Mid-West, anti-coaster Humor.

unknown ^ | 03-25-2002 | unknown

[EBUCK]

A message from the rural midwest:

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners And Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, or Missouri, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders >understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for... bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

>>Now, enjoy your visit and then go home... ASAP!

[EBUCK]

And Oregon isn't chock full of terrorists either. But we have to bear the bad name of our countrymen just the same.

I don't know who has it worse tho.. New Yorkers have to live with being called elitists, and I have to live with the eco-terrorist-green smear.

EBUCK

[frodolives]

But why would a flat-lander need a four wheel drive? It's flat. FLAT. Here in Idaho, complaints about a mere gravel road are for sissies. Try six inches of mud at a 30 degree slope-narrow, winding, with rocks on one side and the long drop into the lake on the other. NOW you'll need to get out and turn the hubs......

[EBUCK]

I don't know man. Flatlanders are a funny sort any way you look at it LOL. I'm in Oregon and we've got most of the same as you except, of course, we have an ocean with beaches to boot.

EBUCK

[mamelukesabre]

The biggest industry in New York is ------------- agriculture. But somehow, everyone seems to think that New York is just one big city. FYI

~~~~~~~~

Ill tell you why. The population of NYC is what? 12 million? And the population of NY state excluding NYC is what?

[mamelukesabre]

If you can't get there in two wheel drive, you don't need to be there.

[genefromjersey]

I hear you ! I grew up in rural Orange County-next door to the Ulster County line. When I was in HS, the principal used to allow any one-who had a hunting license, and permission from parents- to bring unloaded, cased rifle or shotgun to school for Opening Day .

The hunters had to stay in school for 2 hours ( so the school would get the per diem State Aid allotment for them ),and were then free to go hunting.

Can you imagine the uproar and outrage such a policy would create today ?

[EBUCK]

If I got there in a two wheel drive I didn't really want to go in the first place.

EBUCK

[mamelukesabre]

A properly equiped 2WD pickup will get around better than a poorly equiped AWD luxury SUV.

2WD
tall skinny mud&snow tires
adequate ground clearance
positraction
stickshift
adequate weight in back


vs.

full time all wheel drive
wide, low profile, quiet riding tires
ground effects package
no positraction
automatic transmission
no weight in back.

[AFreeBird]

If you can't get there in two wheel drive, you don't need to be there.

That is sooo wrong.

[EBUCK]

No argument from me. It should be false advertising to call the modern SUV an off road vehicle.

EBUCK

[js1138]

Rare steak is something new. No one in my parent's time would touch meat that wasn't cooked.

[EBUCK]

I like mine blackened (prolly cause I can't BBQ worth a damn). But I'm willing to bet that rare steak has been around longer that fully cooked steak has.

EBUCK

[barker]

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

That's funny. The last local officer I had a 'heart to heart' talk with looked barely old enough to be in high school much less out of it. However he was old enough to go ahead and give me a ticket :-(

[TroutStalker]

Bummer about the ticket.

I think I might have reached a certain age where so many people in authority look too young. I have a nephew (by marriage to my niece) who is a PA State Trooper, and another niece who is a Baltimore detective, who are both in their mid-twenties. The kid selling me booze in the liquor store I would card, if we were on opposite sides of the counter.

[TroutStalker]

Well I never hooked a flathead of any weight, but I did break off (line, not rod) a 70# salmon on an Orvis fly rod.

[balls]

Western New York, i.e. the Buffalo area, and upstate are a complete shock to tourists who expect those areas to, somehow, reflect a relationship to NYC. They are not even remotely related and have more in common with the Midwest. The contrast between the state and NYC is an amazing phenomenon that highlights the extent to which they exist totally independent of each other.

[Rebelbase]

Two wheel drive anythings are no match for the undeveloped barrier islands on the Outerbanks of NC.

[DainBramage]

If you can't get there in two wheel drive, you don't need to be there.

he he You're not from around here are you?

[Free State Four]

Thought you might take exception to that one. Leave it to a midwesterner to know the proper tool for the job. :o) fsf

[Free State Four]

Ferchrissakes! That was only a traffic ticket presented to you by a boy who didn't seem old enough to produce facial hair. I waited so late in life to have children that when the interns came around to check on my labor before my doctor got there, I kept demanding to see their high school diplomas!!!! :o) fsf