Posted on 03/14/2002 6:46:11 AM PST by Billie
When I dance I make the band skip.
My cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
When I go to the zoo the elephants throw me peanuts.
My graduation picture was a aerial photograph.
My driver's license says picture continued on other side.
When I ran away they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
When I get in an elevator it HAS to go DOWN!
Instead of being born with a silver spoon I was born with a silver shovel in my mouth.
They have to grease the door frames and put a Twinkie on the other side to get me through.
I could become rich and sell shade.
My belly button doesn't have lint -- it has sweaters.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
Hey, squirrels are cute!
Yeah, I'll search for little squirrel dolls. LOL Maybe not. : )
Squirrels?
That's great!
Wonder if she'd like to join the squirrels in my back yard.
Forget that, she probably wouldn't work for peanuts. LOL
That's the term I use when I see a rabbit jump straight up into the air, hind legs stretched back, fore legs stretched out front, then land in the same spot. It seems for no reason but to express joy, which for me is reason enough.
Awww, Billie, you do that every day! Regardless of what we see in the sky, there's always sunshine for the heart.
LOL! That's good!
You'll never get me, coppers!!
: )
So am I!
Thank you for telling us. He is willing. He is able.
Those pics are priceless! LOL
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
5. They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
6. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
7. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
8. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
9. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
10. The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
11. They have never owned a record player.
12. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
13. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
14. They have always had an answering machine.
15. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
16. They have always had cable.
17. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
18. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
19. They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
20. Feeling old Yet? There's more:
21. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
22. Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
23. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
24. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
25. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
26. They have never seen Larry Bird play.
27. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
28. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
29. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
30. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
31. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
32. They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
33. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
34. Michael Jackson has always been white.
35. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands...
36. There has always been MTV.
37. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Gee....I hope you can still have a happy day....
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