Posted on 03/28/2002 6:14:01 AM PST by Sir Gawain
TANKS, WHALES, VOLCANOES — AIRPORT
SCREENERS NOW FAILING TO CATCH ANYTHING
Federal Investigators, Meanwhile, Accused of Enjoying Work a Little Too Much
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — In a troubling sign that investigators may be getting bored with their success smuggling guns and knives onto airplanes, the U.S. Department of Transportation today disclosed that its agents have recently cleared airport security checkpoints with an M1 tank, a beluga whale, and an active volcano.
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| An undercover DOT investigator attempts to sneak a beluga whale past security at Kennedy Airport. |
Investigators also boasted that they have repeatedly slipped past screeners with a six-burner Viking stove, the Field Museum of Natural History, and actor Sidney Poitier, whom they had gagged and, for some reason, painted bright blue.
The revelations were "highly disturbing" to DOT inspector general Kenneth Mead, who praised his employees for their previous work in uncovering security lapses, but suggested investigators had perhaps lost sight of their original mission. Mead also urged agents to "give it a rest," and, hopefully, return the Washington Monument.
"Oh yeah, that was a good one," said Mitch Kerling, one of hundreds of DOT field personnel assigned to test security. "Ninety-five percent success. Only got caught at LAX because this one screener thought it was a knife."
Like Kerling, other DOT agents said they weren't ready to stop, arguing that more serious lapses have yet to be discovered. But Argenbright Security CEO David Beaton, who runs the nation's largest airport screening company, said he failed to see how sneaking the Central Park merry-go-round past security was productive.
Replied DOT field analyst Diane Corliss: "So?"
In defending his staff, Beaton insisted employees weren't trained to spot geologic catastrophes or Sidney Poitier, although he conceded a routine hand check should have detected the rabid elk agents had set on fire and placed in a giant duffel bag. However, Beaton claimed investigators have also overlooked many security successes. In particular, he praised one employee for recently confiscating a pair of scissors from a man attempting to board a flight for Phoenix.
The man, actually an undercover DOT investigator, noted in his report that the scissors were taken, but added that he was then allowed to board the plane while driving a mobile rocket launcher.
"Security thought it was a sweater," Beaton explained.
Officials from the Federal Aviation Administration, meanwhile, said safety should improve by November, when federally-employed screeners are slated to be in place at all 429 commercial airports in the United States. DOT investigators, however, said they were up for the challenge, and had already mounted the remains of 16th Century French theologian John Calvin to a live cow.
It's that since 9/11, anyone -- ANYONE -- who stands up in the aisle of a commercial flight and announces that he/she/it (gotta be PC, ya know!) is taking over the aircraft will almost immediately
A) have the dog squeeze kicked outta him/her/it or
B) quickly assume cabin temperature
all courtesy of the passengers/crew who now know they're probably gonna die anyway and have nothing to lose by going for it.
But, of course, none of these pesky little tidbits of info help the cause of expanding government, sooooo.... we get Barney -- NOT the ubiquitous purple dinosaur who is better qualified for the position, we get the other one -- and virtual strip searches of 80 year-old grandmothers.
WHOM THE GODS WOULD DESTROY, THEY FIRST MAKE INSANE!
And it gives the guys reading all that Carnivore e-mail something to do when they're not drafting indictments for "UnAmerican Utterances" or chicken-choking over at S&M and XXXX.
LOL!!
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