generation are a dying breed.

Most young women today can't cook. I don't know whether to describe this as a national tragedy or the coming of age of the equality wars fought by feminists in the sixties and the seventies. Now before all you women come out and accuse me for the umpteenth time of male chauvinism, I would like to state for the record that my culinary skills are exceptional (even if I say so myself). I know I can cook and I believe most bachelors of my generation can and when I say cook, I not talking about making tea and eggs - the stereotype bachelor's staple. I am talking about a wholesome meal of chicken-in-coconut with rice or marinated beef that will have your mouth percolating with the complexity of half a dozen tastes and spices - a little mint here, a little ginger there, cardamom, garlic and spring onion somewhere - all conspiring to bring pleasure. If all this sounds like gibberish, you are one of those women new age men like myself intend to stay oceans away from.

This isn't about women cooking for us. That notion went out with the break dance. The bone of contention here is women who love good food but have a problem cooking it. So you end up on a staple diet of frizzled French fries, crusty pizzas and bubbling cokes. If you were weaned on healthy, fresh height-inducing dishes, a sudden switch to fast foods is simply tragic. At what point in our history did the microwave oven take over from the good old gas or electric burner? We are slowly being turned into ready-meal junkies and before long, you could find yourself seriously addicted to takeaways. This concept of ringing someone and having them trek around your house bearing a weighty load of pizza, Chinese meal or curry was the preserve of soccer junkies and remote control addicts.

Have you ever tried dating one of these modern, upwardly mobile, executive types? They still think the inability to work the corners of a saucepan to produce whole-meal, nutritious ugali is a sign of sophistication. So in its place, they spend the entire afternoon shopping for ingredients for glamorous sounding dishes like beef stroganoff, kedgeree and Wiener schnitzel. Eight hours later, you are presented with a large plate splattered with a botched-up recipe book prescription. It doesn't smell like anything you remotely recognise and she has labelled it some exotic name like 'a la Dolmio'‚ hoping you would be impressed. You get the lost puppy look so any thoughts of scooping the obviously unpalatable mixture over your shoulder through the window are banished. At the back of your mind, you mutter 'the things we do for love' as you take a spoonful. It balances on your tongue, mid way between your throat and your lips just as all the food poisoning headlines you read in this lifetime flash through your mind.

But she still has that tell-me-it-tastes-good look. You swallow with a little prayer and hope that your medical insurance cover is comprehensive. All I can say is that bravery has its limitations. Considering we were raised in the same times, I'm still amazed that a lot of women in my generation can't put together a simple basic meal for a bunch of guys without breaking into a sweat or breaking a nail. Who planted it into their heads that good food can only be found in a cookbook? I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I have just about had it with being used as a guinea pig for recipe-book tragedies. Whatever happened to basic meat and starch?

It is for that reason that I urge any forward thinking men to take over the cooking if they intend to enjoy their retirement benefits. We have to wrestle back the power to control our culinary destiny. Besides, the girls will think you are romantic, sensitive and different. The bottom-line, folks, is that no amount of loving is worth a plate of over-salted stew.

I speak out for the masses of unsuspecting men at the receiving end and I have had my fair share of near-death experiences. A lot of these women really don't realise what awful cooks they are until they try to impress some new man in their lives. It reminds me of a female buddy of mine. We will just call her Becky. Becky was a tom-boy; she used to hang around us for so long that we stopped thinking of her as a girl. During sports on satellite TV weekends, we did the cooking for obvious reasons. Becky had once felt brave enough to invite the boys over to her place to sample her version of the stir-fry signature dishes she had seen us whip up so many times before.

The attempt was so bad the dog wouldn't touch it. Needless to say, we decided never again to sample her cooking and always covered up by bringing takeaways or doing the cooking ourselves.

But Becky was the strong headed type and in spite of our counsel, she decided to take the quantum leap from boiling eggs to attempting a gourmet meal to impress her new catch. She wouldn't let us help her so we just stood aside and watched her cut the red wire so to speak. Becky decided to invest in a recipe book and picked out a dish called 'spicy Thai style ginger chicken'.

It was a seemly straightforward procedure she claimed. Cut up some chicken, stir-fry the rice in a pan, add some cream and spice and bingo! Or so she thought. First of all, we spent the better part of the morning combing the city for one of the missing essential ingredients - 2 sticks of lemon grass, (outer leaves removed, chopped). By the time we got back, she was frantic because she had less than two hours left before her date showed up. This minor set back in the preparation time and misunderstanding of how low the flame was supposed to burn meant that she had to get her make-up and hair done while still making sure that the ginger chicken was spicy and done. The chicken was eventually done all right. In fact so well done that by the time she had finished scrapping it off like toast, there was hardly any chicken left on the drum-sticks. Even the belated addition of a splash of mayonnaise could not save this culinary disaster.

But with a brave face she served the meal to the poor guy. He had a spoonful of it and his taste buds went into comatose. We concluded that he must have committed a few good deeds in this lifetime for he didn't die but as he secretly confessed later he would have thrown all over Becky's Sh40,000 Persian carpet.

A tip from Casanova's memoirs: The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach but don't ever forget to clean up her kitchen.

pala.o@jay.net

[Publius6961]

I am talking about a wholesome meal of chicken-in-coconut with rice or marinated beef that will have your mouth percolating with the complexity of half a dozen tastes and spices - a little mint here, a little ginger there, cardamom, garlic and spring onion somewhere -

Hell... I feel suicidal today...
I will add the observation that all of the historical great chefs, and the overwhelming majority of world-class current ones are male.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I appreciate the tips and recipe. They sound great and I'm going to give them a try!

[Lurker]

Use cornstarch instead of flour in your gravy.

Regards,

L

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

that my pie crusts are also made from scratch

This is my next thing to conquer, making a flaky pie crust. I haven't made a lot of pies but we're getting a lot of peaches now so I might try again. I'm best with brownies and cookies.

How hard is it to peel, boil and mash some potatoes, cook a pork chop, cook some broccoli and throw together a salad

This is true. I've noticed it takes about the same effort to prepare real food as it does to follow directions on a box. I guess it's just intimidating to some.

You could even use salad in a bag if you're desperate for time

This makes me laugh. My aunt told me this story about one of her daughter's friends (who didn't cook). She opened up a bag of salad, poured it in the bowl, and was so excited because 'she was cooking'!

I'm convinced that some of the behavior problems we see with children come from not eating right.

I would absolutely agree. I'm an adult, and I feel sick if I eat out too much.

[SauronOfMordor]

But that is one rich little girl, mom is almost always there. They do beach days and picnics and after dark walks..no cable TV but lots of books and library trips...they are VERY rich little girls!

That's my attitude. Is the new Lexus in the driveway worth finding out your kids are doing drugs, or your eldest daughter was "entertaining" her boyfriend upstairs while both of you were at work?

BTW, we also homeschool

[RnMomof7]

I have a "funny" (read that sad) story

My daughters sister in law wanted to have a baby for a VERY long time... finally she got pregnant there was much celebration ..then she lost the baby

A few months later she became pregnant with twins..again much celebration..

Dad has a VERY good job and makes alot of money to most of us (6 figure neighborhood) Mom also had an excellent job..that paid around 50K

Dad decided that mom should not give up her job..(they needed the money)...he flies for a hobby and wanted to keep his plane... they bought a house in a up scale development with all the surgeons and lawyers..new car etc..

So at a cost of 400 per week the girls were "raised " in day care..they are now in kindergarden and go to an after school program.

Dad has said that he would like to get a dog.. but he will not get one till one of them is home full time as it would not be fair to the dog

Does that say something to you of the value we place on our kids in this culture

"train up a child in the way it should go, and when it is old it will not depart from it"

[Dianna]

Thank you, I'll try it!

Now if I can just keep my husband from peering over my shoulder the whole time :)

[Mulder]

"Ability to cook" doesn't even make my top 50 list of desirable attributes in a woman.

With restaurants all over the place, it is inefficient to spend the time and money to make fancy meals.

Anyway, I can think of better places for a woman to spend her energy :-)

[Dianna]

Dad has said that he would like to get a dog.. but he will not get one till one of them is home full time as it would not be fair to the dog

Ohmigosh!!! I'm a stay at home mom. It's been easier for us, I think. We started out poor and our income is growing as the kids are.

[CDHart]

"When women ask for that "sensitive" guy and get him, they find he's not what they wanted in the first place."

LOL! You're right!

Carolyn

[Dinsdale]

I'm a good cook.

What I'm looking for is a woman who is'nt 'to good' to mow the lawn.

[Rebelbase]

Hey hey hey, I just learned how to make honest to God Italian NY Italian spagetti sauce. Whoa, oregano and basil are overated now that I know the truth.

[Shermy]

And thank you. Please tell me how the recipe goes.

Glad this thread took off too.

[Shermy]

Thanks for the recipe and your advice at post # 40.

[AnAmericanMother]

No problem. Been cooking for 37 years. I'm teaching my son and daughter, but the more people that learn the stuff it takes 37 years to figure out on your own, the better! :-)

BTW, homemade chili tonight based on the Joy's recipe but "vergrossert und verbessert" (enlarged and improved, as the old East Side Yiddish theater proclaimed of their version of King Lear). It's a snap, and it sure tastes better than those "kits" they sell in the supermarket. Cheaper, too.

[DBtoo]

Men seem to like foods that are heavy, starchy, spicy, greasy, and salty, the kinds of foods that make me feel like I'm going to blow up!!

[Lorianne]

This article is unfair. As a woman who is not good at cooking I take offense. First of all, not everyone can be good. It's unrealistic to expect any group of 3.1 billion (half of humanity) people to be good cooks. This just doesn't make sense.

Believe me I've tried cooking classes, I have a shelf full of cookbooks but I just have no innate talent at cooking. I can follow a recipe but have ZERO talent for being creative in the kitchen. I just don't "get it". My two sisters are both excellent cooks as are both my parents.

I think cooking is a real art form. People I know who are good cooks can "compose" food in their heads (like Mozart could compose music) and make the most astounding things, usually with no recipe, they just seem to "know" things. My mom never uses a recipe, she just cooks and its always delicious.

However, on the domestic I do sew sew a lot of my own clothes, make toys, etc. I'm also a pretty good gardener and can fix most things around the house. But cooking is just not my strong suit.

Fortunately my husband is a good cook and he enjoys cooking on the weekend.

[sunshine state]

I second the recommendation for "Joy of Cooking". I still have the beat-up old paperback my Mom gave me when I went to college. I also have a nicer hardback edition that I recently acquired when the library discarded it in favor of the newer edition (FYI: check out your library's bookstore - you can sometimes get real deals on used and new books). "Joy of Cooking" will tell you how to do everything - from plucking a chicken to making chocolate mousse.

[sunshine state]

I'll tell you the dirty secret of a good pie crust, IMHO, although others may disagree. My Oma used 100% pure leaf lard and her pies were out of this world. Good lard is hard to find, but I find that if I use 1/2 butter and 1/2 lard, I get good results. Keep in mind, I don't eat pie (or other desserts) every day, otherwise I'd be big as a house and my arteries would be screaming (although, I must say, both my Omas lived to be 93).

I'm also a big believer in butter for baking. If you're going to bake something, use butter; don't waste all your time and other good ingredients by using margarine. It's an inferior product and you can tell when you eat it. Again, I don't eat cookies every day, but when I bake, I want it to taste good.

[sunshine state]

I agree, some people have no talent for cooking, but I think the thrust of the article is more towards women who think it's more liberating to not be able to cook; real feminists don't cook, in other words. I think, as some other posters have said, that cooking is just one more life skill that people should attempt to cultivate.

On the other hand, I have no real talent for sewing despite my Mom's best efforts, although I can sew on a button and hem a pair of pants (I can also darn a mean sock, but there's no call for that skill anymore LOL).