THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!

[bootless]

OMG! That's GREAT!

[doglot]

As sick as yu wuz, hits a wonder yu din't die.

[doglot]

Yu chikin to put yor state flag on yur homepage?

[nopardons]

I'm an AMERICAN ; not a damned regonalist , newbie. I just didn't bother to post it. If that was a round-about way of asking if I am presently living in the DEFEATED SOUTH , no, I don't, dear ; but you already surmised that, now, didn't you ? Bless your heart.

Learn to write in English, and you might get farther. : - )

[Non-Sequitur]

You had better say that they are gentile, refined, polite, and friendly or they'll kick your ass.

[The Duke]

One day many years ago while hanging with my high school "homies" (modern lexicon) in great state of Tennessee the discussion turned to integration of the school system. More than one eyebrow arched as I declared loudly..."I believe in bussing".

As my buddies started to circle and prepared to deliver to me an "ass whopping" I clarified..."Bussin' 'em up side tha head!", and all was once again good with the universe.

[kassie]

:)

[Cardinal Mendoza]

While you can't stop laughing about all those Ohio plates at M.B., I can't stop crying when I see them, especailly Vermont, Mass.,NY plates cause I know they think they've died and gone to heaven, will hurry back to their respective socalist havens, sell the house and move here. Next step upon arrival in God's country (the South), they will tell us dumb southerners how they did things up there and have the votes to make the South into the hell they just left. I lived in NY, Mass., Vermont 30 yrs. Wonderful to be back home in NC. When I say 'Yankee Go Home", I really mean it. We don't need their money or their socialist, godless idology. Yankees, have without a doubt, ruined the South I left as a young adult. I donot have a gun rack in the rear window of my new Mercedes.

[buccaneer81]

I would have to agree with you (and I was born in Mass. Now live in Ohio). I have traveled all over the South. Last summer was the first time I'd been to MB. It was the most un-southern part of the South I've ever seen. If only more Southerners would head north, we'd have a much more civilized North.

[Cardinal Mendoza]

Thanks Bro. Forgot to add to my original reply to you, If you're a committed "Freeper" you are a Southerner at heart. So, to all such "Freepers", ya'll come on down and settle and help us save the South from the Godless, Commie, Lib. Yankees that are arriving here like Hatian Boat People, 24/7.

[KY Dittohead]

"You are a yankee if..You don't know what a hush puppy is."

Or think it's a brand of shoe...

On another note, I don't think ALL yankees are bad. My favorite Grandaddy (another southern pronunciation) is from PA. Although he moved to NC and married a gal from there.

Come on ya'll, lets not get upset. Yankees do this to us southerners from time to time too.

Though one thing I will say, we didn't need no 9/11 to remind us to hang out the dusty American flags we kept in our hall closet, we keep our AMERICAN FLAGS, out proudly all the time. And everyone remember, when you display those Rebel flags, be proud of the heritage it represents. Only the small minded see it as anything else.

[Cardinal Mendoza]

How do you survive down here without Barney Frank and Teddy K. and all those other commies ya'll in Mass. elect and love so dearly?

[ROCKLOBSTER]

some NE elite

Nebraska elite? I don't think so.....

Or were you referring to Johnny Carson, Dick Cavet, Bob Kerry, Gerald Ford etc?

[peabers]

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever...

You forgot Nehi Grape, and it's always sipped through a layer of Lances salted peanuts.

[Ditter]

Did you know that in Texas tea doesn't ever come pre-sweetened? Thats because we are independent & we want to do it for ourselves. Sweeten our tea for us & we'll kick your ass.

[RightOnline]

.................'n' if y'all happen t' have a flashy sports car with Yankee plates on it, don't even think 'bout speedin' down here in God's Country.

Relocated Yankees (and where I live is just chock-full of 'em) just don't seem to have figured that one out.................then wonder why they find themselves talkin' to Trooper Yancey Dean Butterbean through their drivers' side window so often.

[RightOnline]

.........AND..........if my name's Jim, and if you are from the South, 's'alright to call me "Jimbo". If yer a damn Yankee and call me that, I'll kick yer ass!!

[stboz]

Man, you ARE begging for an ass-kickin' with the kinds of dialects you're usin'. We southerners do have accents that are peculiar to our region and our ancestry. They are not uniform across the region or one's heritage.

Nice try, but Tammy Lynn ain't birthin' no babies at the Waffle House.

[Ditter]

Don't let miss nopardons hurt your feelings, honey. It was Saturday night & she gets a snoot full & says hurtful things but I suspect she forgets it by morning. ;9)

[jslade]

ROL, you may call me Jimbo.