Please, Please, Please? Nagging Has Become the Norm for Many Youth

Alex Negelein admits that when there's something he really, really wants, he's willing to ask his dad for it "150 times."

The 9-year-old's pestering may be on the extreme side, but he's hardly alone. A new survey has found that, even when their parents say "no," nearly six of 10 young people keep nagging - an average of nine times.

The survey, released Monday, also found that 10 percent of 12- and 13-year-olds said they ask their parents more than 50 times for products they've seen advertised.

Officials at the Center for a New American Dream, who commissioned the survey, call it the "nag factor." They say it shows that kids - while annoying their parents - are feeling pressure from peers to buy the latest products.

"They are being made to feel that if they don't have the right low-cut designer jeans, the right video game or the right designer watch, they aren't going to have a friend - that they're going to be rejected by other kids, " says Betsy Taylor, executive director of the Takoma Park, Md.-based center, which promotes responsible consumption of resources and goods.

Of those polled, about a third said they feel pressure to buy certain products, and more than half said that buying those products makes them feel better about themselves.

When it comes to nagging, 55 percent said they can usually get their parents to give in.

The poll, which has a margin of error of 3.5 percentage points, included the answers of 750 American youth, ages 12 to 17, who were contacted by phone last month. But experts say nagging is a habit learned much earlier.

Marian Salzman, chief strategic officer for the ad agency Euro RSCG, says about 60 percent of the young people the agency has interviewed for research said they knew how to manipulate their parents on "small things" before they started first grade.

And, increasingly, even the youngest children have spending power - an estimated $52 billion for ages 4 to 12 by 2006, compared with a projected $40 billion this year and $17.1 billion in 1994.

All of that has made nagging an "art form", says Salzman, who believes parents have only encouraged it by giving kids much more say in family decisions.

Alex's dad, Chris Negelein, has instituted a rule: "Ask once, and only once." He says Alex is learning to follow it.

As a reward for good behavior, Negelein takes his son to a Pokemon tournament near their home in Pompano Beach, Fla., on Saturdays. That way, Alex can actually play with the cards he has from the Japanese game, rather than just collect them and continually ask for more.

"You try to set the ground rules to teach your kids that materialism is a means to an end, but it's not a means to life," says Negelein, who divorced Alex's mom and took custody of the boy a year ago after behavior problems arose.

With advice from a counselor, Negelein started setting limits and Alex is getting back on track. He has even made the honor roll at school.

But Negelein admits it's sometimes difficult not to weaken when Alex wants something, especially with the waves of licensed products that accompany every blockbuster movie.

In the long run, Taylor says she hopes the Center for a New American Dream can help persuade Congress to pass laws further limiting advertising to young people. But ultimately, she says, it's a parent's responsibility to set better limits and stick to them.

Marvin Berkowitz, a developmental psychologist at the University of Missouri-St. Louis and an expert in character education, agrees.

He says giving in to a child who "asks and asks and asks" only rewards the behavior. "The child essentially learns to be a nagger," he says.

"If we are spoiled," she says, "it's kind of the parents fault, too, for giving in to us."

But she says sometimes teens just want to be heard - and to have more control over their lives. That's why she bugged her parents until they agreed to let her visit her older sister in Florida this summer.

"They got sick of me asking," says Cooney, who saved money from her birthday and baby-sitting for the trip. "And I proved that I could get the money to do it."

Center for a New American Dream: http://www.newdream.org/campaign/kids/tips.html

My husband gets 5 weeks vacation every year...he splits it up, spring and fall...Now the spring vacation, he always reserves for going back to Chicago, and attend his annual Memorial Day Picnic, with his friends from childhood...of course, I am always invited to go with....and each and every year I decline...I prefer to stay home, in my home in Western Washington...having been married going onto 33yrs, and having raised the kids, done the mama and wifey thing for years and years, I relish the two weeks he is gone to Chicago...I can do what I want when I want...

Now the hubby always takes a rather large bankroll, for his two weeks in Chicago...and he always gives me an equally large bankroll, for my spending pleasure....ebay, watch out...

When he returns from Chicago, I dont grill him about where his money went, and he does not grill me about where my money went, and we are both exceedingly happy...

In the fall, we take the vacation time together...and then we need an enormous bankroll for the two of us...

We enjoy each other, enjoy our family, and enjoy life...but we also enjoy our times apart, and our separate spendy ways...

When I have kids, I have this all planned out.

In my experience, when it comes to children, the best of plans can go straight to hell.

Like you. I have no children yet. However, I am recently married, and hope to in the near future. With my previous experience with kids, however, I have learned to never make chest-beating, bragadocious statements about how I will keep my kids more under control and well behaved than the next guy. Kids are hotwired differently than adults. They have a whole different agenda than you or I, and all the discipline and rightous, good Christian upbringing in the world isn't necessarily going to make then into little well-behaved saints. I just figure it's a learn as you go process. Good parenting will EVENTUALLY make good offspring, but there are alot of "pulling yer hair out" years in between. Be wary of any parent who self-rightously says otherwise.

Thanks for the tip. I actually did something similar to this once. I kept my wife on a $20 a day budget and controlled all the other cash, bank cards and credit cards (don't use checks here in Japan). At the time, she was remorse and admitted that she couldn't control herself when she went shopping and that it was a good idea for me to control the money. However, it only lasted for about a week or two as she quickly returned to her same old attitude and convinced her whole family and many of our friends that I was of the devil for doing such a thing to her (i.e. not trusting her). The problem is my wife thinks shopping is her only way to get a break from the toils of life. It is pathetic, I know. I have tried to get her to learn sewing, computers, anything...but she is only interested in shopping and travel.

The thing is, I never noticed this in her before we got married and even in the first few years of our marriage. It wasn't really even until after she had our boy (now 7) that this started to happen. She apparently developed some kind of nervous system disorder called jiritsu shinkei shicchosho (autonomic imbalance?). According to her, this means that she easily gets depressed and if she does get depressed easily loses control of her emotions and herself (can't stop herself from yelling at me, et al).

Well, that with the recent discovery of her adenomyosis I really am trying to have patience with her, but my patience wears thin when she uses her conditions (imagined or real) as an excuse to spend money like there is no tomorrow.

I suppose divorce is the easiest solution to this, but I don't want to lose my kid. And, if I am the one that files for a divorce, there is little chance that I would get to keep my kid. Here in Japan, the kids almost always go the mom and then the kids almost never see there dad again. I would like to think that my wife wouldn't keep me from my kid, but who knows what will happen after a divorce. She is the kind of person who likes to exact vengeance for even the pettiest of things (chip-on-the-shoulder type thing). I dread the thought of what she might do should we get a divorce. I mean, I would probably end up back in the States and when it came time to have my boy come over for his yearly visit, she would probably forget to put him on the plane or something.

Also, I believe in the sanctity of marriage. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and I don't want to do that to my kid if at all possible. My wife is a good wife and a mother most of the time. She is a very nice and friendly person. She just has an occasional nasty streak and has yet to add words like "thrifty" to her vocabulary.

I also believe in the power of God to help resolve any issue (understanding, of course, that God's thought are higher than mine and the result of God's intervention won't take the shape I have in mind…), and, at the advice of a friend, I am trying to kneel down in prayer with my wife both morning and night. Yesterday I had to say, "Let’s pray" about 50 times before she finally agreed. Sigh...

Anyway, thanks to you all for listening me. It is kind of hard to go to my family about this because just about all of them have been divorced at least once. The first thing out of their mouths is "Get a Divorce!" when I explain my situation.

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