THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[Dan from Michigan]

Ford is from Grand Rapids, hardly the northeast.

We're Midwesterners.

[Red Jones]

I've heard several people from new england or new york say that the south was either not really American or that the south should not be part of america. Walter Cronkite said this, I saw him on tv saying it. The south is in fact much more american than either new england or new york. Perhaps that's why so many people like the south and are moving to it in recent times. The big waves of immigration from Europe between 1870 and 1925 did not settle in the south. The south is populated by people who are ethnic american, descendant from those who came before the civil war more so than any other region of the country. But bigots don't know that.

[rdb3]

"THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!"

No, no you won't. We Midwesterners can be mean, very mean.

[sneakypete]

One of him is better than 10 homestead exemption-seeking failed New York stockbrokers in Ponte Vedra Beach.

You got that right! I'm going to have to try and find his web site to check his schedule. I'd like to see him live.

[TatieBug]

As a proud Southerner, this is FANTASTIC! I miss the south alot and hope to get out of the LEFT COAST CALIF before it's too late! Thanks for the post.

[Sawdring]

Apparently they have an exaggerated sense of importance because the people in the north could care less about the Mason-Dixon line...get over it!

So true!

[noone]

It's www.reverendbilly.com. I don't know how to make that a link.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

I'm, posting on this site, aren't I? I think that makes people like big fat drunken ted and bahney fhank my enemy.

P.S. I had grits for the first time last week . . . mmmmmm mmmmm good. I added salt & pepper to them, is that ok?

[1 FELLOW FREEPER]

Midwesterners have a great deal in common with southern folk....conservative, family oriented, and loyal.

[razorback-bert]

Justin Wilson and Jerry Clower too.

[1 FELLOW FREEPER]

Yes

[ROCKLOBSTER]

What's the matter with you people, "NE" is the abbreviation for Nebraska.

Carson, Cavett, Kerry and FORD are all from NEBRASKA.

Get with the program or the southerners may kick your ass just for fun.

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

ok, just making sure. I don't want my A$$ kicked.

[Howlin]

Very, very funny!

I have a friend whose father was sort of that way, independent and all; if you were eating with him and asked him to pass you something, he's say, "Eat something close to you."

[1 FELLOW FREEPER]

I have lived in Hunington, West Virginia, South Bend, Indiana, and Newton, Mass.(A Boston suburb). And I can honestly say that Bostonians are BORN with the need to have their asses kicked! It isn't easy though, as you must remove their heads first.

[Dan from Michigan]

John Kerry is from Massachusetts. Bob Kerrey is from Nebraska.

And you can really claim Gerry Ford if you want to. :)

[Mudboy Slim]

"Remember when Feldspar ordered rye bread at "The Dixie?" "

No...but I do sincerely believe Ned Beatty got what he deserved in "Deliverance."

Don't mess with them Good Ol' Boys down South, I tell ya!!

LOL...MUD

[Mudboy Slim]

"Bostonians are BORN with the need to have their asses kicked! It isn't easy though, as you must remove their heads first."

Damn straight!!

FReegards...MUD

[Mudboy Slim]

"If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington."

Hear hear...MUD

[sandydipper]

That's just some of the things you can get your ass kicked for - how about making a right turn from the left lane or going 25 mph on I-4 at 5:15PM on Mondays.

Florida used to be in DIXIE but we been took over by New Yorkers who don't know the difference between grits and cream of wheat.

We put sugar in iced tea.