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Entire Nation of Israel Converts to Catholicism
BSNN.NET ^
| 04/23/2002
| Lazamataz
Posted on 04/23/2002 6:35:19 AM PDT by Lazamataz
|
As the elected leader of the newly-designated Roman Catholic State of Israel, Airel Sharon has assumed the position of Cardinal of the Israeli Diocese.
|
JERUSALEM In an effort to confuse Palestinian bombers, the entire nation of Israel converted to Catholicism today. As the Knesset met yesterday, Shlomo Benizri submitted legislation that would formally change the official religion of Israel to Christianity in general and Roman Catholicism in particular.
Speaking outside the Knesset chamber, Benizri told reporters, "If we just change religions, maybe the Palestinians won't really notice us any more."
The measure passed overwhelmingly.
Alex Plotzker, of the news organization Ha'aretz, said in a commentary Monday night: "This brilliant move by our government will certainly lower our profile in the Islamic world. And now that we are no longer Jews, there is not so much reason to hate our freakin' guts, is this not true?"
As the people of Israel struggled to adapt to the change, airlifts of Crucifixes, Stations of the Cross, little Patron Saint cards and painted statues of the Virgin Mary were being planned from the United States.
"Oy vey," lamented one unidentified man. "Now I should no longer atone for my sins once a year on Yom Kippur, but instead I should go to this 'confession' every week? Sounds like I am paying retail."
"Does that mean I have to change my name from Binyamin Chazan to Mark Masamacchi?" puzzled another.
In the Vatican, the Pope was informed of this recent development, but an ankle injury prevented him from commenting.
TOPICS: Editorial; Extended News; Israel; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: catholiclist; fakeout; haahaa; heehee; hoohoo; lazhumor; nottrue; spoof
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To: Lazamataz; Sir Gawain
In a related note young boys where seen fleeing from Israel
To: Alouette
I'm not an expert on this esoteric area of history, but there is quite a lot of scholarship on it that has nothing to do with "Holocaust deniers". Of course Holocaust deniers will latch onto any scrap of real or fabricated information to support their bizarre story. To a rational person, the Khazar issue doesn't have a lot of bearing on the need for a Jewish homeland -- the Nazis didn't show any interest in who was or wasn't descended from the Khazars when they herded everyone they regarded as a Jew into the death camps (nor have any other purveyors of blatant anti-Semitism made any distinction -- they can't have it both ways: hating people because they're Jews, while simultaneously claiming they actually aren't Jews). The history of persecution and slaughter of Jews is the main bond that the Khazar-descended Jews (however many there really are) have with the Jewish people, and it is not an insignificant bond.
To: Howlin
ribtickle
To: Lazamataz
Domini, Domini, Domini...you're all Catholics now!
64
posted on
04/23/2002 8:00:59 AM PDT
by
facedown
To: Lazamataz
When I saw the heading I wasn't sure if this was from BSNN or that other funny story place - MOMI !!!
( Millitary Office of Mis-Information)
To: Lazamataz
Hilarious!
To: Lazamataz
I'm on a roll lately. That could very well be the understatement of the century. You're beginning to scare me. You're not around small children a lot, are you? :-)
67
posted on
04/23/2002 8:07:24 AM PDT
by
Howlin
To: GovernmentShrinker
If the Khazar people converted en masse to Judaism, and
if they form the larger body of Ashenazim (which I seriously doubt), the fact remains that they would have intermarried with other Jews over the past thousand years to the the point that their descendants would clearly be Jewish by blood.
You fail to account for the historical record of Jewish migration into Europe. The Khazars would have come from the east. But the records show the movement of Jewish settlement in Europe from the south into western and central Europe, and from thence eastward.
68
posted on
04/23/2002 8:15:13 AM PDT
by
malakhi
To: uglybiker
Not until later in the afternoon when Yassir Arafat announced that all Palestinians were becoming Presbyterians. Hey, now, we've been thrown out of better countries than Israel!
69
posted on
04/23/2002 8:25:25 AM PDT
by
Howlin
To: Hail Caesar
Does this mean the gay Jews will have to convert, too? - oy vey, indeed... ;-)Somebody's got to be the priests.
70
posted on
04/23/2002 8:36:33 AM PDT
by
Gumlegs
Comment #71 Removed by Moderator
To: one_particular_harbour
Gefilte fish fry.
To: Lazamataz
Alex Plotzker, of the news organization Ha'aretz, said in a commentary Monday night: "This brilliant move by our government will certainly lower our profile in the Islamic world. And now that we are no longer Jews, there is not so much reason to hate our freakin' guts, is this not true?" Quick, somebody buy Alex a good textbook of medieval European history and have him read up on: the Crusades, El Cid, Charles Martel, Jan Sobieski, and the battle of Lepanto. He's jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
73
posted on
04/23/2002 8:55:15 AM PDT
by
Campion
To: Campion
Quick, somebody buy Alex a good textbook of medieval European history and have him read up on: the Crusades, El Cid, Charles Martel, Jan Sobieski, and the battle of Lepanto. He's jumping from the frying pan into the fire.So you are saying not even this conversion will satisfy the Palestinians??
Okay, Israel agrees to become a homogenous Muslim country.
Will *this* appease them?
To: Lazamataz
Gefilte fish fry. Ugh. That sounds awful!
75
posted on
04/23/2002 9:01:32 AM PDT
by
malakhi
To: Lazamataz
Then the Pali's would call the Israelis Jew Cheistian Crusaders and intensify their bombing campaign.
Stay well - Stay safe - Stay armed - Yorktown
76
posted on
04/23/2002 9:04:19 AM PDT
by
harpseal
To: Lazamataz
Well, if all the Israelis became Muslims they'd be part of the
ummah, the dar-el-Islam. The Palis would still try to kill them, but the rest of the Muslim world would look the other way instead of actively supporting the Palis.
Still sounds like "paying retail" to me ...
77
posted on
04/23/2002 9:12:47 AM PDT
by
Campion
To: Lazamataz
Not so fast. Now the Ay Rabs will insist that this a thinly disguised Fifth Crusade to "free the Holy Land. Now Atta Trucking will employ truck bombs and weapons of crass destruction to fight off the Infidels!
Could they just convert to Lutheranism? (Sorry Pastor!)
To: Lazamataz
Love it.
To: Lazamataz
Canada is next I hear that in retaliation, all Canadian are becoming Druids.
What will Jethro say? :)
80
posted on
04/23/2002 9:24:30 AM PDT
by
TomB
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