Posted on 02/27/2002 4:20:00 AM PST by Pharmboy
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." --Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
(If anyone doesn't know what any of that means, the rest won't mean anything to you so you can skip to the next post).
So my brother was getting caught up in this incredibly complex program trying to calculate the correct code for every character. Since I had already graduated he figured I would know a better answer and called me.
I told him that memory was cheap and programmer time was expensive. If he were working for me I would want him to build an indexed table in memory of all the correct codes and use the letter to grab the value out of the table and send it to the LCD. Long table. Short program that is easy to write and practically impossible to screw up. He said the prof used his homework to lecture the entire class about engineering trade-offs.
The problem with engineering courses is that they always teach the theory, but never the practical stuff. For that you have to spend about four years on the job. Then it all comes together and work can get done.
Shalom.
Quickly! LOL!! I'll never again regret that my husband does not know more about computers!
My wife is a nutritionist and she'll love it...I'm sending it along right now.
I resemble that remark!
My husband has driven a few realtors around the bend, but the funniest thing that he does is at antiques shows. The reason that it is so funny is that he is not trying to be funny. We collect 18th century antique furniture (when we can afford it). More than once I've seen him drop down on the floor at a big charity show, pull out his flashlight and magnifying glass and start examining the underside of a piece of furniture. Usually a crowd starts to gather, and then he proceeds to expound on new wood, old wood, reasonable wear, repairs, etc. The salesman is just left standing there with his mouth open while everyone is ooohing and aahhing and nodding and I stand there trying to melt into the floor.
At the fanciest show in Chicago one year he proclaimed 4 expensive high chests to be "fakes". When I say, proclaimed, I really mean "muttered" his observations into my ear. Then he started questioning the seller very carefully. The seller wouldn't give an inch on the authenticity and age of his wares. My husband had good reasons why these pieces were not 'right'. Sure enough, a year or so later, we read that the dealer had been sued by an unhappy (read cheated) Chicago buyer of these chests of drawers and run out of business. My engineer husband felt vindicated because he had spotted the phony goods first, and none of the dealers and collectors at the show would confirm his observations.
That is one of the big differences between engineers and ordinary people. Engineers have developed their powers of observation of physical properties to a fine art. (They are not as good at observing emotional qualities in the people around them, and that is how they get crosswise with wives and co-workers.)
That is why you cannot get your professional engineering license until you have worked in an engineering capacity under the tutelege of another professional engineer for a few years in most states. Most engineers never get it.
Subject: Ticket, please
Potty Training for Engineers...
3 Apple engineers and 3 Microsoft employees are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, the 3 Microsoft employees each buy
tickets and watch as the 3 Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train.
The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple
engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the
Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple
engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees
are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
1. The work we want did is clearly showed on the attatched plans and speserfaction. Our inginear, whose had plenty of college, done spent hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and speserfactions. But nobody connot think of everything. Once your bid is in, that’s it brother. From then on, anything wanted by our inginear, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except the contrakter) shall be considered as showed specified, or emplied and shall be pervided by the contrakter without the expense to nobody, but hisself (menin the contrakter).
2. If the work is did without no extry expence to the contrakter, then the work will be tookdown and did over again until the extry expence to the contrakter is satisfactory to our inginear.
3. Our inginear’s plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed wrong, it shall be discuvered by the contrakter, kerected, and did right with no extry expence to us. It won’t cut no ice with us or our inginear if you point out any mistakes our inginear has drawed. If you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work for us or him (meanin the inginear).
4. The contrakter is not sposed to make fun of the inginear, his plans, or the kind of work we’re havin did. If he do, it’s just too bad for him (meanin the contrakter).
5. Any contrakter walkin around the job with a smile on his or her face is subject to the revue of his bid.
6. If the contrakter don’t find all our inginears mistakes before he bids this job, or if the contrakter aint got enuf sence to know that our inginears goin to thinkup a bunch of new stuff that’s goin to have to be did before the job is completely did, then it’s just too bad for him (meanin the contrakter)
7. The contrakter gotta use all good stuff on this job-- none of this crap from Japan.
I give up, he may find the perfect one in about 2 years.
MKM
Otherwise, your post sounds mighty familiar. The problem is that the people around you get really irritated at your authoritative answers and consider you opinionated, I'll bet. You have to understand that your mind works differently than theirs, and you need to lead them along so that they come to the conclusion you have already determined and they think that they figured it out on their own.
That is how engineers get to be named 'boss'.
Are you left handed too? Two of my engineers are left handed, and that further complicates understanding between them and the rest of the world.
LOL! Well I don't want give them up completely -- just need someone to commiserate with me once in a while!
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