Love is ... life without the pitter-patter of tiny feet (Angry Feminist alert!)

Is it really so hard to understand, asks Rachel Roberts, that there can be more to a couple's relationship than having children?

I am one of a growing number of women who will elect not to have children. And at least in my experience, the decision to not have children isn't one that is met with much enthusiasm.

From the family, there are comments like "But don't you want us all to have kids playing together at birthday parties and barbecues?" and "I've just always thought that part of a couple's life together is having a family".

From friends, there are protests like "But you'd make such great parents!" or "You've had such a good family life, don't you want to re-create that yourself?"

On the whole, though, the standard response is scepticism. Brush-offs. "Oh, you say that now, but wait till you turn 30!" And "I thought that, too, when I was your age but, trust me, that biological clock really gets you."

Well, I am fast approaching 30 and I have never been surer that I don't want children. My partner feels the same. We have thought about it a lot and have decided time and again that no, it's not for us. We don't want to be woken up at all hours to attend a screaming infant that knows only the need to suck. We don't want to sacrifice our time and energy chasing death-defying toddlers or taxiing around teenagers who have recently learnt to hate us.

More importantly, neither of us (me, especially) wants to see my body torn asunder during childbirth. We already love our life the way it is, child-free. And that is why the brush-off response interests me the most.

It's as though those who either have, or some day want, children refuse to recognise other possibilities in life. They are mentally closing off to paths different from their well-worn one. Particularly for women, it seems that in the face of all political and cultural change, we can always rely on some things staying the same.

Thirty years on from second-wave feminism, people are still incredulous of the woman who declares she doesn't want to be a mother.

Feminists have long argued that the social and political resistance to women who choose to remain child-free reflects a far deeper cultural anxiety about what is expected of women. Traditional femininity is inextricably bound up with notions of mothering, nurturance and birth.

Since day dot, motherhood has been viewed as the natural female career. And now, thanks to an enduring belief in biological determinism, the desire to bear children continues to be seen in terms of instinct, as a drive that is universally hard-wired into the female psyche. To be a normal woman, we must at least want children, even if for some reason we cannot have them.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you say, we've all done Feminism 101 - tell us something we don't know. Well, having experienced the reactions couples meet when revealing that they do not want children, I suspect there is something more at play than simply challenging the traditional ideology that surrounds women. Certainly a woman who elects not to have children is treading a less orthodox path. However, it's not just the woman's decision to not have children that disturbs convention, but the man's as well. As partners they upset traditional understandings of what heterosexual love is about. Why do I think this? Well, when was the last time any of us saw a romantic film where one lover whispers to the other "I love you so much, darling, I never want to have your baby!" It just wouldn't seem right.

From wedding ceremonies to popular culture, we are saturated with the idea that children are the symbol of a man and woman's love for each other. Undoubtedly the outcome of their physical union, children are moreover portrayed as the embodiment of a couple's emotional bond. The place where a man and woman's DNA and souls enmesh.

Having children remains integral to our contemporary mythology of love and desire, and those couples who reject parenthood disappoint our romantic expectations. They let us down by not making what is seen as the ultimate declaration of heterosexual love.

So perhaps that is why society shrugs off couples who don't want children. Perhaps the sceptical comments from family and friends reflect an unwillingness to accept romantic defeat. At the very least, it shows a distinct lack of imagination when it comes to recognising signs of love.

>That means that over 5 people are going to live in each little house on each little lot. Did you say "fit comfortably?"

Ho-hum, I'm not going to run the numbers again but will accept yours since they are close enough for government work.

90% of the world would be ecstatic to live in a nice house on a 1/7 acre lot in a pleasant subdivision. As a matter of fact, that is where I am typing this right now, and until the Christmas company left we had 6 people living here, and quite comfortably thank you very much.

Of course, being good Americans, this is just the winter place. The summer place is MUCH larger than 1/7 acre. But I'm sure you do get the point.

I have another thing to say. Unless you are the parents, you don't know what is really going on in a family. My brothers and sisters-in-law don't know what is going on with my daughter. My own mother doesn't know what is going on. My daughters doctors don't know the whole story. My husband and I are the only ones that know the whole picture. Actually, I have a much clearer picture of what is going on with her then he does because I'm with her all the time.

You just seem to have a lot of anger towards kids. Even the wildest of kids has good qualities. I think we need to help parents to help these wild kids. Parents have a lot of pressures these days. Two parents may need to work to afford a place to live. Grandparents and other family members live faraway.

There is also an increase in the number of disabled kids. 30 years ago, premature infants didn't live. Now you have infants as young as 24 weeks surviving. Unfortunately, they have lots of special needs. Also, there are lots more children of women that used drugs while they were pregnant. These children also have lots of special needs. I truly wish we can find ways to help these children.

Also, even the best of kids can have a bad day. Just remember even our own dear President had a wild youth. I think he's turned out okay.

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