Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade
The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.
Y'all have a nice day!
Me too!!
HEY! DC ain't the North. We don't claim that one.
As for Detroit...it's where the weak are killed and eaten..:D
HELL YEAH we do.
As a Yank from the Midwest, I think those that make fun of it should get roped. There are some beautiful ladies in Texas.
Kansas Tourism Council Bulletin: This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.
9. The Jayhawks and the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.
10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
12. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
15. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways-35 goes the other two. Pick one.
17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.
18. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
20. No, we can't shoot the doves. They're song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one. Now, enjoy your visit and then go home
ROTFLMBO!!!
you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
I have a problem with poodles to begin with.
you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
I'm from Michigan. The 30-06 is my weaker gun. We got bears and cougars in this state.
you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
Don't forget the hockey coach and basketball coach...
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
Bwhahahah. That's so much fun :D
you've never been to a craft show.
I'm definatly a Yankee.
For your furthur Southern education, particularly when it comes to the appreciation of barbecue:
There are other threads dealing with barbecue and other sacred southern rituals and traditions but most are not for the weak stomach of the yankee.
That's what a diet of venison does:D
LOL. Sounds like Hunting Camp!!!
Uhhh, does South Dakota place me in tha category???? LOL
This is BEEF land up here, so we have both BBQ beef and pork??? I didn't know.....
GOAT ROPERS NEED LOVE TOO!!!!
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